MIA

So I'm working on learning some life skills that I had not previously acquired. As strange it may sound I am terrible at relaxing and not worrying, asking for things that I want, and saying yes when someone asks me if I want something, no matter how badly I DO actually want it.

In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.

I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.

I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.

R

Acceptance

It's coming on midnight and I've worked all day. I was standing in the kitchen with my dragonfly bandaged and frying up some paneer for a snack (I didn't know how delicious this stuff was and I want to just make my own so I don't have to buy it anymore!!) when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that I can wander about in nothing or next to nothing for clothing and I indulge myself frequently...why not?

I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)

At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.

R

scars and life

Life has been up and down and backwards and sleepless and just generally all over it seems lately. But really it has simply been one crazy stunt that was actually planned that seems to have taken up so much. I worked Monday, got out of work, and prepared to enjoy some time off. The plan for Tuesday night was for me to undergo a procedure called scarification and a good friend stopped by to see how a job interview had gone and how I was holding up waiting for my appointment.. All was going pretty well until my ex unexpectedly showed up. We hung out and chatted and things were fine until he asked me to walk him out to his car. I did and that's where things got crazy. We got into this discussion about us and how he felt like I was avoiding him and how I've struggled to be friends with him and a lot of stuff. It wasn't pretty and out of respect for him I won't be including a ton of details, but it shook me a bit. And given that I was going to be doing some SERIOUS body modding later that night I needed to be much calmer. That's where my friend comes in (said friend will probably need a good name, but I haven't come up with one just yet...) and did what was needed for me to calm down, which included feeding me DELICIOUS pizza and being patient enough to wait while my dragonfly was done and then make sure I got home safely.

The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!

OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.

And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.

R

Losing

I have really good days. I also have mediocre days. And I have bad days. Today has been one of those days where I'm not sure where it will end up. Right now I am just overwhelmed and a bit lonely. OK. A lot lonely. I have so much to do and I'm not doing any of it and I have so many bills that I can't pay. Things are quickly becoming a struggle for me financially and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to everything.

I'm afraid of losing it all. But I'm also feeling fairly certain that that is exactly where I'm heading and in pretty short order. It scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to do terrible things so I can forget, for a while, where things are going. But I know that's not good idea for me. Not short term OR long term. Maybe, if I can hold on a little longer things will change, but I don't know if I can see it happening. All I see in my future is bleak disaster.

Moments

Be who you are in this moment. Be in this moment and accept it for what it is. Learn from it and remember it for it will pass too soon. Enjoy the next moment as it comes, but do not rush them. Live in the moment.

Moving Forward and Back and Foward

So I play a team sport and I consider myself an athlete. Definitely not a pro and not even a good amateur, but what I do does require some skill and coordination on an athletic level. I can do it and sometimes I even feel like I do it well.

However, since everything went down in my life I have REALLY become an exercise slacker. I wasn't great at it before but I've got worse in recent months. As I'm slowly trying to recover a sense of self and who I am and want to be I am feeling as though I need to get back to exercising more than just at team practices. So i am. And holy crap do I feel out of shape after a twenty minute workout consisting of a series of various types of crunches, leg lifts, push ups, modified planking, and squats. There was a time that doing 3 or 4 sets of 30 squats at a time was not unheard of for me. My total overall for today's workout : 50. I have gotten off track for sure and I'm gonna get it back. I have some workout DVDs that I will be doing and I am hoping I can get my hands on a copy of Insanity. Clearly it is going to kick my ass, but I think I need my ass kicked and I think it will do me good. Even if I have to start at the beginning and do it over and over until I feel like I can move on it will do me good.

I will probably NEVER have the body of one of the Williams sisters or any of the Olympic gymnasts out there, but I will have a body that I am happy with and can accept. And with any luck...getting into better shape will help me be more accepting of the imperfections that I cannot change. Now I'm off to clean house and if the mood strikes maybe I will throw in a few more reps. :) Here's to taking as many steps forward as I can without backsliding, but knowing that if I take three steps forward and two steps back I can always keep moving forward.

R

The Perfection of Imperfection

Ugh. The lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I'm kind of a hot mess. But I'm functional and the tiredness gives me a strange sense of clarity that I don't normally have. I've been struggling a lot with feeling as though I have no potential and seeing myself as the ugly duckling (for lack of a better term). I'm trying to deal with these things and find ways to simply better myself overall.

Unrelated note: Thank goodness for red squiggly lines that appear under my typos...I have lots of them tonight. lol

It was pointed out to me that, despite my fears, if I get to the point in a relationship with someone that they are seeing me without clothes on they are probably not going to be nearly as concerned with my flaws (perceived or otherwise) as I am. This is probably true, but I'm at a point in my life where I magnify the tiniest things and obsess over them. Mostly because there are times when I simply don't know what else to do. I am taking things day by day and moment by moment because I am finding it difficult to do almost anything else.

