Labels pt. deux

http://mayahuskee.deviantart.com/journal/Label-Me-Lesbian-A-Guide-to-Types-of-Lesbians-214218387


The above link is to a blog post that deals with labels within the lesbian community. After reading through it I definitely feel like that if I HAVE to apply a label to myself it would be that of a "Chapstick Lesbian". Since I generally have at least one tube of chapstick on me at any given time this is somewhat amusing to me. However, I am just butch enough that I like taking care of a girl...and this rule even applies to my female friends if need be. :)

In the long run, labels don't really matter one way or the other, but if people feel the need to give me one, well this is it. In semi-related news, I am considering sharing this blog with some of my friends if they happen to be curious about what I have been dealing with Since late March/early April. I will still probably go by Rain, but perhaps at some point I do a "proper" About Me" post or page. Maybe then I won't feel so invisible.

R

Coming out

So after spending a good hour texting a friend to get my courage up and hoping that my mom wouldn't answer my text I finally talked to her and my dad this afternoon. And their reaction was so anti-climactic that I'm left wondering if they have known all along...even when I didn't. They asked the standard questions about future plans, how Romero is doing, if I will ever consider adoption (no Mom...), etc, etc.

But not even once did they appear to be surprised. I didn't get any questions about how did I know, although I did get an are you sure and when I said that I was they left it at that. We talked about how other family members may react and my mom basically said that if anyone has a problem then too damn bad for them. And I know my dad wouldn't tolerate anyone talking shit about me. What it boiled down to is that I'm their daughter and this is my life and whatever choices I make they will support me.

And this is what I have spent the last month or more freaking out about. Stupid anxiety...

R

Moving on and out...

It has been a long weekend with lots of travel, a few bruises, some drinking, and generally a good time. Although, I am apparently turning into an attention whore without having realized it. Time to curb that shit. I still haven't called Mom and Dad (big shock there), but am going to eventually have to do it sooner than later since Romero found a place and will be moving out. I'm scared about it. I don't know how I will pay my bills and make ends meet. How I will handle mundane things like spider killing and fly by attacks from stinging insects that I am allergic to? What if I can't sleep alone? So much that is changing and I'm afraid of all of it.

I know that in the end this is the way things have to go, but I can't deny having fears and doubts about being able to survive on my own. I'm worried that I may have to give up a much loved hobby because of the high cost. And despite it all I've been functioning relatively well without my meds, although I really need to start taking them again and keep taking them instead of slacking off. I feel like hell today and go back to work tomorrow. Another day, another dollar, and who knows what the future holds...

R

Coming Out Labels

So I talked to my Dad on the phone today. Now I'm chatting with my Mom on Facebook. They still don't know. I totally bailed on telling Dad. And I don't think I want to tell Mom over IM. Not sure how much longer I can go without just breaking down though. And I really want it to be a serious conversation not some tear fest freak out. Although I did mention to her that there had been some drama that I'm dealing with and that should give her some idea that there's SOMETHING going on. She didn't push for details and I wasn't going there so that's that...

In other news I've spent a bit of time today browsing some other blogs that are geared towards the gay and lesbian community. One of the things that I see mentioned a LOT is labels. Queer, gay, dyke, butch, femme, lipstick lesbian, etc, etc. I'm not a big label person, but for the sake of my own curiosity I wouldn't mind knowing where exactly I would fall in these categories. But honestly, I don't feel like I can be pinned into any certain one. I mean, I'm tall and relatively heavy with a build that is something like a linebacker with an hourglass (think broad shoulders, but curves), I have short hair, several piercings, and play roller derby. I also am a fan of make-up and cute shoes just as much as I am a fan of jeans, a t-shirt, and my Chuck's. I've been known to hunt and fish, I love to cook and bake and do crafty things like knit and cross stitch. I''m not sure I fit within the defined parameters of any label I know of. Granted, those parameters can probably also be rather flexible. Anyone out there have any input?

Unorganized

So after attending the anti-hate rally I feel somewhat more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that the two events are connected. One of the things I struggle with is my relationship with Romero and how to act sometimes. I get freaked out by something minor (or not minor or even something that's only in my head) and I either freak out and get upset or I withdraw and get distant. And that causes a problem. I'm trying to be better and not get like that. I have no idea if I'm succeeding.

