One of the things that I'm finding I miss the most is intimacy. Not sex or fucking or screwing around, but simple intimacy. I miss someone to hold me when I've had a bad day or being able to cuddle with them on a cold night or just sharing a touch as we pass in the hallway.

I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.

I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.

sink or swim

Apparently I can function well for a few days and then I just fall apart. One of the things that makes me fall apart is feeling like I have nothing left in my life to really look forward to and that I'm going to be stuck right where I'm at for the rest of my life. In a small town, working a dead-end job, alone. Mind you, this is a small town that I hate and that has AWFUL weather. I am NOT a snow loving kind of girl.

One of the things that I am having a hard time with is that I feel as though I am left with nothing. I'm not sure why, because I have an apartment and a car and food and I know that my life could be a hell of a lot worse now. I mean, I chose this for myself and therefore I have no one to blame, but myself. But in the middle of the night when I wake up so lonely it's just fucking hard. And it is made harder by the knowledge that Romero would drop whatever he was doing to come try and help me handle it, but I can't let him do that. There's something inside me that just refuses that help. I feel like I have to sink or swim on my own. And right now, I think I'm sinking.

Time and More Time

Its been a few days and I'm still not sleeping terribly well. My morning headaches aren't going away and I don't think I've slept through the night since Saturday. I'm grumpy and miserable about not sleeping well. I'm also finding that I am more lonely than I thought I would be. I think that some of my loneliness stems from the fact that I don't go out and do things and I don't always feel like I have people I can talk to. Even though I know that I do have options. I'm trying very hard to take some time for myself. I know that I need it. But I feel as though I have no one that understands a lot of what I'm going through and that I have no where to turn for help.

Between that and the financial struggles that I may be facing (some of which have more to do with things I want than things I need) I stress myself out. Although I don't think feeling like I need to see my family is unreasonable. The trick, however, is coming up with airfare. Anyone wanna donate? lol Yeah right. No one even reads this but me. I keep telling myself that I will eventually meet my financial goals and that it will all work out in the long run, but right now when I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like I have no support system whatsoever it's hard to remember that.

Being Alone

Unless something changes Saturday night will be the last time that Romero and I share a bed. He has asked me how I feel about all of this, but it is so hard to verbalize my feelings. Mostly I am feeling super alone. And scared because I can handle being alone with myself, but after 9 years or marriage the idea of being alone in that sense....well that terrifies me. But I know that I have to deal with it and move on. After all, its not as though I will have a ton of prospects for love or even sex living in the area I do. *sigh* Time to invest in some duracell stock....

On My Mind

So I spent today again helping R with stuff for his apartment. His goal is to be moved by the end of this week and he is looking like he should meet it. Tomorrow I am going to be stocking his kitchen for him so he will have a good start on meals. It's a good thing I like going grocery shopping :)

I also just applied for a couple of jobs online that would put my years of retail hell to good use in either position. Hopefully one or both of them will get back to me and they will be something I am interested in doing or can afford to do depending on the pay. I really dislike wearing navy all the time.

I am feeling incredibly lonely and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am too much of a chickenshit to do anything about it and therefore I will be forever alone. Romero says that I don't give myself enough credit for the wonderful person that I am. I think he's crazy. I'm also struggling with feelings of being a failure. I mean, I know that I didn't wake up one morning and choose to be gay, but I did wake up and realize that I couldn't stay married to my husband because of it. Never mind that there are people out there who somehow do it. I don't know how they do.