My coping mechanisms are strange and screwed up and unless I start doing unhealthy things they are not things I can use right now. So I muddle through and try to ignore the whispered voices in my head. And this is incredibly disjointed which fits because that's how I feel right now. I will be glad when the dissonance inside my head settles down and finds a rhythm.

R

One of the things that I'm finding I miss the most is intimacy. Not sex or fucking or screwing around, but simple intimacy. I miss someone to hold me when I've had a bad day or being able to cuddle with them on a cold night or just sharing a touch as we pass in the hallway.

I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.

I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.

Tids and Bits

I spent my weekend either working or playing roller derby and now I'm just trying to get caught up on sleep and see what the coming week holds. Took an elbow to the face and I think a teammate has decided that it is her job to fix me up. Except that she seems quite willing to fix me up with anyone I find attractive. Since I'm not really up for any serious dating and I'm pretty happy to just check out the eye candy I have a feeling this could get....awkward at the least.

I talked to my dad tonight and I'm very grateful that thing aren't weird between me and my parents. They seem pretty much unfazed by my coming out. So do the majority of my friends and the co-workers that know. Since I work in a place where often the rumor mill is worse than your typical high school I'm grateful for the small things like this. I'm not really hiding, but I don't feel the need to completely announce my sexual preference to everyone. Well, OK not all the time anyway...and last night I actually had to tell a guy that I'm gay so he would stop hitting on me. Granted, I'm not sure he believed me, but I don't care as long as he backs off.

And I think I'm going to be getting a scarification piece done!!! My favorite tattoo artist has been training for it and I volunteered to be a practice guinea pig cause...well cause why not!! I've been interested in getting the work done for a long time and I trust Almighty to take care of me. So I will have a dragonfly sometime. Can't wait!!!! And I think that's all the stuff I randomly feel the need to share right now. More later either of fluff like this or of whatever angst has manged to worm its way forth.

R

Basics

So I've made no progress whatsoever regarding my last post and feel like I have no where to begin. I lack motivation to study theory and making the practical effort just sounds exhausting. I'm doing good to simply function most days without trying to add more to the list.

And rediscovering myself as a sexual being when I am so alone and so starved for the touch of another that getting myself off is all but impossible means that there's no sex of any kind for me. Wonderful. One more thing to break me. Being alone will kill me. Not the solitude but the lack of human connection. I don't feel like there's anyone in my life who would umderstand. And the one person that I *can* talk to...well being around them is so hard for me that I clam up and don't talk. I cease to be able to express myself.

My ex is a wonderful, amazing person who has so much more going for him than he knows. And I can see this. I can also see how my life is becoming merely an existence. I'm glad that he is finding his way but that doesn't make it easy to watch. Not when I feel as tho he (and everyone else) will eventually outpace me and I will be left behind.

Spending time with him is hard because of this but the ineloquence in my speech means that I would bungle the explanation of why I seem to be a bit distant sometimes and would only hurt him. I've hurt him enough. I won't do it again if I can help it. So I will just keep existing in my lonely bubble and keep struggling to stay afloat while everyone else slowly drifts away.

Faith, Spirituality, and Sex are all Connected

It just has occured to me that I spent a good portion of my high school years trying to find both my faith and my sexuality. One I found and the other I lost even though at one point they were very interconnected. Then I lost them both.

Now here I am, a decade out of high school and I feel as though I've made so many mistakes. But a decade isn't such a long time in the grand scheme of things and maybe I can find my way back. I'm going to reclaim who and what I am. It's going to be a long road, but this is what I need to do with myself. I need to go back to the fairy loving girl with a sense of wonder, who was a hippie minus the peace, love, and tie dye, and reconnect with Goddess and re-learn how sex can be magick. One single step at a time.

sink or swim

Apparently I can function well for a few days and then I just fall apart. One of the things that makes me fall apart is feeling like I have nothing left in my life to really look forward to and that I'm going to be stuck right where I'm at for the rest of my life. In a small town, working a dead-end job, alone. Mind you, this is a small town that I hate and that has AWFUL weather. I am NOT a snow loving kind of girl.

One of the things that I am having a hard time with is that I feel as though I am left with nothing. I'm not sure why, because I have an apartment and a car and food and I know that my life could be a hell of a lot worse now. I mean, I chose this for myself and therefore I have no one to blame, but myself. But in the middle of the night when I wake up so lonely it's just fucking hard. And it is made harder by the knowledge that Romero would drop whatever he was doing to come try and help me handle it, but I can't let him do that. There's something inside me that just refuses that help. I feel like I have to sink or swim on my own. And right now, I think I'm sinking.

Stronger

So I've been alternating between having panic attacks and not being home much between work and going out with friends because my friends know I brood if left alone too much. I'm very tired and am ready for some down time. I can't promise I won't brood a little, but I feel as though I may start functioning a bit better sometime soon.

