The Beginning

Some time ago I began to struggle with myself regarding a series of thoughts and feelings that had crawled into my brain and wouldn't go away. I don't really know what set off the train of thought. I'm still trying to figure it out. But I know that the first several times it came to mind I immediately dismissed it out of hand. I didn't see any way what I was thinking could even be possible. It did not make sense in my head. And I wasn't willing to do too much talking about it.

At any rate, the reason I thought I was going crazy was because I was (and am) a married woman. My husband is funny, kind, sweet, and genuinely one of the best people in my life. He is my best friend. With a wonderful husband like him how could I be having these thoughts? I started shutting myself down and pulling away from him trying to handle the stress and anxiety that raced through me all the time. Our sex life suffered, I turned into kind of a bitch, and neither of us knew what to do. Finally, he wanted answers, answers that I wasn't ready or prepared to give. But instead of being a smart adult and simply admitting to him that I was dealing with some stuff I freaked out, got anxious, and then lost my temper. Losing my temper was the catalyst for me to grow a pair and tell him what was going on.

After almost 9 years of marriage I dropped a figurative bomb on his head with a very simple two word sentence.

I'm gay. (He says that I told him, "I think I'm gay." I maintain that it happened the way I posted it here and since this is my blog....^_^)

And thus began a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, tears, long days and longer nights where neither of us slept and just a lot of craziness. I will be working thru bits and pieces of that here (posted as I recall them) as well as dealing with the fears and emotions that go along with coming to terms with my sexuality, my impending divorce, and anything and everything else I feel the need to address. I hope that if there is anyone else out there in the same situation as I am you will certainly feel free to say hello!!

R