Catching Up

After telling my husband we had a very tumultuous week and a half or so in which we tried to keep things as normal as possible between us. He was trying to process the information I had just dumped on him and I was trying to decide where to go from there. I was caught up in my own head, which made for some less than pretty moments and after a while we ended up in a giant fight that ended about 5am the morning after we had both gotten up at 5 am the day before. At this point because of the lack of sleep some of that is kind of fuzzy, but most of it isn't anything that I feel needs shared here. The fact that it happened and became a pretty good catalyst for change is enough.

We have been living together and sharing a bed. Essentially we are roommates with an odd living situation. We are still best friends, although we have (or I have) also caused damage to our friendship which we are repairing as well. He is learning to cook and we have discussed things like being alone and how we might handle them. I am struggling with how to tell my parents and with the knowledge that his parents are really hurt by everything and its my fault. I couldn't even talk to my mother in law for a good week after everything went down and I still haven't spoken to my father in law, but that's because of something he said that really upset me. Time heals all....right?

And now that you're pretty much up to speed I can move on to sharing current things and emotions that go on and how I'm handling them. One of the biggest right now is a feeling of isolation. I am a gay woman, married to a man, and basically no one knows. I can talk to my husband about how I feel and he will listen, but I want to talk to someone who has been through this coming out period who has felt the way I feel. Hell, I can't even describe how I feel other than alone and maybe that's enough. I dunno. I'm really having a hard time with conveying how I feel and what I feel and what I choose to show the world. So I'm blogging about it in hopes that it will give me some sort of clarity or insight. Or at least maybe lessen my anxiety about everything. And I do mean everything. It has been so bad that I will find myself getting anxious for no reason at all. Gotta love having an anxiety disorder....

R