I feel like my head is just spinning ceaselessly. The only time it stops is when I sleep and even then I can't sleep through the night. The way I keep seeing things is that I will either go my own way and be happy in the long run or I will stay in order to make everyone else happy. I know that's an oversimplification and that's it not fair. But given that my sexuality has always meant a lot to me and that it has always been a large part of me I'm stuck feeling like I would have to give that up in order to stay with my husband. I can't be with him and have a woman on the side. That's too messy and complicated and definitely fucks up my sense of fair play.
Completely unrelated...I am craving alcoholic drinks (so I can forget) and comfort foods from my childhood including Spaghettios, Ramen noodles (I had some of these and may have more...), and ice cream specifically Ben And Jerry's Dublin Mudslide or some Bluebell any flavor I could happen to stumble upon since I live very far outside of their distribution area. Sometimes I dream about Bluebell Ice Cream.
*sigh* I really don't know what to do, what my best plan should be. I know that I haven't been happy and that we have had troubles especially with communication. And in the last weeks we have talked more than we had in years prior to this all happening. And I feel like we're friends again. And that we will always be friends. Now I have to figure out if we can go back to being husband and wife with this giant shadow looming above me. And I simply don't know.
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