Acceptance

It's coming on midnight and I've worked all day. I was standing in the kitchen with my dragonfly bandaged and frying up some paneer for a snack (I didn't know how delicious this stuff was and I want to just make my own so I don't have to buy it anymore!!) when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that I can wander about in nothing or next to nothing for clothing and I indulge myself frequently...why not?

I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)

At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.

R

scars and life

Life has been up and down and backwards and sleepless and just generally all over it seems lately. But really it has simply been one crazy stunt that was actually planned that seems to have taken up so much. I worked Monday, got out of work, and prepared to enjoy some time off. The plan for Tuesday night was for me to undergo a procedure called scarification and a good friend stopped by to see how a job interview had gone and how I was holding up waiting for my appointment.. All was going pretty well until my ex unexpectedly showed up. We hung out and chatted and things were fine until he asked me to walk him out to his car. I did and that's where things got crazy. We got into this discussion about us and how he felt like I was avoiding him and how I've struggled to be friends with him and a lot of stuff. It wasn't pretty and out of respect for him I won't be including a ton of details, but it shook me a bit. And given that I was going to be doing some SERIOUS body modding later that night I needed to be much calmer. That's where my friend comes in (said friend will probably need a good name, but I haven't come up with one just yet...) and did what was needed for me to calm down, which included feeding me DELICIOUS pizza and being patient enough to wait while my dragonfly was done and then make sure I got home safely.

The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!

OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.

And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.

R

Losing

I have really good days. I also have mediocre days. And I have bad days. Today has been one of those days where I'm not sure where it will end up. Right now I am just overwhelmed and a bit lonely. OK. A lot lonely. I have so much to do and I'm not doing any of it and I have so many bills that I can't pay. Things are quickly becoming a struggle for me financially and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to everything.

I'm afraid of losing it all. But I'm also feeling fairly certain that that is exactly where I'm heading and in pretty short order. It scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to do terrible things so I can forget, for a while, where things are going. But I know that's not good idea for me. Not short term OR long term. Maybe, if I can hold on a little longer things will change, but I don't know if I can see it happening. All I see in my future is bleak disaster.

Moments

Be who you are in this moment. Be in this moment and accept it for what it is. Learn from it and remember it for it will pass too soon. Enjoy the next moment as it comes, but do not rush them. Live in the moment.

Moving Forward and Back and Foward

So I play a team sport and I consider myself an athlete. Definitely not a pro and not even a good amateur, but what I do does require some skill and coordination on an athletic level. I can do it and sometimes I even feel like I do it well.

However, since everything went down in my life I have REALLY become an exercise slacker. I wasn't great at it before but I've got worse in recent months. As I'm slowly trying to recover a sense of self and who I am and want to be I am feeling as though I need to get back to exercising more than just at team practices. So i am. And holy crap do I feel out of shape after a twenty minute workout consisting of a series of various types of crunches, leg lifts, push ups, modified planking, and squats. There was a time that doing 3 or 4 sets of 30 squats at a time was not unheard of for me. My total overall for today's workout : 50. I have gotten off track for sure and I'm gonna get it back. I have some workout DVDs that I will be doing and I am hoping I can get my hands on a copy of Insanity. Clearly it is going to kick my ass, but I think I need my ass kicked and I think it will do me good. Even if I have to start at the beginning and do it over and over until I feel like I can move on it will do me good.

I will probably NEVER have the body of one of the Williams sisters or any of the Olympic gymnasts out there, but I will have a body that I am happy with and can accept. And with any luck...getting into better shape will help me be more accepting of the imperfections that I cannot change. Now I'm off to clean house and if the mood strikes maybe I will throw in a few more reps. :) Here's to taking as many steps forward as I can without backsliding, but knowing that if I take three steps forward and two steps back I can always keep moving forward.

R

The Perfection of Imperfection

Ugh. The lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I'm kind of a hot mess. But I'm functional and the tiredness gives me a strange sense of clarity that I don't normally have. I've been struggling a lot with feeling as though I have no potential and seeing myself as the ugly duckling (for lack of a better term). I'm trying to deal with these things and find ways to simply better myself overall.

Unrelated note: Thank goodness for red squiggly lines that appear under my typos...I have lots of them tonight. lol

It was pointed out to me that, despite my fears, if I get to the point in a relationship with someone that they are seeing me without clothes on they are probably not going to be nearly as concerned with my flaws (perceived or otherwise) as I am. This is probably true, but I'm at a point in my life where I magnify the tiniest things and obsess over them. Mostly because there are times when I simply don't know what else to do. I am taking things day by day and moment by moment because I am finding it difficult to do almost anything else.

My coping mechanisms are strange and screwed up and unless I start doing unhealthy things they are not things I can use right now. So I muddle through and try to ignore the whispered voices in my head. And this is incredibly disjointed which fits because that's how I feel right now. I will be glad when the dissonance inside my head settles down and finds a rhythm.

R

One of the things that I'm finding I miss the most is intimacy. Not sex or fucking or screwing around, but simple intimacy. I miss someone to hold me when I've had a bad day or being able to cuddle with them on a cold night or just sharing a touch as we pass in the hallway.

I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.

I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.

Tids and Bits

I spent my weekend either working or playing roller derby and now I'm just trying to get caught up on sleep and see what the coming week holds. Took an elbow to the face and I think a teammate has decided that it is her job to fix me up. Except that she seems quite willing to fix me up with anyone I find attractive. Since I'm not really up for any serious dating and I'm pretty happy to just check out the eye candy I have a feeling this could get....awkward at the least.

I talked to my dad tonight and I'm very grateful that thing aren't weird between me and my parents. They seem pretty much unfazed by my coming out. So do the majority of my friends and the co-workers that know. Since I work in a place where often the rumor mill is worse than your typical high school I'm grateful for the small things like this. I'm not really hiding, but I don't feel the need to completely announce my sexual preference to everyone. Well, OK not all the time anyway...and last night I actually had to tell a guy that I'm gay so he would stop hitting on me. Granted, I'm not sure he believed me, but I don't care as long as he backs off.

And I think I'm going to be getting a scarification piece done!!! My favorite tattoo artist has been training for it and I volunteered to be a practice guinea pig cause...well cause why not!! I've been interested in getting the work done for a long time and I trust Almighty to take care of me. So I will have a dragonfly sometime. Can't wait!!!! And I think that's all the stuff I randomly feel the need to share right now. More later either of fluff like this or of whatever angst has manged to worm its way forth.

R