scars and life

Life has been up and down and backwards and sleepless and just generally all over it seems lately. But really it has simply been one crazy stunt that was actually planned that seems to have taken up so much. I worked Monday, got out of work, and prepared to enjoy some time off. The plan for Tuesday night was for me to undergo a procedure called scarification and a good friend stopped by to see how a job interview had gone and how I was holding up waiting for my appointment.. All was going pretty well until my ex unexpectedly showed up. We hung out and chatted and things were fine until he asked me to walk him out to his car. I did and that's where things got crazy. We got into this discussion about us and how he felt like I was avoiding him and how I've struggled to be friends with him and a lot of stuff. It wasn't pretty and out of respect for him I won't be including a ton of details, but it shook me a bit. And given that I was going to be doing some SERIOUS body modding later that night I needed to be much calmer. That's where my friend comes in (said friend will probably need a good name, but I haven't come up with one just yet...) and did what was needed for me to calm down, which included feeding me DELICIOUS pizza and being patient enough to wait while my dragonfly was done and then make sure I got home safely.

The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!

OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.

And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.

R

Labels pt. deux

http://mayahuskee.deviantart.com/journal/Label-Me-Lesbian-A-Guide-to-Types-of-Lesbians-214218387


The above link is to a blog post that deals with labels within the lesbian community. After reading through it I definitely feel like that if I HAVE to apply a label to myself it would be that of a "Chapstick Lesbian". Since I generally have at least one tube of chapstick on me at any given time this is somewhat amusing to me. However, I am just butch enough that I like taking care of a girl...and this rule even applies to my female friends if need be. :)

In the long run, labels don't really matter one way or the other, but if people feel the need to give me one, well this is it. In semi-related news, I am considering sharing this blog with some of my friends if they happen to be curious about what I have been dealing with Since late March/early April. I will still probably go by Rain, but perhaps at some point I do a "proper" About Me" post or page. Maybe then I won't feel so invisible.

R

Words

There is a small group of my friends who know what is going on in my life lately and today one of them made a comment about another person we sometimes encounter and used the term "faggot". Instantly she got super quiet and realized that she might have offended me. While I don't particularly advocate the use of such terms it doesn't really bother me. Granted, that may change, but it never has so far and I'm going to stick with that for now. A second friend immediately jumps in and tries to smooth things over with a comment about how maybe we shouldn't use that language and whatnot and while I appreciate her willingness to say hey that's not cool I was pretty amused at the entire thing. So I turned back to the first person and laughing told her the person we had been talking about was a homo and kept going. I didn't do it for any reason other than to show my friends that crap like that isn't going to bother me (I still don't like the person being discussed) and I'm only sharing it here because I found it somewhat amusing. Maybe the first time someone other than a good friend calls me a homo to my face I will be more upset about it, but words are words and can only hurt us if we let them.

R

Randomata

God, I feel like I have ruined pretty much everything. A nine year marriage, my relationship with my in-laws, with my parents when I tell them, and I still feel super isolated because I don't have anyone to talk to that I think really understands. I have plenty of people who will lend sympathetic ears (hell, my husband is one of them), but that doesn't seem to be the same. And I want to tell people, just so things aren't hanging over me.

I also really want to have sex, but I can't have sex with my husband without freaking out and being all weird about it. Things were awkward before I told him I was gay and I had enough trouble then. Now that he knows it makes it that much harder. I don't think he realizes that a lot of my problems with our sex life in the months leading up to this stemmed from exactly this and it was easier not to have sex. When we did I really had to try very hard to relax and make any attempt at enjoying myself. And because I hadn't come out it was easier for me to deny it to myself and the world. Now that I have I can't deny it and that makes it hard for me to even attempt to enjoy sex right now. Nevermind that I kind of need to have a massive all out orgasm that is so hard it makes me cry uncontrollably and I cannot get that because I cannot relax enough to get to that point. And I can't have this conversation face to face with him and I know that he will probably read this. And, honey, please don't try to make me talk about it after you read it. You know I will just freak out and cry. I already feel like I've been a horrible wife to you and this makes it worse for me.

*sigh* I'm trying not to hate myself for feeling like I ruined so much by coming out, but its really hard. If there is anyone out there who stumbles across this who can tell me otherwise, please feel free.

R