I will be spending a lot of time in the coming days and weeks alone in my apartment and while its not exactly the Ritz I am going to be doing the best I can with my limited resources to get it looking kind of nice. I will be making curtains and cleaning the hell out of everything I can. Unfortunately, the carpet is worn and threadbare, the futon is old and busted, I won't have a TV for entertainment (not like I watch much, but it might be nice for if/when friends ever come over), and my walls are bare since I can't put nails in them. I really am feeling like this place is a shithole and that no one would ever want to date me or even hang out with me because of it. *sigh*

Yeah, I know this is a long rambling post that doesn't have much of a common thread, but its just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and honestly don't know when I will get a break from things. It has started to make my anxiety worse, which upsets my stomach, which is exacerbated by anything I eat, which means I'm sick to my stomach whether I eat or not, and being sick causes anxiety because I never know when its going to hit and I will be running for the nearest bathroom. And that anxiety plus stomach issues is just one more reason that no one would want to date me...

R

Moving on and out...

It has been a long weekend with lots of travel, a few bruises, some drinking, and generally a good time. Although, I am apparently turning into an attention whore without having realized it. Time to curb that shit. I still haven't called Mom and Dad (big shock there), but am going to eventually have to do it sooner than later since Romero found a place and will be moving out. I'm scared about it. I don't know how I will pay my bills and make ends meet. How I will handle mundane things like spider killing and fly by attacks from stinging insects that I am allergic to? What if I can't sleep alone? So much that is changing and I'm afraid of all of it.

I know that in the end this is the way things have to go, but I can't deny having fears and doubts about being able to survive on my own. I'm worried that I may have to give up a much loved hobby because of the high cost. And despite it all I've been functioning relatively well without my meds, although I really need to start taking them again and keep taking them instead of slacking off. I feel like hell today and go back to work tomorrow. Another day, another dollar, and who knows what the future holds...

R

I post lots of random shit so maybe all my posts should be titled "Randomata"

Things are mildly better today. I'm not stressing quite so badly. I'm still job hunting, but I need to really step that up. I'm also looking for car insurance that isn't five prices. After reworking my budget again today now I've got it looking as though maybe I can swing things, but I will really need to watch closely and not just buy things at random. Which basically means I will have no life outside of work and roller derby because I just won't be able to afford anything else. I can live with that. It's not as though I am in a big hurry to start dating again any how. Although, the CL Personals section is funny as hell. I need to remember that for when I need a good laugh.

I want to call my mom and talk to her, but I know she is on-call for her job and I don't want to dump this news on her if she has to go to work. But I gotta tell her sometime. I gotta quit stressing/obsessing over this.

I wish I had someone to really talk to about this. Someone who has been there done that in this situation I find myself in. Hell, maybe I just want someone to talk to that doesn't necessarily know me. I don't know. I'm just feeling very alone still and I don't really know why. I have friends and family and I know if I need them they will be there. Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't make the effort to reach out like I should. Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't. I like to pretend everything is fine because then I'm not burdening people. Anxiety ridden, gay, trapped in my own head, selfish, and a general mess about half of the time. Its a good thing I'm not interested in dating...I don't think I would be the best company at this point. I think I have a lot of self-improvements to make. One more thing that I'm going to worry about, even though I know I shouldn't.

R

Anxiety fit

I was going to suck it up today and call my mother. She had to work. So I got my reprieve there and have spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to figure out a budget, not freak out, not shave my head, and generally be OK. I'm really worried about being able to afford my rent and all my bills on what I make. Which means I'm looking at job postings too, but I haven't had much luck there. There are a few that I'm just going to apply for and go for broke. The worst that can happen is that I don't have a new job. At least I'm not losing the one I've got. And maybe something will surprise me by working out.

I feel very lonely again today. So many worries most of which I have little to no control over...or will simply have to work with what I've got to make them be less, but no one I feel like I can talk to. Or no one that I feel would want to listen. I know that's not true, but I try not to be a burden.

I sat down and tried to draft a budget basing it off of my last two paychecks. If I did it right and understand everything I am going to be very very tight and possibly without a cell phone. And also, I will definitely need to get as many hours at my job as they will allow me to have. Hence, the reason I am looking for another job. Or a cheaper apartment, but it will HAVE to allow cats and that can be hard to find.

