I rediscovered this, something I had forgotten I'd written, tonight. And reading back through it was just a plethora of stuff that brought back strange memories and stranger times and some things that I hadn't known before became glaringly obvious to me when I look back at them with several years of distance. Notably was some of the interactions between my ex and I (we no longer speak) and how awful and miserable they really were for me, but I was used to it and probably ,by then, expected it. It was normal for me, although I was assured by several people close to me who knew at least part of my story that it wasn't in any way normal or acceptable. And it has taken me a long time to even begin to start finding myself in all of the mess I had been through. I read myself on one entry and could clearly now point out that I was in the midst of a manic fit, though at the time of the writing I hadn't yet been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. At this point I am working on stability with my partner and just trying to keep pushing forward through life. Maybe I'll write here some more, maybe I won't, but I like having at least something to look back on to what was a very tumultuous time in my life because even with all the bad that was happening, especially in my first entries, it lets me now appreciate the good that I have in my life. And I'm trying to find more good things all the time because I never want to be the person that I was when I started writing here. Growth is a good thing, right?
R
Monday, January 28, 2019
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Long overdue...
In the last year and a half I have solidified my relationship with the person that I was seeing in January of 2013 and we are going on two years in a couple of months. I have struggled with severe mental illness and I have stepped back from playing roller derby. I have also gained a significant amount of weight and have been trying to deal with how that has impacted me and my self esteem.
Finally, I feel like I am at a place where I am starting to like and maybe even love the person I am becoming. I have a regular course of meds that I take for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), and PTSD brought on by the decade long abusive relationship that I was in prior to my divorce. My current partner loves me despite my flaws 9that he doesn't even seem to see sometimes), frequently tells me that I am wonderful or beautiful, and we have continued to find peace with our very different sexual orientations. And now I am coaching roller derby instead of playing and it is something that I really enjoy. I would rather be playing (of course) and I have been getting back on my skates so that gives me some hope that eventually I will turn left and hit bitches once again. And I know that getting back in shape for derby and playing derby will help me lose weight so I am trying not to stress over my weight too much. I have not however been gymming it up because of 50 work weeks. That plus derby is a lot and while I am able to do it and have kept up with it for a bit now, I haven't added in the gym yet because I want to make sure that I can keep myself together and not get overwhelmed by everything in my life. I have learned that sometimes I need to and I have to choose to take care of myself first. And sometimes that means not going out (even to the gym) and I will miss out on things, but my mental health and being able to stay stable are far important than trying to experience everything and burning myself out.
So much has happened that I honestly do not think I can write it all down to chronicle things, but my life is getting better. I still struggle with my reactions towards things like loud exclamations of emotion coming from my SO even when they aren't directed at me It was pointed out to me recently that for out first 6 months together (we moved in together after roughly a month) he had to self censor quite a bit because any out of band reactions like frustrations at a video game or whatnot would cause me to shrink back and sometimes even panic because my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that I expected to be blamed for everything and I was terrified. Now I can generally perceive that those frustrations are not directed at me nor are they my fault. I still tend to jump if I am nearby; we were both in the kitchen recently and he burnt himself while holding a knife. The result was a cry of pain and his reaction to having the knife was to stab it point first very hard (and loudly) into the cutting board because that kept him from throwing it as a reaction to pain of having burnt himself. I was absolutely shaking in fear and the reaction was so automatic that I couldn't do anything else. But after a moment for me to realize that he wasn't upset at me, he wasn't hurt, I wasn't hurt, and that everything was OK thins were better. I got a hug and calmed down quickly. There was a time when that would have sent me crying in the other room for probably a half an hour. So progress. And not just in that area.
I have become more comfortable with my own sexuality and with talking to my SO about what I want and/or need to be satisfied and happy. We hit a rough patch not long ago and things got really weird one night and caused a definite disconnect. It left both of us feeling upset and made me feel very alone for a bit. But we talked about it several times over the course of probably a week and were able to work through the problem. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to have such serious conversations for more than a few minutes without crying and being unable to keep talking. We spent most of a Saturday talking not long ago. And we both feel that it has made us closer to have talked about it and we will keep talking because the disparities between us mean that we have to keep talking. It is getting easier too and that makes me happy.
I don't know how often I will write here honestly, but I wanted to provide an update just because it feels good to realize and make note of the progress I have made. Here's to the future...
