MIA

So I'm working on learning some life skills that I had not previously acquired. As strange it may sound I am terrible at relaxing and not worrying, asking for things that I want, and saying yes when someone asks me if I want something, no matter how badly I DO actually want it.

In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.

I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.

I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.

R

Acceptance

It's coming on midnight and I've worked all day. I was standing in the kitchen with my dragonfly bandaged and frying up some paneer for a snack (I didn't know how delicious this stuff was and I want to just make my own so I don't have to buy it anymore!!) when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that I can wander about in nothing or next to nothing for clothing and I indulge myself frequently...why not?

I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)

At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.

R

Moving Forward and Back and Foward

So I play a team sport and I consider myself an athlete. Definitely not a pro and not even a good amateur, but what I do does require some skill and coordination on an athletic level. I can do it and sometimes I even feel like I do it well.

However, since everything went down in my life I have REALLY become an exercise slacker. I wasn't great at it before but I've got worse in recent months. As I'm slowly trying to recover a sense of self and who I am and want to be I am feeling as though I need to get back to exercising more than just at team practices. So i am. And holy crap do I feel out of shape after a twenty minute workout consisting of a series of various types of crunches, leg lifts, push ups, modified planking, and squats. There was a time that doing 3 or 4 sets of 30 squats at a time was not unheard of for me. My total overall for today's workout : 50. I have gotten off track for sure and I'm gonna get it back. I have some workout DVDs that I will be doing and I am hoping I can get my hands on a copy of Insanity. Clearly it is going to kick my ass, but I think I need my ass kicked and I think it will do me good. Even if I have to start at the beginning and do it over and over until I feel like I can move on it will do me good.

I will probably NEVER have the body of one of the Williams sisters or any of the Olympic gymnasts out there, but I will have a body that I am happy with and can accept. And with any luck...getting into better shape will help me be more accepting of the imperfections that I cannot change. Now I'm off to clean house and if the mood strikes maybe I will throw in a few more reps. :) Here's to taking as many steps forward as I can without backsliding, but knowing that if I take three steps forward and two steps back I can always keep moving forward.

R

The Perfection of Imperfection

Ugh. The lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I'm kind of a hot mess. But I'm functional and the tiredness gives me a strange sense of clarity that I don't normally have. I've been struggling a lot with feeling as though I have no potential and seeing myself as the ugly duckling (for lack of a better term). I'm trying to deal with these things and find ways to simply better myself overall.

Unrelated note: Thank goodness for red squiggly lines that appear under my typos...I have lots of them tonight. lol

It was pointed out to me that, despite my fears, if I get to the point in a relationship with someone that they are seeing me without clothes on they are probably not going to be nearly as concerned with my flaws (perceived or otherwise) as I am. This is probably true, but I'm at a point in my life where I magnify the tiniest things and obsess over them. Mostly because there are times when I simply don't know what else to do. I am taking things day by day and moment by moment because I am finding it difficult to do almost anything else.

My coping mechanisms are strange and screwed up and unless I start doing unhealthy things they are not things I can use right now. So I muddle through and try to ignore the whispered voices in my head. And this is incredibly disjointed which fits because that's how I feel right now. I will be glad when the dissonance inside my head settles down and finds a rhythm.

R

One of the things that I'm finding I miss the most is intimacy. Not sex or fucking or screwing around, but simple intimacy. I miss someone to hold me when I've had a bad day or being able to cuddle with them on a cold night or just sharing a touch as we pass in the hallway.

I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.

I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.

Tids and Bits

I spent my weekend either working or playing roller derby and now I'm just trying to get caught up on sleep and see what the coming week holds. Took an elbow to the face and I think a teammate has decided that it is her job to fix me up. Except that she seems quite willing to fix me up with anyone I find attractive. Since I'm not really up for any serious dating and I'm pretty happy to just check out the eye candy I have a feeling this could get....awkward at the least.

I talked to my dad tonight and I'm very grateful that thing aren't weird between me and my parents. They seem pretty much unfazed by my coming out. So do the majority of my friends and the co-workers that know. Since I work in a place where often the rumor mill is worse than your typical high school I'm grateful for the small things like this. I'm not really hiding, but I don't feel the need to completely announce my sexual preference to everyone. Well, OK not all the time anyway...and last night I actually had to tell a guy that I'm gay so he would stop hitting on me. Granted, I'm not sure he believed me, but I don't care as long as he backs off.

And I think I'm going to be getting a scarification piece done!!! My favorite tattoo artist has been training for it and I volunteered to be a practice guinea pig cause...well cause why not!! I've been interested in getting the work done for a long time and I trust Almighty to take care of me. So I will have a dragonfly sometime. Can't wait!!!! And I think that's all the stuff I randomly feel the need to share right now. More later either of fluff like this or of whatever angst has manged to worm its way forth.

R

Basics

So I've made no progress whatsoever regarding my last post and feel like I have no where to begin. I lack motivation to study theory and making the practical effort just sounds exhausting. I'm doing good to simply function most days without trying to add more to the list.

And rediscovering myself as a sexual being when I am so alone and so starved for the touch of another that getting myself off is all but impossible means that there's no sex of any kind for me. Wonderful. One more thing to break me. Being alone will kill me. Not the solitude but the lack of human connection. I don't feel like there's anyone in my life who would umderstand. And the one person that I *can* talk to...well being around them is so hard for me that I clam up and don't talk. I cease to be able to express myself.

My ex is a wonderful, amazing person who has so much more going for him than he knows. And I can see this. I can also see how my life is becoming merely an existence. I'm glad that he is finding his way but that doesn't make it easy to watch. Not when I feel as tho he (and everyone else) will eventually outpace me and I will be left behind.