My goals for the week include surviving tomorrow at work, doing the deep cleaning that I have been putting off, meeting with my landlady, getting my car inspected, getting the cable/internet/electric in my name, playing some roller derby, hanging with my girls, and getting more sleep and more exercise.

Longer term goals include a continued job hunt, more tattoos, piercings, and a potential scarification, more derby, and maybe a non-serious girlfriend...although that goal isn't one I necessarily expect to meet given my lack of confidence and living in a small town. *shrug* Maybe I will be surprised one day...in the meantime...I'm going to attempt to sleep. And maybe have dreams about pretty girls.

Time and More Time

Its been a few days and I'm still not sleeping terribly well. My morning headaches aren't going away and I don't think I've slept through the night since Saturday. I'm grumpy and miserable about not sleeping well. I'm also finding that I am more lonely than I thought I would be. I think that some of my loneliness stems from the fact that I don't go out and do things and I don't always feel like I have people I can talk to. Even though I know that I do have options. I'm trying very hard to take some time for myself. I know that I need it. But I feel as though I have no one that understands a lot of what I'm going through and that I have no where to turn for help.

Between that and the financial struggles that I may be facing (some of which have more to do with things I want than things I need) I stress myself out. Although I don't think feeling like I need to see my family is unreasonable. The trick, however, is coming up with airfare. Anyone wanna donate? lol Yeah right. No one even reads this but me. I keep telling myself that I will eventually meet my financial goals and that it will all work out in the long run, but right now when I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like I have no support system whatsoever it's hard to remember that.

Sleepless

Last night was my first night alone. I was up until almost 3AM basically just puttering around and goofing off on the Internets. As tired as I was I knew sleep wasn't going to come easy. So I stayed up until I just wore myself out completely. I ate Chinese food at 1AM...something I typically am not all about. Anytime after midnight and before noon has a tendency to be breakfast food. I listened to the silence and to my neighbors surround sound that I can just hear echoes of sometimes. When I realized that sleep wasn't coming and that I had to be up for work in 3 hours I gave up and called in. Then puttered some more until I hit that point where my eyes were just barely open and the stupid video of someone's cat barking like a dog was blurring on the screen. When I laid down I still laid there for a long time before I did finally sleep. Alone. In a king size bed.

Being Alone

Unless something changes Saturday night will be the last time that Romero and I share a bed. He has asked me how I feel about all of this, but it is so hard to verbalize my feelings. Mostly I am feeling super alone. And scared because I can handle being alone with myself, but after 9 years or marriage the idea of being alone in that sense....well that terrifies me. But I know that I have to deal with it and move on. After all, its not as though I will have a ton of prospects for love or even sex living in the area I do. *sigh* Time to invest in some duracell stock....

Stuff

http://www.etsy.com/listing/92616521/rainbow-love-necklace

 I want that necklace!! It also comes as a ring which I would wear, but I really want the necklace. :)
It was made by the owner of the blog, Card Carrying Lesbian, who has a ton of cool jewelry in her etsy shop and seems like she would be a hell of a lot of fun. I've been reading her blog for a short time since I started this journey and it has definitely had some enlightening moments.

 I'm procrastinating on getting ready for work because I have a headache, but I know I gotta move sometime and soon...I am starting to look for a new job and am hopeful that things will work out. I'm waiting to hear back from one place that I just applied to and hoping that another place has an opening soon. It's a waiting game...

On My Mind

So I spent today again helping R with stuff for his apartment. His goal is to be moved by the end of this week and he is looking like he should meet it. Tomorrow I am going to be stocking his kitchen for him so he will have a good start on meals. It's a good thing I like going grocery shopping :)

I also just applied for a couple of jobs online that would put my years of retail hell to good use in either position. Hopefully one or both of them will get back to me and they will be something I am interested in doing or can afford to do depending on the pay. I really dislike wearing navy all the time.

I am feeling incredibly lonely and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am too much of a chickenshit to do anything about it and therefore I will be forever alone. Romero says that I don't give myself enough credit for the wonderful person that I am. I think he's crazy. I'm also struggling with feelings of being a failure. I mean, I know that I didn't wake up one morning and choose to be gay, but I did wake up and realize that I couldn't stay married to my husband because of it. Never mind that there are people out there who somehow do it. I don't know how they do.

I will be spending a lot of time in the coming days and weeks alone in my apartment and while its not exactly the Ritz I am going to be doing the best I can with my limited resources to get it looking kind of nice. I will be making curtains and cleaning the hell out of everything I can. Unfortunately, the carpet is worn and threadbare, the futon is old and busted, I won't have a TV for entertainment (not like I watch much, but it might be nice for if/when friends ever come over), and my walls are bare since I can't put nails in them. I really am feeling like this place is a shithole and that no one would ever want to date me or even hang out with me because of it. *sigh*

Yeah, I know this is a long rambling post that doesn't have much of a common thread, but its just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and honestly don't know when I will get a break from things. It has started to make my anxiety worse, which upsets my stomach, which is exacerbated by anything I eat, which means I'm sick to my stomach whether I eat or not, and being sick causes anxiety because I never know when its going to hit and I will be running for the nearest bathroom. And that anxiety plus stomach issues is just one more reason that no one would want to date me...

