Stronger

So I've been alternating between having panic attacks and not being home much between work and going out with friends because my friends know I brood if left alone too much. I'm very tired and am ready for some down time. I can't promise I won't brood a little, but I feel as though I may start functioning a bit better sometime soon.

My goals for the week include surviving tomorrow at work, doing the deep cleaning that I have been putting off, meeting with my landlady, getting my car inspected, getting the cable/internet/electric in my name, playing some roller derby, hanging with my girls, and getting more sleep and more exercise.

Longer term goals include a continued job hunt, more tattoos, piercings, and a potential scarification, more derby, and maybe a non-serious girlfriend...although that goal isn't one I necessarily expect to meet given my lack of confidence and living in a small town. *shrug* Maybe I will be surprised one day...in the meantime...I'm going to attempt to sleep. And maybe have dreams about pretty girls.

Stuff

http://www.etsy.com/listing/92616521/rainbow-love-necklace

 I want that necklace!! It also comes as a ring which I would wear, but I really want the necklace. :)
It was made by the owner of the blog, Card Carrying Lesbian, who has a ton of cool jewelry in her etsy shop and seems like she would be a hell of a lot of fun. I've been reading her blog for a short time since I started this journey and it has definitely had some enlightening moments.

 I'm procrastinating on getting ready for work because I have a headache, but I know I gotta move sometime and soon...I am starting to look for a new job and am hopeful that things will work out. I'm waiting to hear back from one place that I just applied to and hoping that another place has an opening soon. It's a waiting game...

Anxiety fit

I was going to suck it up today and call my mother. She had to work. So I got my reprieve there and have spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to figure out a budget, not freak out, not shave my head, and generally be OK. I'm really worried about being able to afford my rent and all my bills on what I make. Which means I'm looking at job postings too, but I haven't had much luck there. There are a few that I'm just going to apply for and go for broke. The worst that can happen is that I don't have a new job. At least I'm not losing the one I've got. And maybe something will surprise me by working out.

I feel very lonely again today. So many worries most of which I have little to no control over...or will simply have to work with what I've got to make them be less, but no one I feel like I can talk to. Or no one that I feel would want to listen. I know that's not true, but I try not to be a burden.

I sat down and tried to draft a budget basing it off of my last two paychecks. If I did it right and understand everything I am going to be very very tight and possibly without a cell phone. And also, I will definitely need to get as many hours at my job as they will allow me to have. Hence, the reason I am looking for another job. Or a cheaper apartment, but it will HAVE to allow cats and that can be hard to find.

I'm just really anxious and kind of freaking out about everything. I've started to hit the point where I want to start trying to sell excess belongings that I don't need (excluding heirloom items) so that I can try to make sure I can swing things by myself and have a bit of a cushion to rely on. I am capable enough to do this and handle shit, but right now I'm just having a bit of a freak out. I'm OK. I will be OK.

Unorganized

So after attending the anti-hate rally I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that the two events are connected. One of the things I struggle with is my relationship with Romero and how to act sometimes. I get freaked out by something minor (or not minor or even something that's only in my head) and I either freak out and get upset or I withdraw and get distant. And that causes a problem. I'm trying to be better and not get like that. I have no idea if I'm succeeding.

Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH

I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*

Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!

R