Nothing exciting

Life has been pretty quiet and normal. We had a conversation that other night that has really opened my eyes to the knowledge that I am a relatively selfish, unthinking person and because I have tried to be better than that it kind of sucks to find out how terrible I am being. My only comfort, small as it is, is that I don't willfully treat people this way. I just don't think about my actions as well as I should I guess.

I'm pretty convinced that once everything comes to an end here that I will be alone for a good while, maybe forever at this point. I can't see why anyone would want to get involved with me and stay involved once they see how shitty I can be.

Also, that person who won't let things go and is always talking about how they don't want Romero and I to split is doing it again. Needs to stop. Cutting off contact with this person is super hard because they are pretty close and I don't want to hurt them any worse than they are already hurting because of this. But I'm starting to feel like I'm not sure how to handle it. Every time we talk I only leave the conversation feeling like a terrible, horrible, piece of shit person.

I still haven't told my parents. Not sure when I'm going to. I want to do it soon and just get it out there, but I'm really struggling with how and when. How because the words are hard and when because I want to tell them at the same time, but between my schedule and my mom's schedule, plus the time difference in our location I keep not finding a good time. And yes, I know that I am kind of using those things to procrastinate because it is hard. Also, I want to be alone when I tell them and because of work schedules Romero and I are home together more often than we had been in the last few months. It's been a bit weird sometimes.

And now that I've vented and don't feel any better, I'm going to put my headphones on and go clean house. Maybe clearing some physical clutter will help clear some mental clutter. But I doubt it.

R