Losing

I have really good days. I also have mediocre days. And I have bad days. Today has been one of those days where I'm not sure where it will end up. Right now I am just overwhelmed and a bit lonely. OK. A lot lonely. I have so much to do and I'm not doing any of it and I have so many bills that I can't pay. Things are quickly becoming a struggle for me financially and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to everything.

I'm afraid of losing it all. But I'm also feeling fairly certain that that is exactly where I'm heading and in pretty short order. It scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to do terrible things so I can forget, for a while, where things are going. But I know that's not good idea for me. Not short term OR long term. Maybe, if I can hold on a little longer things will change, but I don't know if I can see it happening. All I see in my future is bleak disaster.

One of the things that I'm finding I miss the most is intimacy. Not sex or fucking or screwing around, but simple intimacy. I miss someone to hold me when I've had a bad day or being able to cuddle with them on a cold night or just sharing a touch as we pass in the hallway.

I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.

I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.

Basics

So I've made no progress whatsoever regarding my last post and feel like I have no where to begin. I lack motivation to study theory and making the practical effort just sounds exhausting. I'm doing good to simply function most days without trying to add more to the list.

And rediscovering myself as a sexual being when I am so alone and so starved for the touch of another that getting myself off is all but impossible means that there's no sex of any kind for me. Wonderful. One more thing to break me. Being alone will kill me. Not the solitude but the lack of human connection. I don't feel like there's anyone in my life who would umderstand. And the one person that I *can* talk to...well being around them is so hard for me that I clam up and don't talk. I cease to be able to express myself.

My ex is a wonderful, amazing person who has so much more going for him than he knows. And I can see this. I can also see how my life is becoming merely an existence. I'm glad that he is finding his way but that doesn't make it easy to watch. Not when I feel as tho he (and everyone else) will eventually outpace me and I will be left behind.

Spending time with him is hard because of this but the ineloquence in my speech means that I would bungle the explanation of why I seem to be a bit distant sometimes and would only hurt him. I've hurt him enough. I won't do it again if I can help it. So I will just keep existing in my lonely bubble and keep struggling to stay afloat while everyone else slowly drifts away.

sink or swim

Apparently I can function well for a few days and then I just fall apart. One of the things that makes me fall apart is feeling like I have nothing left in my life to really look forward to and that I'm going to be stuck right where I'm at for the rest of my life. In a small town, working a dead-end job, alone. Mind you, this is a small town that I hate and that has AWFUL weather. I am NOT a snow loving kind of girl.

One of the things that I am having a hard time with is that I feel as though I am left with nothing. I'm not sure why, because I have an apartment and a car and food and I know that my life could be a hell of a lot worse now. I mean, I chose this for myself and therefore I have no one to blame, but myself. But in the middle of the night when I wake up so lonely it's just fucking hard. And it is made harder by the knowledge that Romero would drop whatever he was doing to come try and help me handle it, but I can't let him do that. There's something inside me that just refuses that help. I feel like I have to sink or swim on my own. And right now, I think I'm sinking.

Sleepless

Last night was my first night alone. I was up until almost 3AM basically just puttering around and goofing off on the Internets. As tired as I was I knew sleep wasn't going to come easy. So I stayed up until I just wore myself out completely. I ate Chinese food at 1AM...something I typically am not all about. Anytime after midnight and before noon has a tendency to be breakfast food. I listened to the silence and to my neighbors surround sound that I can just hear echoes of sometimes. When I realized that sleep wasn't coming and that I had to be up for work in 3 hours I gave up and called in. Then puttered some more until I hit that point where my eyes were just barely open and the stupid video of someone's cat barking like a dog was blurring on the screen. When I laid down I still laid there for a long time before I did finally sleep. Alone. In a king size bed.

Being Alone

Unless something changes Saturday night will be the last time that Romero and I share a bed. He has asked me how I feel about all of this, but it is so hard to verbalize my feelings. Mostly I am feeling super alone. And scared because I can handle being alone with myself, but after 9 years or marriage the idea of being alone in that sense....well that terrifies me. But I know that I have to deal with it and move on. After all, its not as though I will have a ton of prospects for love or even sex living in the area I do. *sigh* Time to invest in some duracell stock....

On My Mind

So I spent today again helping R with stuff for his apartment. His goal is to be moved by the end of this week and he is looking like he should meet it. Tomorrow I am going to be stocking his kitchen for him so he will have a good start on meals. It's a good thing I like going grocery shopping :)

I also just applied for a couple of jobs online that would put my years of retail hell to good use in either position. Hopefully one or both of them will get back to me and they will be something I am interested in doing or can afford to do depending on the pay. I really dislike wearing navy all the time.

I am feeling incredibly lonely and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am too much of a chickenshit to do anything about it and therefore I will be forever alone. Romero says that I don't give myself enough credit for the wonderful person that I am. I think he's crazy. I'm also struggling with feelings of being a failure. I mean, I know that I didn't wake up one morning and choose to be gay, but I did wake up and realize that I couldn't stay married to my husband because of it. Never mind that there are people out there who somehow do it. I don't know how they do.

I will be spending a lot of time in the coming days and weeks alone in my apartment and while its not exactly the Ritz I am going to be doing the best I can with my limited resources to get it looking kind of nice. I will be making curtains and cleaning the hell out of everything I can. Unfortunately, the carpet is worn and threadbare, the futon is old and busted, I won't have a TV for entertainment (not like I watch much, but it might be nice for if/when friends ever come over), and my walls are bare since I can't put nails in them. I really am feeling like this place is a shithole and that no one would ever want to date me or even hang out with me because of it. *sigh*

Yeah, I know this is a long rambling post that doesn't have much of a common thread, but its just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and honestly don't know when I will get a break from things. It has started to make my anxiety worse, which upsets my stomach, which is exacerbated by anything I eat, which means I'm sick to my stomach whether I eat or not, and being sick causes anxiety because I never know when its going to hit and I will be running for the nearest bathroom. And that anxiety plus stomach issues is just one more reason that no one would want to date me...

R

Anxiety fit

I was going to suck it up today and call my mother. She had to work. So I got my reprieve there and have spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to figure out a budget, not freak out, not shave my head, and generally be OK. I'm really worried about being able to afford my rent and all my bills on what I make. Which means I'm looking at job postings too, but I haven't had much luck there. There are a few that I'm just going to apply for and go for broke. The worst that can happen is that I don't have a new job. At least I'm not losing the one I've got. And maybe something will surprise me by working out.

I feel very lonely again today. So many worries most of which I have little to no control over...or will simply have to work with what I've got to make them be less, but no one I feel like I can talk to. Or no one that I feel would want to listen. I know that's not true, but I try not to be a burden.

I sat down and tried to draft a budget basing it off of my last two paychecks. If I did it right and understand everything I am going to be very very tight and possibly without a cell phone. And also, I will definitely need to get as many hours at my job as they will allow me to have. Hence, the reason I am looking for another job. Or a cheaper apartment, but it will HAVE to allow cats and that can be hard to find.

I'm just really anxious and kind of freaking out about everything. I've started to hit the point where I want to start trying to sell excess belongings that I don't need (excluding heirloom items) so that I can try to make sure I can swing things by myself and have a bit of a cushion to rely on. I am capable enough to do this and handle shit, but right now I'm just having a bit of a freak out. I'm OK. I will be OK.