R

Labels pt. deux

http://mayahuskee.deviantart.com/journal/Label-Me-Lesbian-A-Guide-to-Types-of-Lesbians-214218387


The above link is to a blog post that deals with labels within the lesbian community. After reading through it I definitely feel like that if I HAVE to apply a label to myself it would be that of a "Chapstick Lesbian". Since I generally have at least one tube of chapstick on me at any given time this is somewhat amusing to me. However, I am just butch enough that I like taking care of a girl...and this rule even applies to my female friends if need be. :)

In the long run, labels don't really matter one way or the other, but if people feel the need to give me one, well this is it. In semi-related news, I am considering sharing this blog with some of my friends if they happen to be curious about what I have been dealing with Since late March/early April. I will still probably go by Rain, but perhaps at some point I do a "proper" About Me" post or page. Maybe then I won't feel so invisible.

R

Time marches on

So I have been doing my best to take the major changes in my life in stride. I'm not upset about things. I'm not jealous because my husband is moving on with his life and I want him to be happy. I am a bit sad as this period comes to an end and I think the first night or two alone might be hard. But in the end that's how life goes sometimes. Everything changes and time marches on. Now if a pretty girl marched her way into my bed I would be ok with that....except that it has been so long that I dunno if I remember how with another woman...I would ask if anyone wanted to give me lessons but I don't think I have an audience. Please say hello if I do. :)

R

Coming out

So after spending a good hour texting a friend to get my courage up and hoping that my mom wouldn't answer my text I finally talked to her and my dad this afternoon. And their reaction was so anti-climactic that I'm left wondering if they have known all along...even when I didn't. They asked the standard questions about future plans, how Romero is doing, if I will ever consider adoption (no Mom...), etc, etc.

But not even once did they appear to be surprised. I didn't get any questions about how did I know, although I did get an are you sure and when I said that I was they left it at that. We talked about how other family members may react and my mom basically said that if anyone has a problem then too damn bad for them. And I know my dad wouldn't tolerate anyone talking shit about me. What it boiled down to is that I'm their daughter and this is my life and whatever choices I make they will support me.

And this is what I have spent the last month or more freaking out about. Stupid anxiety...

R

Years

So today is my 9th wedding anniversary. I have been running around like crazy trying to get things done and stay busy. In light of the recent events I just don't feel that trying to do something to mark this milestone is the best idea. I'm already struggling with my decision because while I know I made the right choice, the right choice isn't always an easy one. Tomorrow I am probably going to bite the bullet and finally make that phone call that I keep putting off. But for now, I'm just going to make it one day at a time. I am sad to see my marriage end, but I honestly feel that one of these days both Romero and I will see that we are better off as friends and we will never regret these nine years, but this is what has to be. That doesn't mean its easy and I am so grateful that he still cares for me and that we can be friends.

Moving on and out...

It has been a long weekend with lots of travel, a few bruises, some drinking, and generally a good time. Although, I am apparently turning into an attention whore without having realized it. Time to curb that shit. I still haven't called Mom and Dad (big shock there), but am going to eventually have to do it sooner than later since Romero found a place and will be moving out. I'm scared about it. I don't know how I will pay my bills and make ends meet. How I will handle mundane things like spider killing and fly by attacks from stinging insects that I am allergic to? What if I can't sleep alone? So much that is changing and I'm afraid of all of it.

I know that in the end this is the way things have to go, but I can't deny having fears and doubts about being able to survive on my own. I'm worried that I may have to give up a much loved hobby because of the high cost. And despite it all I've been functioning relatively well without my meds, although I really need to start taking them again and keep taking them instead of slacking off. I feel like hell today and go back to work tomorrow. Another day, another dollar, and who knows what the future holds...

R

I post lots of random shit so maybe all my posts should be titled "Randomata"

Things are mildly better today. I'm not stressing quite so badly. I'm still job hunting, but I need to really step that up. I'm also looking for car insurance that isn't five prices. After reworking my budget again today now I've got it looking as though maybe I can swing things, but I will really need to watch closely and not just buy things at random. Which basically means I will have no life outside of work and roller derby because I just won't be able to afford anything else. I can live with that. It's not as though I am in a big hurry to start dating again any how. Although, the CL Personals section is funny as hell. I need to remember that for when I need a good laugh.

I want to call my mom and talk to her, but I know she is on-call for her job and I don't want to dump this news on her if she has to go to work. But I gotta tell her sometime. I gotta quit stressing/obsessing over this.

