Labels pt. deux

http://mayahuskee.deviantart.com/journal/Label-Me-Lesbian-A-Guide-to-Types-of-Lesbians-214218387


The above link is to a blog post that deals with labels within the lesbian community. After reading through it I definitely feel like that if I HAVE to apply a label to myself it would be that of a "Chapstick Lesbian". Since I generally have at least one tube of chapstick on me at any given time this is somewhat amusing to me. However, I am just butch enough that I like taking care of a girl...and this rule even applies to my female friends if need be. :)

In the long run, labels don't really matter one way or the other, but if people feel the need to give me one, well this is it. In semi-related news, I am considering sharing this blog with some of my friends if they happen to be curious about what I have been dealing with Since late March/early April. I will still probably go by Rain, but perhaps at some point I do a "proper" About Me" post or page. Maybe then I won't feel so invisible.

R

Coming Out Labels

So I talked to my Dad on the phone today. Now I'm chatting with my Mom on Facebook. They still don't know. I totally bailed on telling Dad. And I don't think I want to tell Mom over IM. Not sure how much longer I can go without just breaking down though. And I really want it to be a serious conversation not some tear fest freak out. Although I did mention to her that there had been some drama that I'm dealing with and that should give her some idea that there's SOMETHING going on. She didn't push for details and I wasn't going there so that's that...

In other news I've spent a bit of time today browsing some other blogs that are geared towards the gay and lesbian community. One of the things that I see mentioned a LOT is labels. Queer, gay, dyke, butch, femme, lipstick lesbian, etc, etc. I'm not a big label person, but for the sake of my own curiosity I wouldn't mind knowing where exactly I would fall in these categories. But honestly, I don't feel like I can be pinned into any certain one. I mean, I'm tall and relatively heavy with a build that is something like a linebacker with an hourglass (think broad shoulders, but curves), I have short hair, several piercings, and play roller derby. I also am a fan of make-up and cute shoes just as much as I am a fan of jeans, a t-shirt, and my Chuck's. I've been known to hunt and fish, I love to cook and bake and do crafty things like knit and cross stitch. I''m not sure I fit within the defined parameters of any label I know of. Granted, those parameters can probably also be rather flexible. Anyone out there have any input?

Words

There is a small group of my friends who know what is going on in my life lately and today one of them made a comment about another person we sometimes encounter and used the term "faggot". Instantly she got super quiet and realized that she might have offended me. While I don't particularly advocate the use of such terms it doesn't really bother me. Granted, that may change, but it never has so far and I'm going to stick with that for now. A second friend immediately jumps in and tries to smooth things over with a comment about how maybe we shouldn't use that language and whatnot and while I appreciate her willingness to say hey that's not cool I was pretty amused at the entire thing. So I turned back to the first person and laughing told her the person we had been talking about was a homo and kept going. I didn't do it for any reason other than to show my friends that crap like that isn't going to bother me (I still don't like the person being discussed) and I'm only sharing it here because I found it somewhat amusing. Maybe the first time someone other than a good friend calls me a homo to my face I will be more upset about it, but words are words and can only hurt us if we let them.

R

Randomata

God, I feel like I have ruined pretty much everything. A nine year marriage, my relationship with my in-laws, with my parents when I tell them, and I still feel super isolated because I don't have anyone to talk to that I think really understands. I have plenty of people who will lend sympathetic ears (hell, my husband is one of them), but that doesn't seem to be the same. And I want to tell people, just so things aren't hanging over me.

I also really want to have sex, but I can't have sex with my husband without freaking out and being all weird about it. Things were awkward before I told him I was gay and I had enough trouble then. Now that he knows it makes it that much harder. I don't think he realizes that a lot of my problems with our sex life in the months leading up to this stemmed from exactly this and it was easier not to have sex. When we did I really had to try very hard to relax and make any attempt at enjoying myself. And because I hadn't come out it was easier for me to deny it to myself and the world. Now that I have I can't deny it and that makes it hard for me to even attempt to enjoy sex right now. Nevermind that I kind of need to have a massive all out orgasm that is so hard it makes me cry uncontrollably and I cannot get that because I cannot relax enough to get to that point. And I can't have this conversation face to face with him and I know that he will probably read this. And, honey, please don't try to make me talk about it after you read it. You know I will just freak out and cry. I already feel like I've been a horrible wife to you and this makes it worse for me.

*sigh* I'm trying not to hate myself for feeling like I ruined so much by coming out, but its really hard. If there is anyone out there who stumbles across this who can tell me otherwise, please feel free.

R