R
Finally, I feel like I am at a place where I am starting to like and maybe even love the person I am becoming. I have a regular course of meds that I take for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), and PTSD brought on by the decade long abusive relationship that I was in prior to my divorce. My current partner loves me despite my flaws 9that he doesn't even seem to see sometimes), frequently tells me that I am wonderful or beautiful, and we have continued to find peace with our very different sexual orientations. And now I am coaching roller derby instead of playing and it is something that I really enjoy. I would rather be playing (of course) and I have been getting back on my skates so that gives me some hope that eventually I will turn left and hit bitches once again. And I know that getting back in shape for derby and playing derby will help me lose weight so I am trying not to stress over my weight too much. I have not however been gymming it up because of 50 work weeks. That plus derby is a lot and while I am able to do it and have kept up with it for a bit now, I haven't added in the gym yet because I want to make sure that I can keep myself together and not get overwhelmed by everything in my life. I have learned that sometimes I need to and I have to choose to take care of myself first. And sometimes that means not going out (even to the gym) and I will miss out on things, but my mental health and being able to stay stable are far important than trying to experience everything and burning myself out.
So much has happened that I honestly do not think I can write it all down to chronicle things, but my life is getting better. I still struggle with my reactions towards things like loud exclamations of emotion coming from my SO even when they aren't directed at me It was pointed out to me recently that for out first 6 months together (we moved in together after roughly a month) he had to self censor quite a bit because any out of band reactions like frustrations at a video game or whatnot would cause me to shrink back and sometimes even panic because my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that I expected to be blamed for everything and I was terrified. Now I can generally perceive that those frustrations are not directed at me nor are they my fault. I still tend to jump if I am nearby; we were both in the kitchen recently and he burnt himself while holding a knife. The result was a cry of pain and his reaction to having the knife was to stab it point first very hard (and loudly) into the cutting board because that kept him from throwing it as a reaction to pain of having burnt himself. I was absolutely shaking in fear and the reaction was so automatic that I couldn't do anything else. But after a moment for me to realize that he wasn't upset at me, he wasn't hurt, I wasn't hurt, and that everything was OK thins were better. I got a hug and calmed down quickly. There was a time when that would have sent me crying in the other room for probably a half an hour. So progress. And not just in that area.
I have become more comfortable with my own sexuality and with talking to my SO about what I want and/or need to be satisfied and happy. We hit a rough patch not long ago and things got really weird one night and caused a definite disconnect. It left both of us feeling upset and made me feel very alone for a bit. But we talked about it several times over the course of probably a week and were able to work through the problem. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to have such serious conversations for more than a few minutes without crying and being unable to keep talking. We spent most of a Saturday talking not long ago. And we both feel that it has made us closer to have talked about it and we will keep talking because the disparities between us mean that we have to keep talking. It is getting easier too and that makes me happy.
I don't know how often I will write here honestly, but I wanted to provide an update just because it feels good to realize and make note of the progress I have made. Here's to the future...
R
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sexuality and Relationships
It is very common for two (or more) people in a relationship to have identical or similar sexual mores, ideas, tastes, and values. And sharing the same basic ideas of what sex is and should be can certainly make a relationship easier. But that's not the case for every couple out there. And it can be done and they can make it work. At one point last summer I was identifying as a lesbian, but found myself falling in love with someone who did NOT identify as a lesbian at all. It made for an unusual situation for me at the time, but as I allowed things to progress I realized that I was growing and changing and that the label of lesbian was not the best fit. Now I've decided that the labels just don't matter. But I will use them simply because it makes for clearer context in my writing.
See...here's the thing. I've come to terms with the idea that I'm not a lesbian. What I am...well..I'm me, but for the sake of having a label to describe my sexuality and make my ideas flow and make more sense I will go with the terms queer and pansexual. They seem to be the "best fit" I can come up with. And for added clarity, I will indicate that gender and sexuality aren't important in the terms of a relationship for me. I have no problem with men, women, transpeople, or anything else. A person is a person is a person.