I wish I had someone to really talk to about this. Someone who has been there done that in this situation I find myself in. Hell, maybe I just want someone to talk to that doesn't necessarily know me. I don't know. I'm just feeling very alone still and I don't really know why. I have friends and family and I know if I need them they will be there. Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't make the effort to reach out like I should. Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't. I like to pretend everything is fine because then I'm not burdening people. Anxiety ridden, gay, trapped in my own head, selfish, and a general mess about half of the time. Its a good thing I'm not interested in dating...I don't think I would be the best company at this point. I think I have a lot of self-improvements to make. One more thing that I'm going to worry about, even though I know I shouldn't.

R

Anxiety fit

I was going to suck it up today and call my mother. She had to work. So I got my reprieve there and have spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to figure out a budget, not freak out, not shave my head, and generally be OK. I'm really worried about being able to afford my rent and all my bills on what I make. Which means I'm looking at job postings too, but I haven't had much luck there. There are a few that I'm just going to apply for and go for broke. The worst that can happen is that I don't have a new job. At least I'm not losing the one I've got. And maybe something will surprise me by working out.

I feel very lonely again today. So many worries most of which I have little to no control over...or will simply have to work with what I've got to make them be less, but no one I feel like I can talk to. Or no one that I feel would want to listen. I know that's not true, but I try not to be a burden.

I sat down and tried to draft a budget basing it off of my last two paychecks. If I did it right and understand everything I am going to be very very tight and possibly without a cell phone. And also, I will definitely need to get as many hours at my job as they will allow me to have. Hence, the reason I am looking for another job. Or a cheaper apartment, but it will HAVE to allow cats and that can be hard to find.

I'm just really anxious and kind of freaking out about everything. I've started to hit the point where I want to start trying to sell excess belongings that I don't need (excluding heirloom items) so that I can try to make sure I can swing things by myself and have a bit of a cushion to rely on. I am capable enough to do this and handle shit, but right now I'm just having a bit of a freak out. I'm OK. I will be OK.

5/13/2012

I'm really struggling with being so far from my mom today because I really need her now, even if she doesn't know it. It's times like this when the distance is so very hard. I love you, Mom...

R

Coming Out Labels

So I talked to my Dad on the phone today. Now I'm chatting with my Mom on Facebook. They still don't know. I totally bailed on telling Dad. And I don't think I want to tell Mom over IM. Not sure how much longer I can go without just breaking down though. And I really want it to be a serious conversation not some tear fest freak out. Although I did mention to her that there had been some drama that I'm dealing with and that should give her some idea that there's SOMETHING going on. She didn't push for details and I wasn't going there so that's that...

In other news I've spent a bit of time today browsing some other blogs that are geared towards the gay and lesbian community. One of the things that I see mentioned a LOT is labels. Queer, gay, dyke, butch, femme, lipstick lesbian, etc, etc. I'm not a big label person, but for the sake of my own curiosity I wouldn't mind knowing where exactly I would fall in these categories. But honestly, I don't feel like I can be pinned into any certain one. I mean, I'm tall and relatively heavy with a build that is something like a linebacker with an hourglass (think broad shoulders, but curves), I have short hair, several piercings, and play roller derby. I also am a fan of make-up and cute shoes just as much as I am a fan of jeans, a t-shirt, and my Chuck's. I've been known to hunt and fish, I love to cook and bake and do crafty things like knit and cross stitch. I''m not sure I fit within the defined parameters of any label I know of. Granted, those parameters can probably also be rather flexible. Anyone out there have any input?

Unorganized

So after attending the anti-hate rally I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that the two events are connected. One of the things I struggle with is my relationship with Romero and how to act sometimes. I get freaked out by something minor (or not minor or even something that's only in my head) and I either freak out and get upset or I withdraw and get distant. And that causes a problem. I'm trying to be better and not get like that. I have no idea if I'm succeeding.

Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH

I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*

Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!

R

Double double

I went to a Stand Against Hate rally in my town last night with my husband and some friends. Met some cool people. Considered coming out on TV as the news was there taking footage. Decided against going up and speaking, but I almost wish I had. Simply because sharing my story would have been nice. It has to come out sometime. So yeah...that was cool. (There was more about this, but I started this post EARLY this morning and don't remember the rest...LOL)

It crossed my mind earlier today that part of the reason I feel so out of place is that I am, in a sense, living a double life. There are people who know what is going on and everything, but there are also many more people who don't know. My family and coworkers for example. I mean really, its no one's business, but because Romero and I work in the same place we know that there will be talk and gossip and questions. It's almost unavoidable. And I still don't know how to tell Mom and Dad. I've thought about telling them one at a time, I've thought about getting them on a conference call, sending them a video, writing a letter, and I just don't know...

Nothing exciting

Life has been pretty quiet and normal. We had a conversation that other night that has really opened my eyes to the knowledge that I am a relatively selfish, unthinking person and because I have tried to be better than that it kind of sucks to find out how terrible I am being. My only comfort, small as it is, is that I don't willfully treat people this way. I just don't think about my actions as well as I should I guess.