I'm just really anxious and kind of freaking out about everything. I've started to hit the point where I want to start trying to sell excess belongings that I don't need (excluding heirloom items) so that I can try to make sure I can swing things by myself and have a bit of a cushion to rely on. I am capable enough to do this and handle shit, but right now I'm just having a bit of a freak out. I'm OK. I will be OK.

Unorganized

So after attending the anti-hate rally I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that the two events are connected. One of the things I struggle with is my relationship with Romero and how to act sometimes. I get freaked out by something minor (or not minor or even something that's only in my head) and I either freak out and get upset or I withdraw and get distant. And that causes a problem. I'm trying to be better and not get like that. I have no idea if I'm succeeding.

Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH

I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*

Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!

R

Fears

Being at this point in my life there are a lot of different thing to contend with. Fear is one of them. And one of the things that scares me most is sex. I haven't had sex with a woman in years. I'm not sure if I remember how to do it.
While I'm not at a point of dating and don't expect to be at that point anytime soon this is something that still just bugs the crap outta me. I keep asking myself what happens if I freak out or do something wrong or or or....there is a whole list.of questions and issues there. Scary.....
This isn't the only fear I'm dealing with (clearly) but this one is on my mind today for some inexplicable reason. Hopefully when the time eventually comes I won't be too anxious or worried or scared. Maybe it will be like riding a bike...lol
R

Thoughts

Long day at work. Glad its over. Still struggling with the idea of being alone. What if there's no one else out there? I mean, it seems pretty logical that everyone has many people that could love them given the world's population, but I worry about never meeting the "right" person.

I mean what makes me so much more special than anyone else? Why should someone want to spend their time with me? What can I offer? Asking myself these questions only makes my anxiety worse. So I try not to dwell on it. But its hard especially after you've been with someone for years and are facing the prospect of eventually trying to date again. Scary stuff.

Also, trying to live alone and afford all of the basic things like rent and bills and whatnot is terrifying...especially because of the economy and only having a part-time job. Even with a full-time job I think I would struggle. But I guess the only thing I can do is keep my head up and take things as they come. And keep looking for a job...

R

Fluff

Mundanity seems to be a good word for today. I'm off work and spent some time with hubby...I need a good name for him so I don't have to keep referring to him as just "hubby." In light of his interest in horror and zombie movies maybe I'll go with the moniker Romero after a popular director he enjoys. IDK. At any rate in addition to spending a quiet morning watching Star Trek I got my grocery shopping done. Finding habanero peppers for hot sauce might have been the highlight of the trip since I live in an area where they aren't always readily available.

I'm still not feeling any closer to a decision, but right now my head isn't actually spinning as hard about everything. Granted, I have a ton of other stuff on my mind as well...much of it relating to my body issues which are their own mess entirely. But they are getting better with time.

My identification as gay hasn't changed since this all came out into the open and I don't think I can put it back, no matter what I choose to do. It's still part of who I am. And I have to come to terms with that no matter how hard it is, no matter how much I sometimes wish otherwise.

R

You Spin ME Right Round...

I feel like my head is just spinning ceaselessly. The only time it stops is when I sleep and even then I can't sleep through the night. The way I keep seeing things is that I will either go my own way and be happy in the long run or I will stay in order to make everyone else happy. I know that's an oversimplification and that's it not fair. But given that my sexuality has always meant a lot to me and that it has always been a large part of me I'm stuck feeling like I would have to give that up in order to stay with my husband. I can't be with him and have a woman on the side. That's too messy and complicated and definitely fucks up my sense of fair play.

Completely unrelated...I am craving alcoholic drinks (so I can forget) and comfort foods from my childhood including Spaghettios, Ramen noodles (I had some of these and may have more...), and ice cream specifically Ben And Jerry's Dublin Mudslide or some Bluebell any flavor I could happen to stumble upon since I live very far outside of their distribution area. Sometimes I dream about Bluebell Ice Cream.