Spending time with him is hard because of this but the ineloquence in my speech means that I would bungle the explanation of why I seem to be a bit distant sometimes and would only hurt him. I've hurt him enough. I won't do it again if I can help it. So I will just keep existing in my lonely bubble and keep struggling to stay afloat while everyone else slowly drifts away.

Faith, Spirituality, and Sex are all Connected

It just has occured to me that I spent a good portion of my high school years trying to find both my faith and my sexuality. One I found and the other I lost even though at one point they were very interconnected. Then I lost them both.

Now here I am, a decade out of high school and I feel as though I've made so many mistakes. But a decade isn't such a long time in the grand scheme of things and maybe I can find my way back. I'm going to reclaim who and what I am. It's going to be a long road, but this is what I need to do with myself. I need to go back to the fairy loving girl with a sense of wonder, who was a hippie minus the peace, love, and tie dye, and reconnect with Goddess and re-learn how sex can be magick. One single step at a time.

sink or swim

Apparently I can function well for a few days and then I just fall apart. One of the things that makes me fall apart is feeling like I have nothing left in my life to really look forward to and that I'm going to be stuck right where I'm at for the rest of my life. In a small town, working a dead-end job, alone. Mind you, this is a small town that I hate and that has AWFUL weather. I am NOT a snow loving kind of girl.

One of the things that I am having a hard time with is that I feel as though I am left with nothing. I'm not sure why, because I have an apartment and a car and food and I know that my life could be a hell of a lot worse now. I mean, I chose this for myself and therefore I have no one to blame, but myself. But in the middle of the night when I wake up so lonely it's just fucking hard. And it is made harder by the knowledge that Romero would drop whatever he was doing to come try and help me handle it, but I can't let him do that. There's something inside me that just refuses that help. I feel like I have to sink or swim on my own. And right now, I think I'm sinking.

Sleepless

Last night was my first night alone. I was up until almost 3AM basically just puttering around and goofing off on the Internets. As tired as I was I knew sleep wasn't going to come easy. So I stayed up until I just wore myself out completely. I ate Chinese food at 1AM...something I typically am not all about. Anytime after midnight and before noon has a tendency to be breakfast food. I listened to the silence and to my neighbors surround sound that I can just hear echoes of sometimes. When I realized that sleep wasn't coming and that I had to be up for work in 3 hours I gave up and called in. Then puttered some more until I hit that point where my eyes were just barely open and the stupid video of someone's cat barking like a dog was blurring on the screen. When I laid down I still laid there for a long time before I did finally sleep. Alone. In a king size bed.

Being Alone

Unless something changes Saturday night will be the last time that Romero and I share a bed. He has asked me how I feel about all of this, but it is so hard to verbalize my feelings. Mostly I am feeling super alone. And scared because I can handle being alone with myself, but after 9 years or marriage the idea of being alone in that sense....well that terrifies me. But I know that I have to deal with it and move on. After all, its not as though I will have a ton of prospects for love or even sex living in the area I do. *sigh* Time to invest in some duracell stock....

Stuff

http://www.etsy.com/listing/92616521/rainbow-love-necklace

 I want that necklace!! It also comes as a ring which I would wear, but I really want the necklace. :)
It was made by the owner of the blog, Card Carrying Lesbian, who has a ton of cool jewelry in her etsy shop and seems like she would be a hell of a lot of fun. I've been reading her blog for a short time since I started this journey and it has definitely had some enlightening moments.

 I'm procrastinating on getting ready for work because I have a headache, but I know I gotta move sometime and soon...I am starting to look for a new job and am hopeful that things will work out. I'm waiting to hear back from one place that I just applied to and hoping that another place has an opening soon. It's a waiting game...

On My Mind

So I spent today again helping R with stuff for his apartment. His goal is to be moved by the end of this week and he is looking like he should meet it. Tomorrow I am going to be stocking his kitchen for him so he will have a good start on meals. It's a good thing I like going grocery shopping :)

I also just applied for a couple of jobs online that would put my years of retail hell to good use in either position. Hopefully one or both of them will get back to me and they will be something I am interested in doing or can afford to do depending on the pay. I really dislike wearing navy all the time.

I am feeling incredibly lonely and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am too much of a chickenshit to do anything about it and therefore I will be forever alone. Romero says that I don't give myself enough credit for the wonderful person that I am. I think he's crazy. I'm also struggling with feelings of being a failure. I mean, I know that I didn't wake up one morning and choose to be gay, but I did wake up and realize that I couldn't stay married to my husband because of it. Never mind that there are people out there who somehow do it. I don't know how they do.

I will be spending a lot of time in the coming days and weeks alone in my apartment and while its not exactly the Ritz I am going to be doing the best I can with my limited resources to get it looking kind of nice. I will be making curtains and cleaning the hell out of everything I can. Unfortunately, the carpet is worn and threadbare, the futon is old and busted, I won't have a TV for entertainment (not like I watch much, but it might be nice for if/when friends ever come over), and my walls are bare since I can't put nails in them. I really am feeling like this place is a shithole and that no one would ever want to date me or even hang out with me because of it. *sigh*

Yeah, I know this is a long rambling post that doesn't have much of a common thread, but its just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and honestly don't know when I will get a break from things. It has started to make my anxiety worse, which upsets my stomach, which is exacerbated by anything I eat, which means I'm sick to my stomach whether I eat or not, and being sick causes anxiety because I never know when its going to hit and I will be running for the nearest bathroom. And that anxiety plus stomach issues is just one more reason that no one would want to date me...

R