So after spending a good hour texting a friend to get my courage up and hoping that my mom wouldn't answer my text I finally talked to her and my dad this afternoon. And their reaction was so anti-climactic that I'm left wondering if they have known all along...even when I didn't. They asked the standard questions about future plans, how Romero is doing, if I will ever consider adoption (no Mom...), etc, etc.
But not even once did they appear to be surprised. I didn't get any questions about how did I know, although I did get an are you sure and when I said that I was they left it at that. We talked about how other family members may react and my mom basically said that if anyone has a problem then too damn bad for them. And I know my dad wouldn't tolerate anyone talking shit about me. What it boiled down to is that I'm their daughter and this is my life and whatever choices I make they will support me.
And this is what I have spent the last month or more freaking out about. Stupid anxiety...
R
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Friday, June 1, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Coming Out Labels
So I talked to my Dad on the phone today. Now I'm chatting with my Mom on Facebook. They still don't know. I totally bailed on telling Dad. And I don't think I want to tell Mom over IM. Not sure how much longer I can go without just breaking down though. And I really want it to be a serious conversation not some tear fest freak out. Although I did mention to her that there had been some drama that I'm dealing with and that should give her some idea that there's SOMETHING going on. She didn't push for details and I wasn't going there so that's that...
In other news I've spent a bit of time today browsing some other blogs that are geared towards the gay and lesbian community. One of the things that I see mentioned a LOT is labels. Queer, gay, dyke, butch, femme, lipstick lesbian, etc, etc. I'm not a big label person, but for the sake of my own curiosity I wouldn't mind knowing where exactly I would fall in these categories. But honestly, I don't feel like I can be pinned into any certain one. I mean, I'm tall and relatively heavy with a build that is something like a linebacker with an hourglass (think broad shoulders, but curves), I have short hair, several piercings, and play roller derby. I also am a fan of make-up and cute shoes just as much as I am a fan of jeans, a t-shirt, and my Chuck's. I've been known to hunt and fish, I love to cook and bake and do crafty things like knit and cross stitch. I''m not sure I fit within the defined parameters of any label I know of. Granted, those parameters can probably also be rather flexible. Anyone out there have any input?
In other news I've spent a bit of time today browsing some other blogs that are geared towards the gay and lesbian community. One of the things that I see mentioned a LOT is labels. Queer, gay, dyke, butch, femme, lipstick lesbian, etc, etc. I'm not a big label person, but for the sake of my own curiosity I wouldn't mind knowing where exactly I would fall in these categories. But honestly, I don't feel like I can be pinned into any certain one. I mean, I'm tall and relatively heavy with a build that is something like a linebacker with an hourglass (think broad shoulders, but curves), I have short hair, several piercings, and play roller derby. I also am a fan of make-up and cute shoes just as much as I am a fan of jeans, a t-shirt, and my Chuck's. I've been known to hunt and fish, I love to cook and bake and do crafty things like knit and cross stitch. I''m not sure I fit within the defined parameters of any label I know of. Granted, those parameters can probably also be rather flexible. Anyone out there have any input?
Friday, May 4, 2012
Unorganized
So after attending the anti-hate rally I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that the two events are connected. One of the things I struggle with is my relationship with Romero and how to act sometimes. I get freaked out by something minor (or not minor or even something that's only in my head) and I either freak out and get upset or I withdraw and get distant. And that causes a problem. I'm trying to be better and not get like that. I have no idea if I'm succeeding.
Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH
I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*
Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!
R
Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH
I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*
Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!
R
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Double double
I went to a Stand Against Hate rally in my town last night with my husband and some friends. Met some cool people. Considered coming out on TV as the news was there taking footage. Decided against going up and speaking, but I almost wish I had. Simply because sharing my story would have been nice. It has to come out sometime. So yeah...that was cool. (There was more about this, but I started this post EARLY this morning and don't remember the rest...LOL)
It crossed my mind earlier today that part of the reason I feel so out of place is that I am, in a sense, living a double life. There are people who know what is going on and everything, but there are also many more people who don't know. My family and coworkers for example. I mean really, its no one's business, but because Romero and I work in the same place we know that there will be talk and gossip and questions. It's almost unavoidable. And I still don't know how to tell Mom and Dad. I've thought about telling them one at a time, I've thought about getting them on a conference call, sending them a video, writing a letter, and I just don't know...
It crossed my mind earlier today that part of the reason I feel so out of place is that I am, in a sense, living a double life. There are people who know what is going on and everything, but there are also many more people who don't know. My family and coworkers for example. I mean really, its no one's business, but because Romero and I work in the same place we know that there will be talk and gossip and questions. It's almost unavoidable. And I still don't know how to tell Mom and Dad. I've thought about telling them one at a time, I've thought about getting them on a conference call, sending them a video, writing a letter, and I just don't know...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Coming out
So, since I'm still at a point where I am trying to figure things in my life out and all that...jazz...(Theater geek moment...LOL) there are many people who do not know what is going on. The majority of my family included. Today also happens to be my mother's birthday. I don't talk to her often, but I definitely made sure I called today. And we talked about her garden and her job and the baby boom that does NOT include me, thankfully.
We didn't talk about this. She doesn't know that her only daughter, her only child is gay. I don't know how to tell her when the time comes. I don't know how to tell either of my parents. I don't live close to them so I can't sit down and tell them face to face...well at least not without a plane ticket and some time off work, neither of which I can afford right now. And I know that I can't just avoid telling them forever. I don't even know how they will take it, what they might say or do. Despite not having a terribly close relationship with them, this is hard and it fucking sucks. I'm so wound up and anxious about it that I'm starting to cry. I'm tired of crying. So I'm going to stop. Right now.
But I still have no idea how to come out to my parents. I'm not even worried about some of the more ultra-conservative members of my family...they are going to flip shit anyway and I already know that. So whatever. But my parents are my parents and I have no idea how they are going to react. I do have an aunt who knows and she seems to think that they will be fine with it. Maybe not at first because it will come as a HUGE HUGE HUGE shock to them, but with time...and maybe a few drinks...lol I hope she's right. Part of me thinks she is, but there's another part of me that is terrified she's not. Oh well...there's no sense in driving myself too crazy over it. I won't know how things are gonna go until I tell them. And I don't know when I will be ready for that.
R
We didn't talk about this. She doesn't know that her only daughter, her only child is gay. I don't know how to tell her when the time comes. I don't know how to tell either of my parents. I don't live close to them so I can't sit down and tell them face to face...well at least not without a plane ticket and some time off work, neither of which I can afford right now. And I know that I can't just avoid telling them forever. I don't even know how they will take it, what they might say or do. Despite not having a terribly close relationship with them, this is hard and it fucking sucks. I'm so wound up and anxious about it that I'm starting to cry. I'm tired of crying. So I'm going to stop. Right now.
But I still have no idea how to come out to my parents. I'm not even worried about some of the more ultra-conservative members of my family...they are going to flip shit anyway and I already know that. So whatever. But my parents are my parents and I have no idea how they are going to react. I do have an aunt who knows and she seems to think that they will be fine with it. Maybe not at first because it will come as a HUGE HUGE HUGE shock to them, but with time...and maybe a few drinks...lol I hope she's right. Part of me thinks she is, but there's another part of me that is terrified she's not. Oh well...there's no sense in driving myself too crazy over it. I won't know how things are gonna go until I tell them. And I don't know when I will be ready for that.
R
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