Randomata

God, I feel like I have ruined pretty much everything. A nine year marriage, my relationship with my in-laws, with my parents when I tell them, and I still feel super isolated because I don't have anyone to talk to that I think really understands. I have plenty of people who will lend sympathetic ears (hell, my husband is one of them), but that doesn't seem to be the same. And I want to tell people, just so things aren't hanging over me.

I also really want to have sex, but I can't have sex with my husband without freaking out and being all weird about it. Things were awkward before I told him I was gay and I had enough trouble then. Now that he knows it makes it that much harder. I don't think he realizes that a lot of my problems with our sex life in the months leading up to this stemmed from exactly this and it was easier not to have sex. When we did I really had to try very hard to relax and make any attempt at enjoying myself. And because I hadn't come out it was easier for me to deny it to myself and the world. Now that I have I can't deny it and that makes it hard for me to even attempt to enjoy sex right now. Nevermind that I kind of need to have a massive all out orgasm that is so hard it makes me cry uncontrollably and I cannot get that because I cannot relax enough to get to that point. And I can't have this conversation face to face with him and I know that he will probably read this. And, honey, please don't try to make me talk about it after you read it. You know I will just freak out and cry. I already feel like I've been a horrible wife to you and this makes it worse for me.

*sigh* I'm trying not to hate myself for feeling like I ruined so much by coming out, but its really hard. If there is anyone out there who stumbles across this who can tell me otherwise, please feel free.

R