That said, I have found myself involved in a relationship with a man whom I have known for many years and who shall remain nameless (unless he wants a nickname, but I try to respect the privacy of my friends/family/lovers) who doesn't meet the typically normal heterosexual male definition (which is what most people would expect him to be if he is involved with a woman). Wow...that's a really long sentence...whatever. If it doesn't make sense read it again and then shoot me an email to ask questions if you like! :-)
So, I'm not gay. I recognize and understand that for me my partner does not have to be of any one specific gender or sexual identity. And I'm perfectly fine with that. It does mean that there can be a stronger learning curve in a relationship, but it's nothing that I'm not smart enough to handle. I don't think I'm doing a bad job. Because in addition to not being gay, I have a seemingly high sex drive and am interested in BDSM and other bits of kink, and the person in my life doesn't share any of those things. But, he makes a concentrated effort to explore them with me anyway. Because he loves me and cares for me and I feel the same way about him. The sexual side of our relationship is unique because it focuses solely on me and my pleasure. And we are both OK with that. Granted, because I was unused to it I did have a hard time at first. Especially because I am very physical by nature and like to show affection not only with more publicly acceptable gestures like hugs and kisses, but also more intimate ones and that just isn't a thing in our relationship. At first I found it very strange and it was hard for me to relax and accept the pleasure I was being given. But with a bit of time and patience and open communication it's gotten to a point that I make snarky wisecracks from time to time and we joke about it. And he is aware that if there is anything that he ever decides he wants or needs from me that he needs to tell me. And I think he will. He worries that one of these days I will feel like what we have isn't enough, but it has taken such a unique perspective to really teach me that sex and intimacy are not the same thing and that you can have one without the other. And I knew that in my head, but the lesson has finally sunk in. I am more relaxed about sex than I might have ever been in my life (don't get me wrong I still have my hang ups) and I am more at peace with myself as whole because I can see past my flaws and imperfections. A relationship like ours isn't for everyone, but it works for me and mine. And I'm happy with where we are. The only things are I want to change are those things that naturally change as a relationship grows together with the people in it. I want us to grow and learn together, to keep talking, laughing, and loving.
See...here's the thing. I've come to terms with the idea that I'm not a lesbian. What I am...well..I'm me, but for the sake of having a label to describe my sexuality and make my ideas flow and make more sense I will go with the terms queer and pansexual. They seem to be the "best fit" I can come up with. And for added clarity, I will indicate that gender and sexuality aren't important in the terms of a relationship for me. I have no problem with men, women, transpeople, or anything else. A person is a person is a person.
That said, I have found myself involved in a relationship with a man whom I have known for many years and who shall remain nameless (unless he wants a nickname, but I try to respect the privacy of my friends/family/lovers) who doesn't meet the typically normal heterosexual male definition (which is what most people would expect him to be if he is involved with a woman). Wow...that's a really long sentence...whatever. If it doesn't make sense read it again and then shoot me an email to ask questions if you like! :-)
So, I'm not gay. I recognize and understand that for me my partner does not have to be of any one specific gender or sexual identity. And I'm perfectly fine with that. It does mean that there can be a stronger learning curve in a relationship, but it's nothing that I'm not smart enough to handle. I don't think I'm doing a bad job. Because in addition to not being gay, I have a seemingly high sex drive and am interested in BDSM and other bits of kink, and the person in my life doesn't share any of those things. But, he makes a concentrated effort to explore them with me anyway. Because he loves me and cares for me and I feel the same way about him. The sexual side of our relationship is unique because it focuses solely on me and my pleasure. And we are both OK with that. Granted, because I was unused to it I did have a hard time at first. Especially because I am very physical by nature and like to show affection not only with more publicly acceptable gestures like hugs and kisses, but also more intimate ones and that just isn't a thing in our relationship. At first I found it very strange and it was hard for me to relax and accept the pleasure I was being given. But with a bit of time and patience and open communication it's gotten to a point that I make snarky wisecracks from time to time and we joke about it. And he is aware that if there is anything that he ever decides he wants or needs from me that he needs to tell me. And I think he will. He worries that one of these days I will feel like what we have isn't enough, but it has taken such a unique perspective to really teach me that sex and intimacy are not the same thing and that you can have one without the other. And I knew that in my head, but the lesson has finally sunk in. I am more relaxed about sex than I might have ever been in my life (don't get me wrong I still have my hang ups) and I am more at peace with myself as whole because I can see past my flaws and imperfections. A relationship like ours isn't for everyone, but it works for me and mine. And I'm happy with where we are. The only things are I want to change are those things that naturally change as a relationship grows together with the people in it. I want us to grow and learn together, to keep talking, laughing, and loving.
Ready to be
It's been a while since I could hold my head up high...
