Basics

So I've made no progress whatsoever regarding my last post and feel like I have no where to begin. I lack motivation to study theory and making the practical effort just sounds exhausting. I'm doing good to simply function most days without trying to add more to the list.

And rediscovering myself as a sexual being when I am so alone and so starved for the touch of another that getting myself off is all but impossible means that there's no sex of any kind for me. Wonderful. One more thing to break me. Being alone will kill me. Not the solitude but the lack of human connection. I don't feel like there's anyone in my life who would umderstand. And the one person that I *can* talk to...well being around them is so hard for me that I clam up and don't talk. I cease to be able to express myself.

My ex is a wonderful, amazing person who has so much more going for him than he knows. And I can see this. I can also see how my life is becoming merely an existence. I'm glad that he is finding his way but that doesn't make it easy to watch. Not when I feel as tho he (and everyone else) will eventually outpace me and I will be left behind.

Spending time with him is hard because of this but the ineloquence in my speech means that I would bungle the explanation of why I seem to be a bit distant sometimes and would only hurt him. I've hurt him enough. I won't do it again if I can help it. So I will just keep existing in my lonely bubble and keep struggling to stay afloat while everyone else slowly drifts away.

Faith, Spirituality, and Sex are all Connected

It just has occured to me that I spent a good portion of my high school years trying to find both my faith and my sexuality. One I found and the other I lost even though at one point they were very interconnected. Then I lost them both.

Now here I am, a decade out of high school and I feel as though I've made so many mistakes. But a decade isn't such a long time in the grand scheme of things and maybe I can find my way back. I'm going to reclaim who and what I am. It's going to be a long road, but this is what I need to do with myself. I need to go back to the fairy loving girl with a sense of wonder, who was a hippie minus the peace, love, and tie dye, and reconnect with Goddess and re-learn how sex can be magick. One single step at a time.

sink or swim

Apparently I can function well for a few days and then I just fall apart. One of the things that makes me fall apart is feeling like I have nothing left in my life to really look forward to and that I'm going to be stuck right where I'm at for the rest of my life. In a small town, working a dead-end job, alone. Mind you, this is a small town that I hate and that has AWFUL weather. I am NOT a snow loving kind of girl.

One of the things that I am having a hard time with is that I feel as though I am left with nothing. I'm not sure why, because I have an apartment and a car and food and I know that my life could be a hell of a lot worse now. I mean, I chose this for myself and therefore I have no one to blame, but myself. But in the middle of the night when I wake up so lonely it's just fucking hard. And it is made harder by the knowledge that Romero would drop whatever he was doing to come try and help me handle it, but I can't let him do that. There's something inside me that just refuses that help. I feel like I have to sink or swim on my own. And right now, I think I'm sinking.

Stronger

So I've been alternating between having panic attacks and not being home much between work and going out with friends because my friends know I brood if left alone too much. I'm very tired and am ready for some down time. I can't promise I won't brood a little, but I feel as though I may start functioning a bit better sometime soon.

My goals for the week include surviving tomorrow at work, doing the deep cleaning that I have been putting off, meeting with my landlady, getting my car inspected, getting the cable/internet/electric in my name, playing some roller derby, hanging with my girls, and getting more sleep and more exercise.

Longer term goals include a continued job hunt, more tattoos, piercings, and a potential scarification, more derby, and maybe a non-serious girlfriend...although that goal isn't one I necessarily expect to meet given my lack of confidence and living in a small town. *shrug* Maybe I will be surprised one day...in the meantime...I'm going to attempt to sleep. And maybe have dreams about pretty girls.

Time and More Time

Its been a few days and I'm still not sleeping terribly well. My morning headaches aren't going away and I don't think I've slept through the night since Saturday. I'm grumpy and miserable about not sleeping well. I'm also finding that I am more lonely than I thought I would be. I think that some of my loneliness stems from the fact that I don't go out and do things and I don't always feel like I have people I can talk to. Even though I know that I do have options. I'm trying very hard to take some time for myself. I know that I need it. But I feel as though I have no one that understands a lot of what I'm going through and that I have no where to turn for help.

Between that and the financial struggles that I may be facing (some of which have more to do with things I want than things I need) I stress myself out. Although I don't think feeling like I need to see my family is unreasonable. The trick, however, is coming up with airfare. Anyone wanna donate? lol Yeah right. No one even reads this but me. I keep telling myself that I will eventually meet my financial goals and that it will all work out in the long run, but right now when I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like I have no support system whatsoever it's hard to remember that.

Sleepless

Last night was my first night alone. I was up until almost 3AM basically just puttering around and goofing off on the Internets. As tired as I was I knew sleep wasn't going to come easy. So I stayed up until I just wore myself out completely. I ate Chinese food at 1AM...something I typically am not all about. Anytime after midnight and before noon has a tendency to be breakfast food. I listened to the silence and to my neighbors surround sound that I can just hear echoes of sometimes. When I realized that sleep wasn't coming and that I had to be up for work in 3 hours I gave up and called in. Then puttered some more until I hit that point where my eyes were just barely open and the stupid video of someone's cat barking like a dog was blurring on the screen. When I laid down I still laid there for a long time before I did finally sleep. Alone. In a king size bed.

