The Perfection of Imperfection

Ugh. The lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I'm kind of a hot mess. But I'm functional and the tiredness gives me a strange sense of clarity that I don't normally have. I've been struggling a lot with feeling as though I have no potential and seeing myself as the ugly duckling (for lack of a better term). I'm trying to deal with these things and find ways to simply better myself overall.

Unrelated note: Thank goodness for red squiggly lines that appear under my typos...I have lots of them tonight. lol

It was pointed out to me that, despite my fears, if I get to the point in a relationship with someone that they are seeing me without clothes on they are probably not going to be nearly as concerned with my flaws (perceived or otherwise) as I am. This is probably true, but I'm at a point in my life where I magnify the tiniest things and obsess over them. Mostly because there are times when I simply don't know what else to do. I am taking things day by day and moment by moment because I am finding it difficult to do almost anything else.

My coping mechanisms are strange and screwed up and unless I start doing unhealthy things they are not things I can use right now. So I muddle through and try to ignore the whispered voices in my head. And this is incredibly disjointed which fits because that's how I feel right now. I will be glad when the dissonance inside my head settles down and finds a rhythm.

R

Faith, Spirituality, and Sex are all Connected

It just has occured to me that I spent a good portion of my high school years trying to find both my faith and my sexuality. One I found and the other I lost even though at one point they were very interconnected. Then I lost them both.

Now here I am, a decade out of high school and I feel as though I've made so many mistakes. But a decade isn't such a long time in the grand scheme of things and maybe I can find my way back. I'm going to reclaim who and what I am. It's going to be a long road, but this is what I need to do with myself. I need to go back to the fairy loving girl with a sense of wonder, who was a hippie minus the peace, love, and tie dye, and reconnect with Goddess and re-learn how sex can be magick. One single step at a time.