I'm back bitches! Shit has changed in my life like mad and I don't even know if I can get it all updated in a timely manner. My divorce is final. My ex appears to be happy with his new girlfriend (and I hope he is). He and I talk, but there is some distance there and while I sometimes miss that we were, at one point in time, good friends, I just don't know if that will ever come back. We have a lot between us. I'm back on skates and playing roller derby so I'm losing that 40 pounds I had gained...omg I felt like a whale when I saw the number on the scale. And my identity feels as fluid as ever, but not as important. There will always be people who don't like me or don't agree with my choices. Not my problem.
After I spent last summer struggling to come to terms with my divorce and who I was again after being lost in my marriage I ended up in a rather unconventional relationship. I realize that who I love or sleep with doesn't need to be an issue and as long as I am happy and the person I'm with is happy and we as a couple are happy then it doesn't matter what anyone else in the damn world thinks. With that said, my focus has shifted from lesbianism to more of a queer pansexual point of view. Which suits me far better than any other label or definition I've come up with. But I won't let labels define me. Paralegal, derby skater, woman, Texan...whatever. These are part of me, but not all of me.
So it is a new year, new day and I'm moving on. I'm not anything or anyone but myself.
I'm back bitches! Shit has changed in my life like mad and I don't even know if I can get it all updated in a timely manner. My divorce is final. My ex appears to be happy with his new girlfriend (and I hope he is). He and I talk, but there is some distance there and while I sometimes miss that we were, at one point in time, good friends, I just don't know if that will ever come back. We have a lot between us. I'm back on skates and playing roller derby so I'm losing that 40 pounds I had gained...omg I felt like a whale when I saw the number on the scale. And my identity feels as fluid as ever, but not as important. There will always be people who don't like me or don't agree with my choices. Not my problem.
After I spent last summer struggling to come to terms with my divorce and who I was again after being lost in my marriage I ended up in a rather unconventional relationship. I realize that who I love or sleep with doesn't need to be an issue and as long as I am happy and the person I'm with is happy and we as a couple are happy then it doesn't matter what anyone else in the damn world thinks. With that said, my focus has shifted from lesbianism to more of a queer pansexual point of view. Which suits me far better than any other label or definition I've come up with. But I won't let labels define me. Paralegal, derby skater, woman, Texan...whatever. These are part of me, but not all of me.
So it is a new year, new day and I'm moving on. I'm not anything or anyone but myself.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
MIA
So I'm working on learning some life skills that I had not previously acquired. As strange it may sound I am terrible at relaxing and not worrying, asking for things that I want, and saying yes when someone asks me if I want something, no matter how badly I DO actually want it.
In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.
I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.
I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.
R
In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.
I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.
I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.
R
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Acceptance
It's coming on midnight and I've worked all day. I was standing in the kitchen with my dragonfly bandaged and frying up some paneer for a snack (I didn't know how delicious this stuff was and I want to just make my own so I don't have to buy it anymore!!) when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that I can wander about in nothing or next to nothing for clothing and I indulge myself frequently...why not?
I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)
At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.
R
I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)
At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.
R
scars and life
Life has been up and down and backwards and sleepless and just generally all over it seems lately. But really it has simply been one crazy stunt that was actually planned that seems to have taken up so much. I worked Monday, got out of work, and prepared to enjoy some time off. The plan for Tuesday night was for me to undergo a procedure called scarification and a good friend stopped by to see how a job interview had gone and how I was holding up waiting for my appointment.. All was going pretty well until my ex unexpectedly showed up. We hung out and chatted and things were fine until he asked me to walk him out to his car. I did and that's where things got crazy. We got into this discussion about us and how he felt like I was avoiding him and how I've struggled to be friends with him and a lot of stuff. It wasn't pretty and out of respect for him I won't be including a ton of details, but it shook me a bit. And given that I was going to be doing some SERIOUS body modding later that night I needed to be much calmer. That's where my friend comes in (said friend will probably need a good name, but I haven't come up with one just yet...) and did what was needed for me to calm down, which included feeding me DELICIOUS pizza and being patient enough to wait while my dragonfly was done and then make sure I got home safely.
The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!
OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.
And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.
R
The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!
OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.
And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.
R
Friday, July 20, 2012
Losing
I have really good days. I also have mediocre days. And I have bad days. Today has been one of those days where I'm not sure where it will end up. Right now I am just overwhelmed and a bit lonely. OK. A lot lonely. I have so much to do and I'm not doing any of it and I have so many bills that I can't pay. Things are quickly becoming a struggle for me financially and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to everything.