I'm pretty convinced that once everything comes to an end here that I will be alone for a good while, maybe forever at this point. I can't see why anyone would want to get involved with me and stay involved once they see how shitty I can be.

Also, that person who won't let things go and is always talking about how they don't want Romero and I to split is doing it again. Needs to stop. Cutting off contact with this person is super hard because they are pretty close and I don't want to hurt them any worse than they are already hurting because of this. But I'm starting to feel like I'm not sure how to handle it. Every time we talk I only leave the conversation feeling like a terrible, horrible, piece of shit person.

I still haven't told my parents. Not sure when I'm going to. I want to do it soon and just get it out there, but I'm really struggling with how and when. How because the words are hard and when because I want to tell them at the same time, but between my schedule and my mom's schedule, plus the time difference in our location I keep not finding a good time. And yes, I know that I am kind of using those things to procrastinate because it is hard. Also, I want to be alone when I tell them and because of work schedules Romero and I are home together more often than we had been in the last few months. It's been a bit weird sometimes.

And now that I've vented and don't feel any better, I'm going to put my headphones on and go clean house. Maybe clearing some physical clutter will help clear some mental clutter. But I doubt it.

R

Late than Never

I am super stressed about pretty much everything lately. I'm going thru a period where everything is getting to me and I'm feeling pretty strung out about things that I don't necessarily have any control over. There's no rush for me to get anything done, no real push has been made for things to change from their current state, but I keep feeling like I'm stuck in limbo. I am getting some pressure from an outside source who knows the deal and because I know this person pretty well I'm going to say with a lot of certainty that they don't realize that they are pressuring me. They just don't want to see things change and I can understand that.

But I made a decision several weeks ago (3/31/12 to be exact) and that decision still hasn't changed. However, having made the decision hasn't made things any easier for me because of the pressure for things to stay the same and because I have always been one to try and put others first when it comes to some things. A big thing like this that will affect a group of people outside of my self definitely makes me second guess myself because I am causing other people to be unhappy. And that is a burden that is really hard for me to bear.

Add to that the fact that my my sense of humor is basically gone and I take everything super serious right now so Romero can't joke with me about anything without me getting kinda freaked out and taking it wrong. That puts a strain between us as does the way I act. He has pointed out that I act differently towards him when there are people around versus when we are alone and I struggle to see it.


The above was written and saved as a draft several days ago. It is unfinished and I've opted to post it mostly because that was how I felt at the time of writing the post which was late in the evening after I had worked all day long. Also, if I am going to keep a record of how I feel and what I think etc. in this time then I may as well post it.

R 

Bits and Pieces

I spent most of the evening last night being super anxious after getting off the phone with my mom. It really made my workout harder since I play a team sport and was having trouble focusing at practice. Lucky me my teammates are all pretty understanding and encourage me to push and not get bogged down. Things ended on a good note I think.
Also I hink rather than trying to tell both parents at the same time I may have to tell my dad first. I feel like he will be far less likely to freak out and can help me break this to my mom in a way that she can handle it. Of course...telling my dad still scares the living shit out of me. Can't win on that front.
And completely unrelated to the rest of this post my husband (who I think has seen the comment about his new moniker and has said that he hates the name George so I'm editing the original post and this one to change his name to Romero..still after a favored director...lol) Romero made me a crazy good omelette for breakfast this morning. I'm super full. And I'm not super freaked out by his cooking for me. Not at all. But I am still full...nap time..
R

Coming out

So, since I'm still at a point where I am trying to figure things in my life out and all that...jazz...(Theater geek moment...LOL) there are many people who do not know what is going on. The majority of my family included. Today also happens to be my mother's birthday. I don't talk to her often, but I definitely made sure I called today. And we talked about her garden and her job and the baby boom that does NOT include me, thankfully.

We didn't talk about this. She doesn't know that her only daughter, her only child is gay. I don't know how to tell her when the time comes. I don't know how to tell either of my parents. I don't live close to them so I can't sit down and tell them face to face...well at least not without a plane ticket and some time off work, neither of which I can afford right now. And I know that I can't just avoid telling them forever. I don't even know how they will take it, what they might say or do. Despite not having a terribly close relationship with them, this is hard and it fucking sucks. I'm so wound up and anxious about it that I'm starting to cry. I'm tired of crying. So I'm going to stop. Right now.

But I still have no idea how to come out to my parents. I'm not even worried about some of the more ultra-conservative members of my family...they are going to flip shit anyway and I already know that. So whatever. But my parents are my parents and I have no idea how they are going to react. I do have an aunt who knows and she seems to think that they will be fine with it. Maybe not at first because it will come as a HUGE HUGE HUGE shock to them, but with time...and maybe a few drinks...lol I hope she's right. Part of me thinks she is, but there's another part of me that is terrified she's not. Oh well...there's no sense in driving myself too crazy over it. I won't know how things are gonna go until I tell them. And I don't know when I will be ready for that.