*sigh* I really don't know what to do, what my best plan should be. I know that I haven't been happy and that we have had troubles especially with communication. And in the last weeks we have talked more than we had in years prior to this all happening. And I feel like we're friends again. And that we will always be friends. Now I have to figure out if we can go back to being husband and wife with this giant shadow looming above me. And I simply don't know.

Catching Up

After telling my husband we had a very tumultuous week and a half or so in which we tried to keep things as normal as possible between us. He was trying to process the information I had just dumped on him and I was trying to decide where to go from there. I was caught up in my own head, which made for some less than pretty moments and after a while we ended up in a giant fight that ended about 5am the morning after we had both gotten up at 5 am the day before. At this point because of the lack of sleep some of that is kind of fuzzy, but most of it isn't anything that I feel needs shared here. The fact that it happened and became a pretty good catalyst for change is enough.

We have been living together and sharing a bed. Essentially we are roommates with an odd living situation. We are still best friends, although we have (or I have) also caused damage to our friendship which we are repairing as well. He is learning to cook and we have discussed things like being alone and how we might handle them. I am struggling with how to tell my parents and with the knowledge that his parents are really hurt by everything and its my fault. I couldn't even talk to my mother in law for a good week after everything went down and I still haven't spoken to my father in law, but that's because of something he said that really upset me. Time heals all....right?

And now that you're pretty much up to speed I can move on to sharing current things and emotions that go on and how I'm handling them. One of the biggest right now is a feeling of isolation. I am a gay woman, married to a man, and basically no one knows. I can talk to my husband about how I feel and he will listen, but I want to talk to someone who has been through this coming out period who has felt the way I feel. Hell, I can't even describe how I feel other than alone and maybe that's enough. I dunno. I'm really having a hard time with conveying how I feel and what I feel and what I choose to show the world. So I'm blogging about it in hopes that it will give me some sort of clarity or insight. Or at least maybe lessen my anxiety about everything. And I do mean everything. It has been so bad that I will find myself getting anxious for no reason at all. Gotta love having an anxiety disorder....

R

The Beginning

Some time ago I began to struggle with myself regarding a series of thoughts and feelings that had crawled into my brain and wouldn't go away. I don't really know what set off the train of thought. I'm still trying to figure it out. But I know that the first several times it came to mind I immediately dismissed it out of hand. I didn't see any way what I was thinking could even be possible. It did not make sense in my head. And I wasn't willing to do too much talking about it.

At any rate, the reason I thought I was going crazy was because I was (and am) a married woman. My husband is funny, kind, sweet, and genuinely one of the best people in my life. He is my best friend. With a wonderful husband like him how could I be having these thoughts? I started shutting myself down and pulling away from him trying to handle the stress and anxiety that raced through me all the time. Our sex life suffered, I turned into kind of a bitch, and neither of us knew what to do. Finally, he wanted answers, answers that I wasn't ready or prepared to give. But instead of being a smart adult and simply admitting to him that I was dealing with some stuff I freaked out, got anxious, and then lost my temper. Losing my temper was the catalyst for me to grow a pair and tell him what was going on.

After almost 9 years of marriage I dropped a figurative bomb on his head with a very simple two word sentence.

I'm gay. (He says that I told him, "I think I'm gay." I maintain that it happened the way I posted it here and since this is my blog....^_^)

And thus began a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, tears, long days and longer nights where neither of us slept and just a lot of craziness. I will be working thru bits and pieces of that here (posted as I recall them) as well as dealing with the fears and emotions that go along with coming to terms with my sexuality, my impending divorce, and anything and everything else I feel the need to address. I hope that if there is anyone else out there in the same situation as I am you will certainly feel free to say hello!!

R

Welcome

Recently I have embarked on a journey of self that has changed my life. A journey so difficult and so seemingly surreal at first that I honestly thought I was going a bit crazy. Because I am still dealing with things that I feel the need to keep from friends and family this blog will remain anonymous for the time being, but I do hope that eventually I can go public with it and share my story. Until then you can just call me Rain.