Losing

I have really good days. I also have mediocre days. And I have bad days. Today has been one of those days where I'm not sure where it will end up. Right now I am just overwhelmed and a bit lonely. OK. A lot lonely. I have so much to do and I'm not doing any of it and I have so many bills that I can't pay. Things are quickly becoming a struggle for me financially and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to everything.

I'm afraid of losing it all. But I'm also feeling fairly certain that that is exactly where I'm heading and in pretty short order. It scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to do terrible things so I can forget, for a while, where things are going. But I know that's not good idea for me. Not short term OR long term. Maybe, if I can hold on a little longer things will change, but I don't know if I can see it happening. All I see in my future is bleak disaster.

The Perfection of Imperfection

Ugh. The lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I'm kind of a hot mess. But I'm functional and the tiredness gives me a strange sense of clarity that I don't normally have. I've been struggling a lot with feeling as though I have no potential and seeing myself as the ugly duckling (for lack of a better term). I'm trying to deal with these things and find ways to simply better myself overall.

Unrelated note: Thank goodness for red squiggly lines that appear under my typos...I have lots of them tonight. lol

It was pointed out to me that, despite my fears, if I get to the point in a relationship with someone that they are seeing me without clothes on they are probably not going to be nearly as concerned with my flaws (perceived or otherwise) as I am. This is probably true, but I'm at a point in my life where I magnify the tiniest things and obsess over them. Mostly because there are times when I simply don't know what else to do. I am taking things day by day and moment by moment because I am finding it difficult to do almost anything else.

My coping mechanisms are strange and screwed up and unless I start doing unhealthy things they are not things I can use right now. So I muddle through and try to ignore the whispered voices in my head. And this is incredibly disjointed which fits because that's how I feel right now. I will be glad when the dissonance inside my head settles down and finds a rhythm.

R

Time and More Time

Its been a few days and I'm still not sleeping terribly well. My morning headaches aren't going away and I don't think I've slept through the night since Saturday. I'm grumpy and miserable about not sleeping well. I'm also finding that I am more lonely than I thought I would be. I think that some of my loneliness stems from the fact that I don't go out and do things and I don't always feel like I have people I can talk to. Even though I know that I do have options. I'm trying very hard to take some time for myself. I know that I need it. But I feel as though I have no one that understands a lot of what I'm going through and that I have no where to turn for help.

Between that and the financial struggles that I may be facing (some of which have more to do with things I want than things I need) I stress myself out. Although I don't think feeling like I need to see my family is unreasonable. The trick, however, is coming up with airfare. Anyone wanna donate? lol Yeah right. No one even reads this but me. I keep telling myself that I will eventually meet my financial goals and that it will all work out in the long run, but right now when I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like I have no support system whatsoever it's hard to remember that.

Coming out

So after spending a good hour texting a friend to get my courage up and hoping that my mom wouldn't answer my text I finally talked to her and my dad this afternoon. And their reaction was so anti-climactic that I'm left wondering if they have known all along...even when I didn't. They asked the standard questions about future plans, how Romero is doing, if I will ever consider adoption (no Mom...), etc, etc.

But not even once did they appear to be surprised. I didn't get any questions about how did I know, although I did get an are you sure and when I said that I was they left it at that. We talked about how other family members may react and my mom basically said that if anyone has a problem then too damn bad for them. And I know my dad wouldn't tolerate anyone talking shit about me. What it boiled down to is that I'm their daughter and this is my life and whatever choices I make they will support me.

And this is what I have spent the last month or more freaking out about. Stupid anxiety...

R

Moving on and out...

It has been a long weekend with lots of travel, a few bruises, some drinking, and generally a good time. Although, I am apparently turning into an attention whore without having realized it. Time to curb that shit. I still haven't called Mom and Dad (big shock there), but am going to eventually have to do it sooner than later since Romero found a place and will be moving out. I'm scared about it. I don't know how I will pay my bills and make ends meet. How I will handle mundane things like spider killing and fly by attacks from stinging insects that I am allergic to? What if I can't sleep alone? So much that is changing and I'm afraid of all of it.