R

Fears

Being at this point in my life there are a lot of different thing to contend with. Fear is one of them. And one of the things that scares me most is sex. I haven't had sex with a woman in years. I'm not sure if I remember how to do it.
While I'm not at a point of dating and don't expect to be at that point anytime soon this is something that still just bugs the crap outta me. I keep asking myself what happens if I freak out or do something wrong or or or....there is a whole list.of questions and issues there. Scary.....
This isn't the only fear I'm dealing with (clearly) but this one is on my mind today for some inexplicable reason. Hopefully when the time eventually comes I won't be too anxious or worried or scared. Maybe it will be like riding a bike...lol
R

Thoughts

Long day at work. Glad its over. Still struggling with the idea of being alone. What if there's no one else out there? I mean, it seems pretty logical that everyone has many people that could love them given the world's population, but I worry about never meeting the "right" person.

I mean what makes me so much more special than anyone else? Why should someone want to spend their time with me? What can I offer? Asking myself these questions only makes my anxiety worse. So I try not to dwell on it. But its hard especially after you've been with someone for years and are facing the prospect of eventually trying to date again. Scary stuff.

Also, trying to live alone and afford all of the basic things like rent and bills and whatnot is terrifying...especially because of the economy and only having a part-time job. Even with a full-time job I think I would struggle. But I guess the only thing I can do is keep my head up and take things as they come. And keep looking for a job...

R

Fluff

Mundanity seems to be a good word for today. I'm off work and spent some time with hubby...I need a good name for him so I don't have to keep referring to him as just "hubby." In light of his interest in horror and zombie movies maybe I'll go with the moniker Romero after a popular director he enjoys. IDK. At any rate in addition to spending a quiet morning watching Star Trek I got my grocery shopping done. Finding habanero peppers for hot sauce might have been the highlight of the trip since I live in an area where they aren't always readily available.

I'm still not feeling any closer to a decision, but right now my head isn't actually spinning as hard about everything. Granted, I have a ton of other stuff on my mind as well...much of it relating to my body issues which are their own mess entirely. But they are getting better with time.

My identification as gay hasn't changed since this all came out into the open and I don't think I can put it back, no matter what I choose to do. It's still part of who I am. And I have to come to terms with that no matter how hard it is, no matter how much I sometimes wish otherwise.

R

You Spin ME Right Round...

I feel like my head is just spinning ceaselessly. The only time it stops is when I sleep and even then I can't sleep through the night. The way I keep seeing things is that I will either go my own way and be happy in the long run or I will stay in order to make everyone else happy. I know that's an oversimplification and that's it not fair. But given that my sexuality has always meant a lot to me and that it has always been a large part of me I'm stuck feeling like I would have to give that up in order to stay with my husband. I can't be with him and have a woman on the side. That's too messy and complicated and definitely fucks up my sense of fair play.

Completely unrelated...I am craving alcoholic drinks (so I can forget) and comfort foods from my childhood including Spaghettios, Ramen noodles (I had some of these and may have more...), and ice cream specifically Ben And Jerry's Dublin Mudslide or some Bluebell any flavor I could happen to stumble upon since I live very far outside of their distribution area. Sometimes I dream about Bluebell Ice Cream.

*sigh* I really don't know what to do, what my best plan should be. I know that I haven't been happy and that we have had troubles especially with communication. And in the last weeks we have talked more than we had in years prior to this all happening. And I feel like we're friends again. And that we will always be friends. Now I have to figure out if we can go back to being husband and wife with this giant shadow looming above me. And I simply don't know.

Words

There is a small group of my friends who know what is going on in my life lately and today one of them made a comment about another person we sometimes encounter and used the term "faggot". Instantly she got super quiet and realized that she might have offended me. While I don't particularly advocate the use of such terms it doesn't really bother me. Granted, that may change, but it never has so far and I'm going to stick with that for now. A second friend immediately jumps in and tries to smooth things over with a comment about how maybe we shouldn't use that language and whatnot and while I appreciate her willingness to say hey that's not cool I was pretty amused at the entire thing. So I turned back to the first person and laughing told her the person we had been talking about was a homo and kept going. I didn't do it for any reason other than to show my friends that crap like that isn't going to bother me (I still don't like the person being discussed) and I'm only sharing it here because I found it somewhat amusing. Maybe the first time someone other than a good friend calls me a homo to my face I will be more upset about it, but words are words and can only hurt us if we let them.

R

Randomata

God, I feel like I have ruined pretty much everything. A nine year marriage, my relationship with my in-laws, with my parents when I tell them, and I still feel super isolated because I don't have anyone to talk to that I think really understands. I have plenty of people who will lend sympathetic ears (hell, my husband is one of them), but that doesn't seem to be the same. And I want to tell people, just so things aren't hanging over me.

