Nothing exciting

Life has been pretty quiet and normal. We had a conversation that other night that has really opened my eyes to the knowledge that I am a relatively selfish, unthinking person and because I have tried to be better than that it kind of sucks to find out how terrible I am being. My only comfort, small as it is, is that I don't willfully treat people this way. I just don't think about my actions as well as I should I guess.

I'm pretty convinced that once everything comes to an end here that I will be alone for a good while, maybe forever at this point. I can't see why anyone would want to get involved with me and stay involved once they see how shitty I can be.

Also, that person who won't let things go and is always talking about how they don't want Romero and I to split is doing it again. Needs to stop. Cutting off contact with this person is super hard because they are pretty close and I don't want to hurt them any worse than they are already hurting because of this. But I'm starting to feel like I'm not sure how to handle it. Every time we talk I only leave the conversation feeling like a terrible, horrible, piece of shit person.

I still haven't told my parents. Not sure when I'm going to. I want to do it soon and just get it out there, but I'm really struggling with how and when. How because the words are hard and when because I want to tell them at the same time, but between my schedule and my mom's schedule, plus the time difference in our location I keep not finding a good time. And yes, I know that I am kind of using those things to procrastinate because it is hard. Also, I want to be alone when I tell them and because of work schedules Romero and I are home together more often than we had been in the last few months. It's been a bit weird sometimes.

And now that I've vented and don't feel any better, I'm going to put my headphones on and go clean house. Maybe clearing some physical clutter will help clear some mental clutter. But I doubt it.

R

Late than Never

I am super stressed about pretty much everything lately. I'm going thru a period where everything is getting to me and I'm feeling pretty strung out about things that I don't necessarily have any control over. There's no rush for me to get anything done, no real push has been made for things to change from their current state, but I keep feeling like I'm stuck in limbo. I am getting some pressure from an outside source who knows the deal and because I know this person pretty well I'm going to say with a lot of certainty that they don't realize that they are pressuring me. They just don't want to see things change and I can understand that.

But I made a decision several weeks ago (3/31/12 to be exact) and that decision still hasn't changed. However, having made the decision hasn't made things any easier for me because of the pressure for things to stay the same and because I have always been one to try and put others first when it comes to some things. A big thing like this that will affect a group of people outside of my self definitely makes me second guess myself because I am causing other people to be unhappy. And that is a burden that is really hard for me to bear.

Add to that the fact that my my sense of humor is basically gone and I take everything super serious right now so Romero can't joke with me about anything without me getting kinda freaked out and taking it wrong. That puts a strain between us as does the way I act. He has pointed out that I act differently towards him when there are people around versus when we are alone and I struggle to see it.


The above was written and saved as a draft several days ago. It is unfinished and I've opted to post it mostly because that was how I felt at the time of writing the post which was late in the evening after I had worked all day long. Also, if I am going to keep a record of how I feel and what I think etc. in this time then I may as well post it.

R 

Bits and Pieces

I spent most of the evening last night being super anxious after getting off the phone with my mom. It really made my workout harder since I play a team sport and was having trouble focusing at practice. Lucky me my teammates are all pretty understanding and encourage me to push and not get bogged down. Things ended on a good note I think.
Also I hink rather than trying to tell both parents at the same time I may have to tell my dad first. I feel like he will be far less likely to freak out and can help me break this to my mom in a way that she can handle it. Of course...telling my dad still scares the living shit out of me. Can't win on that front.
And completely unrelated to the rest of this post my husband (who I think has seen the comment about his new moniker and has said that he hates the name George so I'm editing the original post and this one to change his name to Romero..still after a favored director...lol) Romero made me a crazy good omelette for breakfast this morning. I'm super full. And I'm not super freaked out by his cooking for me. Not at all. But I am still full...nap time..
R

Coming out

So, since I'm still at a point where I am trying to figure things in my life out and all that...jazz...(Theater geek moment...LOL) there are many people who do not know what is going on. The majority of my family included. Today also happens to be my mother's birthday. I don't talk to her often, but I definitely made sure I called today. And we talked about her garden and her job and the baby boom that does NOT include me, thankfully.

We didn't talk about this. She doesn't know that her only daughter, her only child is gay. I don't know how to tell her when the time comes. I don't know how to tell either of my parents. I don't live close to them so I can't sit down and tell them face to face...well at least not without a plane ticket and some time off work, neither of which I can afford right now. And I know that I can't just avoid telling them forever. I don't even know how they will take it, what they might say or do. Despite not having a terribly close relationship with them, this is hard and it fucking sucks. I'm so wound up and anxious about it that I'm starting to cry. I'm tired of crying. So I'm going to stop. Right now.

