Basics

So I've made no progress whatsoever regarding my last post and feel like I have no where to begin. I lack motivation to study theory and making the practical effort just sounds exhausting. I'm doing good to simply function most days without trying to add more to the list.

And rediscovering myself as a sexual being when I am so alone and so starved for the touch of another that getting myself off is all but impossible means that there's no sex of any kind for me. Wonderful. One more thing to break me. Being alone will kill me. Not the solitude but the lack of human connection. I don't feel like there's anyone in my life who would umderstand. And the one person that I *can* talk to...well being around them is so hard for me that I clam up and don't talk. I cease to be able to express myself.

My ex is a wonderful, amazing person who has so much more going for him than he knows. And I can see this. I can also see how my life is becoming merely an existence. I'm glad that he is finding his way but that doesn't make it easy to watch. Not when I feel as tho he (and everyone else) will eventually outpace me and I will be left behind.

Spending time with him is hard because of this but the ineloquence in my speech means that I would bungle the explanation of why I seem to be a bit distant sometimes and would only hurt him. I've hurt him enough. I won't do it again if I can help it. So I will just keep existing in my lonely bubble and keep struggling to stay afloat while everyone else slowly drifts away.

I post lots of random shit so maybe all my posts should be titled "Randomata"

Things are mildly better today. I'm not stressing quite so badly. I'm still job hunting, but I need to really step that up. I'm also looking for car insurance that isn't five prices. After reworking my budget again today now I've got it looking as though maybe I can swing things, but I will really need to watch closely and not just buy things at random. Which basically means I will have no life outside of work and roller derby because I just won't be able to afford anything else. I can live with that. It's not as though I am in a big hurry to start dating again any how. Although, the CL Personals section is funny as hell. I need to remember that for when I need a good laugh.

I want to call my mom and talk to her, but I know she is on-call for her job and I don't want to dump this news on her if she has to go to work. But I gotta tell her sometime. I gotta quit stressing/obsessing over this.

I wish I had someone to really talk to about this. Someone who has been there done that in this situation I find myself in. Hell, maybe I just want someone to talk to that doesn't necessarily know me. I don't know. I'm just feeling very alone still and I don't really know why. I have friends and family and I know if I need them they will be there. Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't make the effort to reach out like I should. Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't. I like to pretend everything is fine because then I'm not burdening people. Anxiety ridden, gay, trapped in my own head, selfish, and a general mess about half of the time. Its a good thing I'm not interested in dating...I don't think I would be the best company at this point. I think I have a lot of self-improvements to make. One more thing that I'm going to worry about, even though I know I shouldn't.

R

Coming Out Labels

So I talked to my Dad on the phone today. Now I'm chatting with my Mom on Facebook. They still don't know. I totally bailed on telling Dad. And I don't think I want to tell Mom over IM. Not sure how much longer I can go without just breaking down though. And I really want it to be a serious conversation not some tear fest freak out. Although I did mention to her that there had been some drama that I'm dealing with and that should give her some idea that there's SOMETHING going on. She didn't push for details and I wasn't going there so that's that...

In other news I've spent a bit of time today browsing some other blogs that are geared towards the gay and lesbian community. One of the things that I see mentioned a LOT is labels. Queer, gay, dyke, butch, femme, lipstick lesbian, etc, etc. I'm not a big label person, but for the sake of my own curiosity I wouldn't mind knowing where exactly I would fall in these categories. But honestly, I don't feel like I can be pinned into any certain one. I mean, I'm tall and relatively heavy with a build that is something like a linebacker with an hourglass (think broad shoulders, but curves), I have short hair, several piercings, and play roller derby. I also am a fan of make-up and cute shoes just as much as I am a fan of jeans, a t-shirt, and my Chuck's. I've been known to hunt and fish, I love to cook and bake and do crafty things like knit and cross stitch. I''m not sure I fit within the defined parameters of any label I know of. Granted, those parameters can probably also be rather flexible. Anyone out there have any input?