I know that in the end this is the way things have to go, but I can't deny having fears and doubts about being able to survive on my own. I'm worried that I may have to give up a much loved hobby because of the high cost. And despite it all I've been functioning relatively well without my meds, although I really need to start taking them again and keep taking them instead of slacking off. I feel like hell today and go back to work tomorrow. Another day, another dollar, and who knows what the future holds...

R

I post lots of random shit so maybe all my posts should be titled "Randomata"

Things are mildly better today. I'm not stressing quite so badly. I'm still job hunting, but I need to really step that up. I'm also looking for car insurance that isn't five prices. After reworking my budget again today now I've got it looking as though maybe I can swing things, but I will really need to watch closely and not just buy things at random. Which basically means I will have no life outside of work and roller derby because I just won't be able to afford anything else. I can live with that. It's not as though I am in a big hurry to start dating again any how. Although, the CL Personals section is funny as hell. I need to remember that for when I need a good laugh.

I want to call my mom and talk to her, but I know she is on-call for her job and I don't want to dump this news on her if she has to go to work. But I gotta tell her sometime. I gotta quit stressing/obsessing over this.

I wish I had someone to really talk to about this. Someone who has been there done that in this situation I find myself in. Hell, maybe I just want someone to talk to that doesn't necessarily know me. I don't know. I'm just feeling very alone still and I don't really know why. I have friends and family and I know if I need them they will be there. Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't make the effort to reach out like I should. Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't. I like to pretend everything is fine because then I'm not burdening people. Anxiety ridden, gay, trapped in my own head, selfish, and a general mess about half of the time. Its a good thing I'm not interested in dating...I don't think I would be the best company at this point. I think I have a lot of self-improvements to make. One more thing that I'm going to worry about, even though I know I shouldn't.

R

Anxiety fit

I was going to suck it up today and call my mother. She had to work. So I got my reprieve there and have spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to figure out a budget, not freak out, not shave my head, and generally be OK. I'm really worried about being able to afford my rent and all my bills on what I make. Which means I'm looking at job postings too, but I haven't had much luck there. There are a few that I'm just going to apply for and go for broke. The worst that can happen is that I don't have a new job. At least I'm not losing the one I've got. And maybe something will surprise me by working out.

I feel very lonely again today. So many worries most of which I have little to no control over...or will simply have to work with what I've got to make them be less, but no one I feel like I can talk to. Or no one that I feel would want to listen. I know that's not true, but I try not to be a burden.

I sat down and tried to draft a budget basing it off of my last two paychecks. If I did it right and understand everything I am going to be very very tight and possibly without a cell phone. And also, I will definitely need to get as many hours at my job as they will allow me to have. Hence, the reason I am looking for another job. Or a cheaper apartment, but it will HAVE to allow cats and that can be hard to find.

I'm just really anxious and kind of freaking out about everything. I've started to hit the point where I want to start trying to sell excess belongings that I don't need (excluding heirloom items) so that I can try to make sure I can swing things by myself and have a bit of a cushion to rely on. I am capable enough to do this and handle shit, but right now I'm just having a bit of a freak out. I'm OK. I will be OK.

Unorganized

So after attending the anti-hate rally I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that the two events are connected. One of the things I struggle with is my relationship with Romero and how to act sometimes. I get freaked out by something minor (or not minor or even something that's only in my head) and I either freak out and get upset or I withdraw and get distant. And that causes a problem. I'm trying to be better and not get like that. I have no idea if I'm succeeding.

Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH

I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*

Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!

R

Double double

I went to a Stand Against Hate rally in my town last night with my husband and some friends. Met some cool people. Considered coming out on TV as the news was there taking footage. Decided against going up and speaking, but I almost wish I had. Simply because sharing my story would have been nice. It has to come out sometime. So yeah...that was cool. (There was more about this, but I started this post EARLY this morning and don't remember the rest...LOL)

It crossed my mind earlier today that part of the reason I feel so out of place is that I am, in a sense, living a double life. There are people who know what is going on and everything, but there are also many more people who don't know. My family and coworkers for example. I mean really, its no one's business, but because Romero and I work in the same place we know that there will be talk and gossip and questions. It's almost unavoidable. And I still don't know how to tell Mom and Dad. I've thought about telling them one at a time, I've thought about getting them on a conference call, sending them a video, writing a letter, and I just don't know...