I'm afraid of losing it all. But I'm also feeling fairly certain that that is exactly where I'm heading and in pretty short order. It scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to do terrible things so I can forget, for a while, where things are going. But I know that's not good idea for me. Not short term OR long term. Maybe, if I can hold on a little longer things will change, but I don't know if I can see it happening. All I see in my future is bleak disaster.
I'm afraid of losing it all. But I'm also feeling fairly certain that that is exactly where I'm heading and in pretty short order. It scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to do terrible things so I can forget, for a while, where things are going. But I know that's not good idea for me. Not short term OR long term. Maybe, if I can hold on a little longer things will change, but I don't know if I can see it happening. All I see in my future is bleak disaster.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Moments
Be who you are in this moment. Be in this moment and accept it for what it is. Learn from it and remember it for it will pass too soon. Enjoy the next moment as it comes, but do not rush them. Live in the moment.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Moving Forward and Back and Foward
So I play a team sport and I consider myself an athlete. Definitely not a pro and not even a good amateur, but what I do does require some skill and coordination on an athletic level. I can do it and sometimes I even feel like I do it well.
However, since everything went down in my life I have REALLY become an exercise slacker. I wasn't great at it before but I've got worse in recent months. As I'm slowly trying to recover a sense of self and who I am and want to be I am feeling as though I need to get back to exercising more than just at team practices. So i am. And holy crap do I feel out of shape after a twenty minute workout consisting of a series of various types of crunches, leg lifts, push ups, modified planking, and squats. There was a time that doing 3 or 4 sets of 30 squats at a time was not unheard of for me. My total overall for today's workout : 50. I have gotten off track for sure and I'm gonna get it back. I have some workout DVDs that I will be doing and I am hoping I can get my hands on a copy of Insanity. Clearly it is going to kick my ass, but I think I need my ass kicked and I think it will do me good. Even if I have to start at the beginning and do it over and over until I feel like I can move on it will do me good.
I will probably NEVER have the body of one of the Williams sisters or any of the Olympic gymnasts out there, but I will have a body that I am happy with and can accept. And with any luck...getting into better shape will help me be more accepting of the imperfections that I cannot change. Now I'm off to clean house and if the mood strikes maybe I will throw in a few more reps. :) Here's to taking as many steps forward as I can without backsliding, but knowing that if I take three steps forward and two steps back I can always keep moving forward.
R
However, since everything went down in my life I have REALLY become an exercise slacker. I wasn't great at it before but I've got worse in recent months. As I'm slowly trying to recover a sense of self and who I am and want to be I am feeling as though I need to get back to exercising more than just at team practices. So i am. And holy crap do I feel out of shape after a twenty minute workout consisting of a series of various types of crunches, leg lifts, push ups, modified planking, and squats. There was a time that doing 3 or 4 sets of 30 squats at a time was not unheard of for me. My total overall for today's workout : 50. I have gotten off track for sure and I'm gonna get it back. I have some workout DVDs that I will be doing and I am hoping I can get my hands on a copy of Insanity. Clearly it is going to kick my ass, but I think I need my ass kicked and I think it will do me good. Even if I have to start at the beginning and do it over and over until I feel like I can move on it will do me good.
I will probably NEVER have the body of one of the Williams sisters or any of the Olympic gymnasts out there, but I will have a body that I am happy with and can accept. And with any luck...getting into better shape will help me be more accepting of the imperfections that I cannot change. Now I'm off to clean house and if the mood strikes maybe I will throw in a few more reps. :) Here's to taking as many steps forward as I can without backsliding, but knowing that if I take three steps forward and two steps back I can always keep moving forward.
R
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The Perfection of Imperfection
Ugh. The lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I'm kind of a hot mess. But I'm functional and the tiredness gives me a strange sense of clarity that I don't normally have. I've been struggling a lot with feeling as though I have no potential and seeing myself as the ugly duckling (for lack of a better term). I'm trying to deal with these things and find ways to simply better myself overall.
Unrelated note: Thank goodness for red squiggly lines that appear under my typos...I have lots of them tonight. lol
It was pointed out to me that, despite my fears, if I get to the point in a relationship with someone that they are seeing me without clothes on they are probably not going to be nearly as concerned with my flaws (perceived or otherwise) as I am. This is probably true, but I'm at a point in my life where I magnify the tiniest things and obsess over them. Mostly because there are times when I simply don't know what else to do. I am taking things day by day and moment by moment because I am finding it difficult to do almost anything else.
