Basics

So I've made no progress whatsoever regarding my last post and feel like I have no where to begin. I lack motivation to study theory and making the practical effort just sounds exhausting. I'm doing good to simply function most days without trying to add more to the list.

And rediscovering myself as a sexual being when I am so alone and so starved for the touch of another that getting myself off is all but impossible means that there's no sex of any kind for me. Wonderful. One more thing to break me. Being alone will kill me. Not the solitude but the lack of human connection. I don't feel like there's anyone in my life who would umderstand. And the one person that I *can* talk to...well being around them is so hard for me that I clam up and don't talk. I cease to be able to express myself.

My ex is a wonderful, amazing person who has so much more going for him than he knows. And I can see this. I can also see how my life is becoming merely an existence. I'm glad that he is finding his way but that doesn't make it easy to watch. Not when I feel as tho he (and everyone else) will eventually outpace me and I will be left behind.

Spending time with him is hard because of this but the ineloquence in my speech means that I would bungle the explanation of why I seem to be a bit distant sometimes and would only hurt him. I've hurt him enough. I won't do it again if I can help it. So I will just keep existing in my lonely bubble and keep struggling to stay afloat while everyone else slowly drifts away.

Faith, Spirituality, and Sex are all Connected

It just has occured to me that I spent a good portion of my high school years trying to find both my faith and my sexuality. One I found and the other I lost even though at one point they were very interconnected. Then I lost them both.

Now here I am, a decade out of high school and I feel as though I've made so many mistakes. But a decade isn't such a long time in the grand scheme of things and maybe I can find my way back. I'm going to reclaim who and what I am. It's going to be a long road, but this is what I need to do with myself. I need to go back to the fairy loving girl with a sense of wonder, who was a hippie minus the peace, love, and tie dye, and reconnect with Goddess and re-learn how sex can be magick. One single step at a time.

Unorganized

So after attending the anti-hate rally I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that the two events are connected. One of the things I struggle with is my relationship with Romero and how to act sometimes. I get freaked out by something minor (or not minor or even something that's only in my head) and I either freak out and get upset or I withdraw and get distant. And that causes a problem. I'm trying to be better and not get like that. I have no idea if I'm succeeding.

Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH

I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*

Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!

R

Fears

Being at this point in my life there are a lot of different thing to contend with. Fear is one of them. And one of the things that scares me most is sex. I haven't had sex with a woman in years. I'm not sure if I remember how to do it.
While I'm not at a point of dating and don't expect to be at that point anytime soon this is something that still just bugs the crap outta me. I keep asking myself what happens if I freak out or do something wrong or or or....there is a whole list.of questions and issues there. Scary.....
This isn't the only fear I'm dealing with (clearly) but this one is on my mind today for some inexplicable reason. Hopefully when the time eventually comes I won't be too anxious or worried or scared. Maybe it will be like riding a bike...lol
R