Double double

I went to a Stand Against Hate rally in my town last night with my husband and some friends. Met some cool people. Considered coming out on TV as the news was there taking footage. Decided against going up and speaking, but I almost wish I had. Simply because sharing my story would have been nice. It has to come out sometime. So yeah...that was cool. (There was more about this, but I started this post EARLY this morning and don't remember the rest...LOL)

It crossed my mind earlier today that part of the reason I feel so out of place is that I am, in a sense, living a double life. There are people who know what is going on and everything, but there are also many more people who don't know. My family and coworkers for example. I mean really, its no one's business, but because Romero and I work in the same place we know that there will be talk and gossip and questions. It's almost unavoidable. And I still don't know how to tell Mom and Dad. I've thought about telling them one at a time, I've thought about getting them on a conference call, sending them a video, writing a letter, and I just don't know...

Coming out

So, since I'm still at a point where I am trying to figure things in my life out and all that...jazz...(Theater geek moment...LOL) there are many people who do not know what is going on. The majority of my family included. Today also happens to be my mother's birthday. I don't talk to her often, but I definitely made sure I called today. And we talked about her garden and her job and the baby boom that does NOT include me, thankfully.

We didn't talk about this. She doesn't know that her only daughter, her only child is gay. I don't know how to tell her when the time comes. I don't know how to tell either of my parents. I don't live close to them so I can't sit down and tell them face to face...well at least not without a plane ticket and some time off work, neither of which I can afford right now. And I know that I can't just avoid telling them forever. I don't even know how they will take it, what they might say or do. Despite not having a terribly close relationship with them, this is hard and it fucking sucks. I'm so wound up and anxious about it that I'm starting to cry. I'm tired of crying. So I'm going to stop. Right now.

But I still have no idea how to come out to my parents. I'm not even worried about some of the more ultra-conservative members of my family...they are going to flip shit anyway and I already know that. So whatever. But my parents are my parents and I have no idea how they are going to react. I do have an aunt who knows and she seems to think that they will be fine with it. Maybe not at first because it will come as a HUGE HUGE HUGE shock to them, but with time...and maybe a few drinks...lol I hope she's right. Part of me thinks she is, but there's another part of me that is terrified she's not. Oh well...there's no sense in driving myself too crazy over it. I won't know how things are gonna go until I tell them. And I don't know when I will be ready for that.

R

Fears

Being at this point in my life there are a lot of different thing to contend with. Fear is one of them. And one of the things that scares me most is sex. I haven't had sex with a woman in years. I'm not sure if I remember how to do it.
While I'm not at a point of dating and don't expect to be at that point anytime soon this is something that still just bugs the crap outta me. I keep asking myself what happens if I freak out or do something wrong or or or....there is a whole list.of questions and issues there. Scary.....
This isn't the only fear I'm dealing with (clearly) but this one is on my mind today for some inexplicable reason. Hopefully when the time eventually comes I won't be too anxious or worried or scared. Maybe it will be like riding a bike...lol
R

Thoughts

Long day at work. Glad its over. Still struggling with the idea of being alone. What if there's no one else out there? I mean, it seems pretty logical that everyone has many people that could love them given the world's population, but I worry about never meeting the "right" person.

I mean what makes me so much more special than anyone else? Why should someone want to spend their time with me? What can I offer? Asking myself these questions only makes my anxiety worse. So I try not to dwell on it. But its hard especially after you've been with someone for years and are facing the prospect of eventually trying to date again. Scary stuff.

Also, trying to live alone and afford all of the basic things like rent and bills and whatnot is terrifying...especially because of the economy and only having a part-time job. Even with a full-time job I think I would struggle. But I guess the only thing I can do is keep my head up and take things as they come. And keep looking for a job...

R

Fluff

Mundanity seems to be a good word for today. I'm off work and spent some time with hubby...I need a good name for him so I don't have to keep referring to him as just "hubby." In light of his interest in horror and zombie movies maybe I'll go with the moniker Romero after a popular director he enjoys. IDK. At any rate in addition to spending a quiet morning watching Star Trek I got my grocery shopping done. Finding habanero peppers for hot sauce might have been the highlight of the trip since I live in an area where they aren't always readily available.

