On My Mind

So I spent today again helping R with stuff for his apartment. His goal is to be moved by the end of this week and he is looking like he should meet it. Tomorrow I am going to be stocking his kitchen for him so he will have a good start on meals. It's a good thing I like going grocery shopping :)

I also just applied for a couple of jobs online that would put my years of retail hell to good use in either position. Hopefully one or both of them will get back to me and they will be something I am interested in doing or can afford to do depending on the pay. I really dislike wearing navy all the time.

I am feeling incredibly lonely and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am too much of a chickenshit to do anything about it and therefore I will be forever alone. Romero says that I don't give myself enough credit for the wonderful person that I am. I think he's crazy. I'm also struggling with feelings of being a failure. I mean, I know that I didn't wake up one morning and choose to be gay, but I did wake up and realize that I couldn't stay married to my husband because of it. Never mind that there are people out there who somehow do it. I don't know how they do.

I will be spending a lot of time in the coming days and weeks alone in my apartment and while its not exactly the Ritz I am going to be doing the best I can with my limited resources to get it looking kind of nice. I will be making curtains and cleaning the hell out of everything I can. Unfortunately, the carpet is worn and threadbare, the futon is old and busted, I won't have a TV for entertainment (not like I watch much, but it might be nice for if/when friends ever come over), and my walls are bare since I can't put nails in them. I really am feeling like this place is a shithole and that no one would ever want to date me or even hang out with me because of it. *sigh*

Yeah, I know this is a long rambling post that doesn't have much of a common thread, but its just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and honestly don't know when I will get a break from things. It has started to make my anxiety worse, which upsets my stomach, which is exacerbated by anything I eat, which means I'm sick to my stomach whether I eat or not, and being sick causes anxiety because I never know when its going to hit and I will be running for the nearest bathroom. And that anxiety plus stomach issues is just one more reason that no one would want to date me...

R

Years

So today is my 9th wedding anniversary. I have been running around like crazy trying to get things done and stay busy. In light of the recent events I just don't feel that trying to do something to mark this milestone is the best idea. I'm already struggling with my decision because while I know I made the right choice, the right choice isn't always an easy one. Tomorrow I am probably going to bite the bullet and finally make that phone call that I keep putting off. But for now, I'm just going to make it one day at a time. I am sad to see my marriage end, but I honestly feel that one of these days both Romero and I will see that we are better off as friends and we will never regret these nine years, but this is what has to be. That doesn't mean its easy and I am so grateful that he still cares for me and that we can be friends.