So I'm working on learning some life skills that I had not previously acquired. As strange it may sound I am terrible at relaxing and not worrying, asking for things that I want, and saying yes when someone asks me if I want something, no matter how badly I DO actually want it.
In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.
I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.
I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.
R
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Acceptance
It's coming on midnight and I've worked all day. I was standing in the kitchen with my dragonfly bandaged and frying up some paneer for a snack (I didn't know how delicious this stuff was and I want to just make my own so I don't have to buy it anymore!!) when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that I can wander about in nothing or next to nothing for clothing and I indulge myself frequently...why not?
I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)
At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.
R
I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)
At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.
R
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