I'm still not feeling any closer to a decision, but right now my head isn't actually spinning as hard about everything. Granted, I have a ton of other stuff on my mind as well...much of it relating to my body issues which are their own mess entirely. But they are getting better with time.

My identification as gay hasn't changed since this all came out into the open and I don't think I can put it back, no matter what I choose to do. It's still part of who I am. And I have to come to terms with that no matter how hard it is, no matter how much I sometimes wish otherwise.

R

You Spin ME Right Round...

I feel like my head is just spinning ceaselessly. The only time it stops is when I sleep and even then I can't sleep through the night. The way I keep seeing things is that I will either go my own way and be happy in the long run or I will stay in order to make everyone else happy. I know that's an oversimplification and that's it not fair. But given that my sexuality has always meant a lot to me and that it has always been a large part of me I'm stuck feeling like I would have to give that up in order to stay with my husband. I can't be with him and have a woman on the side. That's too messy and complicated and definitely fucks up my sense of fair play.

Completely unrelated...I am craving alcoholic drinks (so I can forget) and comfort foods from my childhood including Spaghettios, Ramen noodles (I had some of these and may have more...), and ice cream specifically Ben And Jerry's Dublin Mudslide or some Bluebell any flavor I could happen to stumble upon since I live very far outside of their distribution area. Sometimes I dream about Bluebell Ice Cream.

*sigh* I really don't know what to do, what my best plan should be. I know that I haven't been happy and that we have had troubles especially with communication. And in the last weeks we have talked more than we had in years prior to this all happening. And I feel like we're friends again. And that we will always be friends. Now I have to figure out if we can go back to being husband and wife with this giant shadow looming above me. And I simply don't know.

Words

There is a small group of my friends who know what is going on in my life lately and today one of them made a comment about another person we sometimes encounter and used the term "faggot". Instantly she got super quiet and realized that she might have offended me. While I don't particularly advocate the use of such terms it doesn't really bother me. Granted, that may change, but it never has so far and I'm going to stick with that for now. A second friend immediately jumps in and tries to smooth things over with a comment about how maybe we shouldn't use that language and whatnot and while I appreciate her willingness to say hey that's not cool I was pretty amused at the entire thing. So I turned back to the first person and laughing told her the person we had been talking about was a homo and kept going. I didn't do it for any reason other than to show my friends that crap like that isn't going to bother me (I still don't like the person being discussed) and I'm only sharing it here because I found it somewhat amusing. Maybe the first time someone other than a good friend calls me a homo to my face I will be more upset about it, but words are words and can only hurt us if we let them.

R

Randomata

God, I feel like I have ruined pretty much everything. A nine year marriage, my relationship with my in-laws, with my parents when I tell them, and I still feel super isolated because I don't have anyone to talk to that I think really understands. I have plenty of people who will lend sympathetic ears (hell, my husband is one of them), but that doesn't seem to be the same. And I want to tell people, just so things aren't hanging over me.

I also really want to have sex, but I can't have sex with my husband without freaking out and being all weird about it. Things were awkward before I told him I was gay and I had enough trouble then. Now that he knows it makes it that much harder. I don't think he realizes that a lot of my problems with our sex life in the months leading up to this stemmed from exactly this and it was easier not to have sex. When we did I really had to try very hard to relax and make any attempt at enjoying myself. And because I hadn't come out it was easier for me to deny it to myself and the world. Now that I have I can't deny it and that makes it hard for me to even attempt to enjoy sex right now. Nevermind that I kind of need to have a massive all out orgasm that is so hard it makes me cry uncontrollably and I cannot get that because I cannot relax enough to get to that point. And I can't have this conversation face to face with him and I know that he will probably read this. And, honey, please don't try to make me talk about it after you read it. You know I will just freak out and cry. I already feel like I've been a horrible wife to you and this makes it worse for me.