My coping mechanisms are strange and screwed up and unless I start doing unhealthy things they are not things I can use right now. So I muddle through and try to ignore the whispered voices in my head. And this is incredibly disjointed which fits because that's how I feel right now. I will be glad when the dissonance inside my head settles down and finds a rhythm.
R
Unrelated note: Thank goodness for red squiggly lines that appear under my typos...I have lots of them tonight. lol
It was pointed out to me that, despite my fears, if I get to the point in a relationship with someone that they are seeing me without clothes on they are probably not going to be nearly as concerned with my flaws (perceived or otherwise) as I am. This is probably true, but I'm at a point in my life where I magnify the tiniest things and obsess over them. Mostly because there are times when I simply don't know what else to do. I am taking things day by day and moment by moment because I am finding it difficult to do almost anything else.
My coping mechanisms are strange and screwed up and unless I start doing unhealthy things they are not things I can use right now. So I muddle through and try to ignore the whispered voices in my head. And this is incredibly disjointed which fits because that's how I feel right now. I will be glad when the dissonance inside my head settles down and finds a rhythm.
R
Sunday, July 8, 2012
One of the things that I'm finding I miss the most is intimacy. Not sex or fucking or screwing around, but simple intimacy. I miss someone to hold me when I've had a bad day or being able to cuddle with them on a cold night or just sharing a touch as we pass in the hallway.
I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.
I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.
I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.
I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tids and Bits
I spent my weekend either working or playing roller derby and now I'm just trying to get caught up on sleep and see what the coming week holds. Took an elbow to the face and I think a teammate has decided that it is her job to fix me up. Except that she seems quite willing to fix me up with anyone I find attractive. Since I'm not really up for any serious dating and I'm pretty happy to just check out the eye candy I have a feeling this could get....awkward at the least.
I talked to my dad tonight and I'm very grateful that thing aren't weird between me and my parents. They seem pretty much unfazed by my coming out. So do the majority of my friends and the co-workers that know. Since I work in a place where often the rumor mill is worse than your typical high school I'm grateful for the small things like this. I'm not really hiding, but I don't feel the need to completely announce my sexual preference to everyone. Well, OK not all the time anyway...and last night I actually had to tell a guy that I'm gay so he would stop hitting on me. Granted, I'm not sure he believed me, but I don't care as long as he backs off.
And I think I'm going to be getting a scarification piece done!!! My favorite tattoo artist has been training for it and I volunteered to be a practice guinea pig cause...well cause why not!! I've been interested in getting the work done for a long time and I trust Almighty to take care of me. So I will have a dragonfly sometime. Can't wait!!!! And I think that's all the stuff I randomly feel the need to share right now. More later either of fluff like this or of whatever angst has manged to worm its way forth.
R
I talked to my dad tonight and I'm very grateful that thing aren't weird between me and my parents. They seem pretty much unfazed by my coming out. So do the majority of my friends and the co-workers that know. Since I work in a place where often the rumor mill is worse than your typical high school I'm grateful for the small things like this. I'm not really hiding, but I don't feel the need to completely announce my sexual preference to everyone. Well, OK not all the time anyway...and last night I actually had to tell a guy that I'm gay so he would stop hitting on me. Granted, I'm not sure he believed me, but I don't care as long as he backs off.
And I think I'm going to be getting a scarification piece done!!! My favorite tattoo artist has been training for it and I volunteered to be a practice guinea pig cause...well cause why not!! I've been interested in getting the work done for a long time and I trust Almighty to take care of me. So I will have a dragonfly sometime. Can't wait!!!! And I think that's all the stuff I randomly feel the need to share right now. More later either of fluff like this or of whatever angst has manged to worm its way forth.
R
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Basics
So I've made no progress whatsoever regarding my last post and feel like I have no where to begin. I lack motivation to study theory and making the practical effort just sounds exhausting. I'm doing good to simply function most days without trying to add more to the list.
And rediscovering myself as a sexual being when I am so alone and so starved for the touch of another that getting myself off is all but impossible means that there's no sex of any kind for me. Wonderful. One more thing to break me. Being alone will kill me. Not the solitude but the lack of human connection. I don't feel like there's anyone in my life who would umderstand. And the one person that I *can* talk to...well being around them is so hard for me that I clam up and don't talk. I cease to be able to express myself.