I also really want to have sex, but I can't have sex with my husband without freaking out and being all weird about it. Things were awkward before I told him I was gay and I had enough trouble then. Now that he knows it makes it that much harder. I don't think he realizes that a lot of my problems with our sex life in the months leading up to this stemmed from exactly this and it was easier not to have sex. When we did I really had to try very hard to relax and make any attempt at enjoying myself. And because I hadn't come out it was easier for me to deny it to myself and the world. Now that I have I can't deny it and that makes it hard for me to even attempt to enjoy sex right now. Nevermind that I kind of need to have a massive all out orgasm that is so hard it makes me cry uncontrollably and I cannot get that because I cannot relax enough to get to that point. And I can't have this conversation face to face with him and I know that he will probably read this. And, honey, please don't try to make me talk about it after you read it. You know I will just freak out and cry. I already feel like I've been a horrible wife to you and this makes it worse for me.

*sigh* I'm trying not to hate myself for feeling like I ruined so much by coming out, but its really hard. If there is anyone out there who stumbles across this who can tell me otherwise, please feel free.

R

Catching Up

After telling my husband we had a very tumultuous week and a half or so in which we tried to keep things as normal as possible between us. He was trying to process the information I had just dumped on him and I was trying to decide where to go from there. I was caught up in my own head, which made for some less than pretty moments and after a while we ended up in a giant fight that ended about 5am the morning after we had both gotten up at 5 am the day before. At this point because of the lack of sleep some of that is kind of fuzzy, but most of it isn't anything that I feel needs shared here. The fact that it happened and became a pretty good catalyst for change is enough.

We have been living together and sharing a bed. Essentially we are roommates with an odd living situation. We are still best friends, although we have (or I have) also caused damage to our friendship which we are repairing as well. He is learning to cook and we have discussed things like being alone and how we might handle them. I am struggling with how to tell my parents and with the knowledge that his parents are really hurt by everything and its my fault. I couldn't even talk to my mother in law for a good week after everything went down and I still haven't spoken to my father in law, but that's because of something he said that really upset me. Time heals all....right?

And now that you're pretty much up to speed I can move on to sharing current things and emotions that go on and how I'm handling them. One of the biggest right now is a feeling of isolation. I am a gay woman, married to a man, and basically no one knows. I can talk to my husband about how I feel and he will listen, but I want to talk to someone who has been through this coming out period who has felt the way I feel. Hell, I can't even describe how I feel other than alone and maybe that's enough. I dunno. I'm really having a hard time with conveying how I feel and what I feel and what I choose to show the world. So I'm blogging about it in hopes that it will give me some sort of clarity or insight. Or at least maybe lessen my anxiety about everything. And I do mean everything. It has been so bad that I will find myself getting anxious for no reason at all. Gotta love having an anxiety disorder....

R

The Beginning

Some time ago I began to struggle with myself regarding a series of thoughts and feelings that had crawled into my brain and wouldn't go away. I don't really know what set off the train of thought. I'm still trying to figure it out. But I know that the first several times it came to mind I immediately dismissed it out of hand. I didn't see any way what I was thinking could even be possible. It did not make sense in my head. And I wasn't willing to do too much talking about it.

At any rate, the reason I thought I was going crazy was because I was (and am) a married woman. My husband is funny, kind, sweet, and genuinely one of the best people in my life. He is my best friend. With a wonderful husband like him how could I be having these thoughts? I started shutting myself down and pulling away from him trying to handle the stress and anxiety that raced through me all the time. Our sex life suffered, I turned into kind of a bitch, and neither of us knew what to do. Finally, he wanted answers, answers that I wasn't ready or prepared to give. But instead of being a smart adult and simply admitting to him that I was dealing with some stuff I freaked out, got anxious, and then lost my temper. Losing my temper was the catalyst for me to grow a pair and tell him what was going on.

After almost 9 years of marriage I dropped a figurative bomb on his head with a very simple two word sentence.

I'm gay. (He says that I told him, "I think I'm gay." I maintain that it happened the way I posted it here and since this is my blog....^_^)

And thus began a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, tears, long days and longer nights where neither of us slept and just a lot of craziness. I will be working thru bits and pieces of that here (posted as I recall them) as well as dealing with the fears and emotions that go along with coming to terms with my sexuality, my impending divorce, and anything and everything else I feel the need to address. I hope that if there is anyone else out there in the same situation as I am you will certainly feel free to say hello!!

R

Welcome

Recently I have embarked on a journey of self that has changed my life. A journey so difficult and so seemingly surreal at first that I honestly thought I was going a bit crazy. Because I am still dealing with things that I feel the need to keep from friends and family this blog will remain anonymous for the time being, but I do hope that eventually I can go public with it and share my story. Until then you can just call me Rain.