Also, he teases me for checking out other women. It makes me feel kind of bad. I don't know why, nor do I feel like that is his intent. I think it is his way of dealing with a situation that makes him perhaps a little uncomfortable. We are both also still convinced that the other person will be the first to find someone and that we will be the one left forever alone. Regardless, I don't even want to get involved with someone. I can look at a woman and think she's hot, but at this point that's about where I feel like I'm at. I haven't been with anyone other than Romero in a LONG time (9+ years) and having sex with someone else scares the fucking hell out of me. What if I don't remember how??? AAAGGGHHHH

I almost called my parents the other night. Then I chickened out. I've also decided that there is NO WAY I can call and tell my dad and then make him tell my mom. That's not fair and it really is kind of a shitty, cowardly thing to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm also tempted to just out myself via Facebook, but again I don't think that is fair to my parents. The best thing to do really is going to be for me to talk to them both. Now I just have to do it. Romero has told me not to feel like I have to rush into telling them and I can see his point. But both he and I have almost slipped up at work and said something and if work finds out before my parents find out then it will DEFINITELY hit Facebook and since that's not how I want Mom and Dad to find out...*sigh*

Off to get ready to go help set up for a big event that I'm part of tomorrow. Yay!!

R

Double double

I went to a Stand Against Hate rally in my town last night with my husband and some friends. Met some cool people. Considered coming out on TV as the news was there taking footage. Decided against going up and speaking, but I almost wish I had. Simply because sharing my story would have been nice. It has to come out sometime. So yeah...that was cool. (There was more about this, but I started this post EARLY this morning and don't remember the rest...LOL)

It crossed my mind earlier today that part of the reason I feel so out of place is that I am, in a sense, living a double life. There are people who know what is going on and everything, but there are also many more people who don't know. My family and coworkers for example. I mean really, its no one's business, but because Romero and I work in the same place we know that there will be talk and gossip and questions. It's almost unavoidable. And I still don't know how to tell Mom and Dad. I've thought about telling them one at a time, I've thought about getting them on a conference call, sending them a video, writing a letter, and I just don't know...

Coming out

So, since I'm still at a point where I am trying to figure things in my life out and all that...jazz...(Theater geek moment...LOL) there are many people who do not know what is going on. The majority of my family included. Today also happens to be my mother's birthday. I don't talk to her often, but I definitely made sure I called today. And we talked about her garden and her job and the baby boom that does NOT include me, thankfully.

We didn't talk about this. She doesn't know that her only daughter, her only child is gay. I don't know how to tell her when the time comes. I don't know how to tell either of my parents. I don't live close to them so I can't sit down and tell them face to face...well at least not without a plane ticket and some time off work, neither of which I can afford right now. And I know that I can't just avoid telling them forever. I don't even know how they will take it, what they might say or do. Despite not having a terribly close relationship with them, this is hard and it fucking sucks. I'm so wound up and anxious about it that I'm starting to cry. I'm tired of crying. So I'm going to stop. Right now.

But I still have no idea how to come out to my parents. I'm not even worried about some of the more ultra-conservative members of my family...they are going to flip shit anyway and I already know that. So whatever. But my parents are my parents and I have no idea how they are going to react. I do have an aunt who knows and she seems to think that they will be fine with it. Maybe not at first because it will come as a HUGE HUGE HUGE shock to them, but with time...and maybe a few drinks...lol I hope she's right. Part of me thinks she is, but there's another part of me that is terrified she's not. Oh well...there's no sense in driving myself too crazy over it. I won't know how things are gonna go until I tell them. And I don't know when I will be ready for that.

R

The Beginning

Some time ago I began to struggle with myself regarding a series of thoughts and feelings that had crawled into my brain and wouldn't go away. I don't really know what set off the train of thought. I'm still trying to figure it out. But I know that the first several times it came to mind I immediately dismissed it out of hand. I didn't see any way what I was thinking could even be possible. It did not make sense in my head. And I wasn't willing to do too much talking about it.

At any rate, the reason I thought I was going crazy was because I was (and am) a married woman. My husband is funny, kind, sweet, and genuinely one of the best people in my life. He is my best friend. With a wonderful husband like him how could I be having these thoughts? I started shutting myself down and pulling away from him trying to handle the stress and anxiety that raced through me all the time. Our sex life suffered, I turned into kind of a bitch, and neither of us knew what to do. Finally, he wanted answers, answers that I wasn't ready or prepared to give. But instead of being a smart adult and simply admitting to him that I was dealing with some stuff I freaked out, got anxious, and then lost my temper. Losing my temper was the catalyst for me to grow a pair and tell him what was going on.

After almost 9 years of marriage I dropped a figurative bomb on his head with a very simple two word sentence.

I'm gay. (He says that I told him, "I think I'm gay." I maintain that it happened the way I posted it here and since this is my blog....^_^)

And thus began a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, tears, long days and longer nights where neither of us slept and just a lot of craziness. I will be working thru bits and pieces of that here (posted as I recall them) as well as dealing with the fears and emotions that go along with coming to terms with my sexuality, my impending divorce, and anything and everything else I feel the need to address. I hope that if there is anyone else out there in the same situation as I am you will certainly feel free to say hello!!

R