Being Alone

Unless something changes Saturday night will be the last time that Romero and I share a bed. He has asked me how I feel about all of this, but it is so hard to verbalize my feelings. Mostly I am feeling super alone. And scared because I can handle being alone with myself, but after 9 years or marriage the idea of being alone in that sense....well that terrifies me. But I know that I have to deal with it and move on. After all, its not as though I will have a ton of prospects for love or even sex living in the area I do. *sigh* Time to invest in some duracell stock....

Stuff

http://www.etsy.com/listing/92616521/rainbow-love-necklace

 I want that necklace!! It also comes as a ring which I would wear, but I really want the necklace. :)
It was made by the owner of the blog, Card Carrying Lesbian, who has a ton of cool jewelry in her etsy shop and seems like she would be a hell of a lot of fun. I've been reading her blog for a short time since I started this journey and it has definitely had some enlightening moments.

 I'm procrastinating on getting ready for work because I have a headache, but I know I gotta move sometime and soon...I am starting to look for a new job and am hopeful that things will work out. I'm waiting to hear back from one place that I just applied to and hoping that another place has an opening soon. It's a waiting game...

On My Mind

So I spent today again helping R with stuff for his apartment. His goal is to be moved by the end of this week and he is looking like he should meet it. Tomorrow I am going to be stocking his kitchen for him so he will have a good start on meals. It's a good thing I like going grocery shopping :)

I also just applied for a couple of jobs online that would put my years of retail hell to good use in either position. Hopefully one or both of them will get back to me and they will be something I am interested in doing or can afford to do depending on the pay. I really dislike wearing navy all the time.

I am feeling incredibly lonely and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am too much of a chickenshit to do anything about it and therefore I will be forever alone. Romero says that I don't give myself enough credit for the wonderful person that I am. I think he's crazy. I'm also struggling with feelings of being a failure. I mean, I know that I didn't wake up one morning and choose to be gay, but I did wake up and realize that I couldn't stay married to my husband because of it. Never mind that there are people out there who somehow do it. I don't know how they do.

I will be spending a lot of time in the coming days and weeks alone in my apartment and while its not exactly the Ritz I am going to be doing the best I can with my limited resources to get it looking kind of nice. I will be making curtains and cleaning the hell out of everything I can. Unfortunately, the carpet is worn and threadbare, the futon is old and busted, I won't have a TV for entertainment (not like I watch much, but it might be nice for if/when friends ever come over), and my walls are bare since I can't put nails in them. I really am feeling like this place is a shithole and that no one would ever want to date me or even hang out with me because of it. *sigh*

Yeah, I know this is a long rambling post that doesn't have much of a common thread, but its just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and honestly don't know when I will get a break from things. It has started to make my anxiety worse, which upsets my stomach, which is exacerbated by anything I eat, which means I'm sick to my stomach whether I eat or not, and being sick causes anxiety because I never know when its going to hit and I will be running for the nearest bathroom. And that anxiety plus stomach issues is just one more reason that no one would want to date me...

R

Labels pt. deux

http://mayahuskee.deviantart.com/journal/Label-Me-Lesbian-A-Guide-to-Types-of-Lesbians-214218387


The above link is to a blog post that deals with labels within the lesbian community. After reading through it I definitely feel like that if I HAVE to apply a label to myself it would be that of a "Chapstick Lesbian". Since I generally have at least one tube of chapstick on me at any given time this is somewhat amusing to me. However, I am just butch enough that I like taking care of a girl...and this rule even applies to my female friends if need be. :)

In the long run, labels don't really matter one way or the other, but if people feel the need to give me one, well this is it. In semi-related news, I am considering sharing this blog with some of my friends if they happen to be curious about what I have been dealing with Since late March/early April. I will still probably go by Rain, but perhaps at some point I do a "proper" About Me" post or page. Maybe then I won't feel so invisible.

R

Time marches on

So I have been doing my best to take the major changes in my life in stride. I'm not upset about things. I'm not jealous because my husband is moving on with his life and I want him to be happy. I am a bit sad as this period comes to an end and I think the first night or two alone might be hard. But in the end that's how life goes sometimes. Everything changes and time marches on. Now if a pretty girl marched her way into my bed I would be ok with that....except that it has been so long that I dunno if I remember how with another woman...I would ask if anyone wanted to give me lessons but I don't think I have an audience. Please say hello if I do. :)

R

Coming out

So after spending a good hour texting a friend to get my courage up and hoping that my mom wouldn't answer my text I finally talked to her and my dad this afternoon. And their reaction was so anti-climactic that I'm left wondering if they have known all along...even when I didn't. They asked the standard questions about future plans, how Romero is doing, if I will ever consider adoption (no Mom...), etc, etc.

But not even once did they appear to be surprised. I didn't get any questions about how did I know, although I did get an are you sure and when I said that I was they left it at that. We talked about how other family members may react and my mom basically said that if anyone has a problem then too damn bad for them. And I know my dad wouldn't tolerate anyone talking shit about me. What it boiled down to is that I'm their daughter and this is my life and whatever choices I make they will support me.

And this is what I have spent the last month or more freaking out about. Stupid anxiety...

R