But I still have no idea how to come out to my parents. I'm not even worried about some of the more ultra-conservative members of my family...they are going to flip shit anyway and I already know that. So whatever. But my parents are my parents and I have no idea how they are going to react. I do have an aunt who knows and she seems to think that they will be fine with it. Maybe not at first because it will come as a HUGE HUGE HUGE shock to them, but with time...and maybe a few drinks...lol I hope she's right. Part of me thinks she is, but there's another part of me that is terrified she's not. Oh well...there's no sense in driving myself too crazy over it. I won't know how things are gonna go until I tell them. And I don't know when I will be ready for that.

R

Fears

Being at this point in my life there are a lot of different thing to contend with. Fear is one of them. And one of the things that scares me most is sex. I haven't had sex with a woman in years. I'm not sure if I remember how to do it.
While I'm not at a point of dating and don't expect to be at that point anytime soon this is something that still just bugs the crap outta me. I keep asking myself what happens if I freak out or do something wrong or or or....there is a whole list.of questions and issues there. Scary.....
This isn't the only fear I'm dealing with (clearly) but this one is on my mind today for some inexplicable reason. Hopefully when the time eventually comes I won't be too anxious or worried or scared. Maybe it will be like riding a bike...lol
R

Thoughts

Long day at work. Glad its over. Still struggling with the idea of being alone. What if there's no one else out there? I mean, it seems pretty logical that everyone has many people that could love them given the world's population, but I worry about never meeting the "right" person.

I mean what makes me so much more special than anyone else? Why should someone want to spend their time with me? What can I offer? Asking myself these questions only makes my anxiety worse. So I try not to dwell on it. But its hard especially after you've been with someone for years and are facing the prospect of eventually trying to date again. Scary stuff.

Also, trying to live alone and afford all of the basic things like rent and bills and whatnot is terrifying...especially because of the economy and only having a part-time job. Even with a full-time job I think I would struggle. But I guess the only thing I can do is keep my head up and take things as they come. And keep looking for a job...

R

Fluff

Mundanity seems to be a good word for today. I'm off work and spent some time with hubby...I need a good name for him so I don't have to keep referring to him as just "hubby." In light of his interest in horror and zombie movies maybe I'll go with the moniker Romero after a popular director he enjoys. IDK. At any rate in addition to spending a quiet morning watching Star Trek I got my grocery shopping done. Finding habanero peppers for hot sauce might have been the highlight of the trip since I live in an area where they aren't always readily available.

I'm still not feeling any closer to a decision, but right now my head isn't actually spinning as hard about everything. Granted, I have a ton of other stuff on my mind as well...much of it relating to my body issues which are their own mess entirely. But they are getting better with time.

My identification as gay hasn't changed since this all came out into the open and I don't think I can put it back, no matter what I choose to do. It's still part of who I am. And I have to come to terms with that no matter how hard it is, no matter how much I sometimes wish otherwise.

R

You Spin ME Right Round...

I feel like my head is just spinning ceaselessly. The only time it stops is when I sleep and even then I can't sleep through the night. The way I keep seeing things is that I will either go my own way and be happy in the long run or I will stay in order to make everyone else happy. I know that's an oversimplification and that's it not fair. But given that my sexuality has always meant a lot to me and that it has always been a large part of me I'm stuck feeling like I would have to give that up in order to stay with my husband. I can't be with him and have a woman on the side. That's too messy and complicated and definitely fucks up my sense of fair play.

Completely unrelated...I am craving alcoholic drinks (so I can forget) and comfort foods from my childhood including Spaghettios, Ramen noodles (I had some of these and may have more...), and ice cream specifically Ben And Jerry's Dublin Mudslide or some Bluebell any flavor I could happen to stumble upon since I live very far outside of their distribution area. Sometimes I dream about Bluebell Ice Cream.

*sigh* I really don't know what to do, what my best plan should be. I know that I haven't been happy and that we have had troubles especially with communication. And in the last weeks we have talked more than we had in years prior to this all happening. And I feel like we're friends again. And that we will always be friends. Now I have to figure out if we can go back to being husband and wife with this giant shadow looming above me. And I simply don't know.

Words

There is a small group of my friends who know what is going on in my life lately and today one of them made a comment about another person we sometimes encounter and used the term "faggot". Instantly she got super quiet and realized that she might have offended me. While I don't particularly advocate the use of such terms it doesn't really bother me. Granted, that may change, but it never has so far and I'm going to stick with that for now. A second friend immediately jumps in and tries to smooth things over with a comment about how maybe we shouldn't use that language and whatnot and while I appreciate her willingness to say hey that's not cool I was pretty amused at the entire thing. So I turned back to the first person and laughing told her the person we had been talking about was a homo and kept going. I didn't do it for any reason other than to show my friends that crap like that isn't going to bother me (I still don't like the person being discussed) and I'm only sharing it here because I found it somewhat amusing. Maybe the first time someone other than a good friend calls me a homo to my face I will be more upset about it, but words are words and can only hurt us if we let them.

R

Randomata

God, I feel like I have ruined pretty much everything. A nine year marriage, my relationship with my in-laws, with my parents when I tell them, and I still feel super isolated because I don't have anyone to talk to that I think really understands. I have plenty of people who will lend sympathetic ears (hell, my husband is one of them), but that doesn't seem to be the same. And I want to tell people, just so things aren't hanging over me.