*sigh* I'm trying not to hate myself for feeling like I ruined so much by coming out, but its really hard. If there is anyone out there who stumbles across this who can tell me otherwise, please feel free.

R

Catching Up

After telling my husband we had a very tumultuous week and a half or so in which we tried to keep things as normal as possible between us. He was trying to process the information I had just dumped on him and I was trying to decide where to go from there. I was caught up in my own head, which made for some less than pretty moments and after a while we ended up in a giant fight that ended about 5am the morning after we had both gotten up at 5 am the day before. At this point because of the lack of sleep some of that is kind of fuzzy, but most of it isn't anything that I feel needs shared here. The fact that it happened and became a pretty good catalyst for change is enough.

We have been living together and sharing a bed. Essentially we are roommates with an odd living situation. We are still best friends, although we have (or I have) also caused damage to our friendship which we are repairing as well. He is learning to cook and we have discussed things like being alone and how we might handle them. I am struggling with how to tell my parents and with the knowledge that his parents are really hurt by everything and its my fault. I couldn't even talk to my mother in law for a good week after everything went down and I still haven't spoken to my father in law, but that's because of something he said that really upset me. Time heals all....right?

And now that you're pretty much up to speed I can move on to sharing current things and emotions that go on and how I'm handling them. One of the biggest right now is a feeling of isolation. I am a gay woman, married to a man, and basically no one knows. I can talk to my husband about how I feel and he will listen, but I want to talk to someone who has been through this coming out period who has felt the way I feel. Hell, I can't even describe how I feel other than alone and maybe that's enough. I dunno. I'm really having a hard time with conveying how I feel and what I feel and what I choose to show the world. So I'm blogging about it in hopes that it will give me some sort of clarity or insight. Or at least maybe lessen my anxiety about everything. And I do mean everything. It has been so bad that I will find myself getting anxious for no reason at all. Gotta love having an anxiety disorder....

R

The Beginning

Some time ago I began to struggle with myself regarding a series of thoughts and feelings that had crawled into my brain and wouldn't go away. I don't really know what set off the train of thought. I'm still trying to figure it out. But I know that the first several times it came to mind I immediately dismissed it out of hand. I didn't see any way what I was thinking could even be possible. It did not make sense in my head. And I wasn't willing to do too much talking about it.

At any rate, the reason I thought I was going crazy was because I was (and am) a married woman. My husband is funny, kind, sweet, and genuinely one of the best people in my life. He is my best friend. With a wonderful husband like him how could I be having these thoughts? I started shutting myself down and pulling away from him trying to handle the stress and anxiety that raced through me all the time. Our sex life suffered, I turned into kind of a bitch, and neither of us knew what to do. Finally, he wanted answers, answers that I wasn't ready or prepared to give. But instead of being a smart adult and simply admitting to him that I was dealing with some stuff I freaked out, got anxious, and then lost my temper. Losing my temper was the catalyst for me to grow a pair and tell him what was going on.

After almost 9 years of marriage I dropped a figurative bomb on his head with a very simple two word sentence.

I'm gay. (He says that I told him, "I think I'm gay." I maintain that it happened the way I posted it here and since this is my blog....^_^)

And thus began a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, tears, long days and longer nights where neither of us slept and just a lot of craziness. I will be working thru bits and pieces of that here (posted as I recall them) as well as dealing with the fears and emotions that go along with coming to terms with my sexuality, my impending divorce, and anything and everything else I feel the need to address. I hope that if there is anyone else out there in the same situation as I am you will certainly feel free to say hello!!

R

Welcome

Recently I have embarked on a journey of self that has changed my life. A journey so difficult and so seemingly surreal at first that I honestly thought I was going a bit crazy. Because I am still dealing with things that I feel the need to keep from friends and family this blog will remain anonymous for the time being, but I do hope that eventually I can go public with it and share my story. Until then you can just call me Rain.