MIA

So I'm working on learning some life skills that I had not previously acquired. As strange it may sound I am terrible at relaxing and not worrying, asking for things that I want, and saying yes when someone asks me if I want something, no matter how badly I DO actually want it.

In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.

I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.

I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.

R

Acceptance

It's coming on midnight and I've worked all day. I was standing in the kitchen with my dragonfly bandaged and frying up some paneer for a snack (I didn't know how delicious this stuff was and I want to just make my own so I don't have to buy it anymore!!) when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that I can wander about in nothing or next to nothing for clothing and I indulge myself frequently...why not?

I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)

At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.

R

Stronger

So I've been alternating between having panic attacks and not being home much between work and going out with friends because my friends know I brood if left alone too much. I'm very tired and am ready for some down time. I can't promise I won't brood a little, but I feel as though I may start functioning a bit better sometime soon.

My goals for the week include surviving tomorrow at work, doing the deep cleaning that I have been putting off, meeting with my landlady, getting my car inspected, getting the cable/internet/electric in my name, playing some roller derby, hanging with my girls, and getting more sleep and more exercise.

Longer term goals include a continued job hunt, more tattoos, piercings, and a potential scarification, more derby, and maybe a non-serious girlfriend...although that goal isn't one I necessarily expect to meet given my lack of confidence and living in a small town. *shrug* Maybe I will be surprised one day...in the meantime...I'm going to attempt to sleep. And maybe have dreams about pretty girls.

Time marches on

So I have been doing my best to take the major changes in my life in stride. I'm not upset about things. I'm not jealous because my husband is moving on with his life and I want him to be happy. I am a bit sad as this period comes to an end and I think the first night or two alone might be hard. But in the end that's how life goes sometimes. Everything changes and time marches on. Now if a pretty girl marched her way into my bed I would be ok with that....except that it has been so long that I dunno if I remember how with another woman...I would ask if anyone wanted to give me lessons but I don't think I have an audience. Please say hello if I do. :)

R