I also really want to have sex, but I can't have sex with my husband without freaking out and being all weird about it. Things were awkward before I told him I was gay and I had enough trouble then. Now that he knows it makes it that much harder. I don't think he realizes that a lot of my problems with our sex life in the months leading up to this stemmed from exactly this and it was easier not to have sex. When we did I really had to try very hard to relax and make any attempt at enjoying myself. And because I hadn't come out it was easier for me to deny it to myself and the world. Now that I have I can't deny it and that makes it hard for me to even attempt to enjoy sex right now. Nevermind that I kind of need to have a massive all out orgasm that is so hard it makes me cry uncontrollably and I cannot get that because I cannot relax enough to get to that point. And I can't have this conversation face to face with him and I know that he will probably read this. And, honey, please don't try to make me talk about it after you read it. You know I will just freak out and cry. I already feel like I've been a horrible wife to you and this makes it worse for me.

*sigh* I'm trying not to hate myself for feeling like I ruined so much by coming out, but its really hard. If there is anyone out there who stumbles across this who can tell me otherwise, please feel free.

R

Catching Up

After telling my husband we had a very tumultuous week and a half or so in which we tried to keep things as normal as possible between us. He was trying to process the information I had just dumped on him and I was trying to decide where to go from there. I was caught up in my own head, which made for some less than pretty moments and after a while we ended up in a giant fight that ended about 5am the morning after we had both gotten up at 5 am the day before. At this point because of the lack of sleep some of that is kind of fuzzy, but most of it isn't anything that I feel needs shared here. The fact that it happened and became a pretty good catalyst for change is enough.

We have been living together and sharing a bed. Essentially we are roommates with an odd living situation. We are still best friends, although we have (or I have) also caused damage to our friendship which we are repairing as well. He is learning to cook and we have discussed things like being alone and how we might handle them. I am struggling with how to tell my parents and with the knowledge that his parents are really hurt by everything and its my fault. I couldn't even talk to my mother in law for a good week after everything went down and I still haven't spoken to my father in law, but that's because of something he said that really upset me. Time heals all....right?

And now that you're pretty much up to speed I can move on to sharing current things and emotions that go on and how I'm handling them. One of the biggest right now is a feeling of isolation. I am a gay woman, married to a man, and basically no one knows. I can talk to my husband about how I feel and he will listen, but I want to talk to someone who has been through this coming out period who has felt the way I feel. Hell, I can't even describe how I feel other than alone and maybe that's enough. I dunno. I'm really having a hard time with conveying how I feel and what I feel and what I choose to show the world. So I'm blogging about it in hopes that it will give me some sort of clarity or insight. Or at least maybe lessen my anxiety about everything. And I do mean everything. It has been so bad that I will find myself getting anxious for no reason at all. Gotta love having an anxiety disorder....

R

The Beginning

Some time ago I began to struggle with myself regarding a series of thoughts and feelings that had crawled into my brain and wouldn't go away. I don't really know what set off the train of thought. I'm still trying to figure it out. But I know that the first several times it came to mind I immediately dismissed it out of hand. I didn't see any way what I was thinking could even be possible. It did not make sense in my head. And I wasn't willing to do too much talking about it.

At any rate, the reason I thought I was going crazy was because I was (and am) a married woman. My husband is funny, kind, sweet, and genuinely one of the best people in my life. He is my best friend. With a wonderful husband like him how could I be having these thoughts? I started shutting myself down and pulling away from him trying to handle the stress and anxiety that raced through me all the time. Our sex life suffered, I turned into kind of a bitch, and neither of us knew what to do. Finally, he wanted answers, answers that I wasn't ready or prepared to give. But instead of being a smart adult and simply admitting to him that I was dealing with some stuff I freaked out, got anxious, and then lost my temper. Losing my temper was the catalyst for me to grow a pair and tell him what was going on.

After almost 9 years of marriage I dropped a figurative bomb on his head with a very simple two word sentence.

I'm gay. (He says that I told him, "I think I'm gay." I maintain that it happened the way I posted it here and since this is my blog....^_^)

And thus began a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, tears, long days and longer nights where neither of us slept and just a lot of craziness. I will be working thru bits and pieces of that here (posted as I recall them) as well as dealing with the fears and emotions that go along with coming to terms with my sexuality, my impending divorce, and anything and everything else I feel the need to address. I hope that if there is anyone else out there in the same situation as I am you will certainly feel free to say hello!!

R

Welcome

Recently I have embarked on a journey of self that has changed my life. A journey so difficult and so seemingly surreal at first that I honestly thought I was going a bit crazy. Because I am still dealing with things that I feel the need to keep from friends and family this blog will remain anonymous for the time being, but I do hope that eventually I can go public with it and share my story. Until then you can just call me Rain.