My ex is a wonderful, amazing person who has so much more going for him than he knows. And I can see this. I can also see how my life is becoming merely an existence. I'm glad that he is finding his way but that doesn't make it easy to watch. Not when I feel as tho he (and everyone else) will eventually outpace me and I will be left behind.
Spending time with him is hard because of this but the ineloquence in my speech means that I would bungle the explanation of why I seem to be a bit distant sometimes and would only hurt him. I've hurt him enough. I won't do it again if I can help it. So I will just keep existing in my lonely bubble and keep struggling to stay afloat while everyone else slowly drifts away.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Faith, Spirituality, and Sex are all Connected
It just has occured to me that I spent a good portion of my high school years trying to find both my faith and my sexuality. One I found and the other I lost even though at one point they were very interconnected. Then I lost them both.
Now here I am, a decade out of high school and I feel as though I've made so many mistakes. But a decade isn't such a long time in the grand scheme of things and maybe I can find my way back. I'm going to reclaim who and what I am. It's going to be a long road, but this is what I need to do with myself. I need to go back to the fairy loving girl with a sense of wonder, who was a hippie minus the peace, love, and tie dye, and reconnect with Goddess and re-learn how sex can be magick. One single step at a time.
Now here I am, a decade out of high school and I feel as though I've made so many mistakes. But a decade isn't such a long time in the grand scheme of things and maybe I can find my way back. I'm going to reclaim who and what I am. It's going to be a long road, but this is what I need to do with myself. I need to go back to the fairy loving girl with a sense of wonder, who was a hippie minus the peace, love, and tie dye, and reconnect with Goddess and re-learn how sex can be magick. One single step at a time.
sink or swim
Apparently I can function well for a few days and then I just fall apart. One of the things that makes me fall apart is feeling like I have nothing left in my life to really look forward to and that I'm going to be stuck right where I'm at for the rest of my life. In a small town, working a dead-end job, alone. Mind you, this is a small town that I hate and that has AWFUL weather. I am NOT a snow loving kind of girl.
One of the things that I am having a hard time with is that I feel as though I am left with nothing. I'm not sure why, because I have an apartment and a car and food and I know that my life could be a hell of a lot worse now. I mean, I chose this for myself and therefore I have no one to blame, but myself. But in the middle of the night when I wake up so lonely it's just fucking hard. And it is made harder by the knowledge that Romero would drop whatever he was doing to come try and help me handle it, but I can't let him do that. There's something inside me that just refuses that help. I feel like I have to sink or swim on my own. And right now, I think I'm sinking.
One of the things that I am having a hard time with is that I feel as though I am left with nothing. I'm not sure why, because I have an apartment and a car and food and I know that my life could be a hell of a lot worse now. I mean, I chose this for myself and therefore I have no one to blame, but myself. But in the middle of the night when I wake up so lonely it's just fucking hard. And it is made harder by the knowledge that Romero would drop whatever he was doing to come try and help me handle it, but I can't let him do that. There's something inside me that just refuses that help. I feel like I have to sink or swim on my own. And right now, I think I'm sinking.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Stronger
So I've been alternating between having panic attacks and not being home much between work and going out with friends because my friends know I brood if left alone too much. I'm very tired and am ready for some down time. I can't promise I won't brood a little, but I feel as though I may start functioning a bit better sometime soon.
My goals for the week include surviving tomorrow at work, doing the deep cleaning that I have been putting off, meeting with my landlady, getting my car inspected, getting the cable/internet/electric in my name, playing some roller derby, hanging with my girls, and getting more sleep and more exercise.
Longer term goals include a continued job hunt, more tattoos, piercings, and a potential scarification, more derby, and maybe a non-serious girlfriend...although that goal isn't one I necessarily expect to meet given my lack of confidence and living in a small town. *shrug* Maybe I will be surprised one day...in the meantime...I'm going to attempt to sleep. And maybe have dreams about pretty girls.
My goals for the week include surviving tomorrow at work, doing the deep cleaning that I have been putting off, meeting with my landlady, getting my car inspected, getting the cable/internet/electric in my name, playing some roller derby, hanging with my girls, and getting more sleep and more exercise.
Longer term goals include a continued job hunt, more tattoos, piercings, and a potential scarification, more derby, and maybe a non-serious girlfriend...although that goal isn't one I necessarily expect to meet given my lack of confidence and living in a small town. *shrug* Maybe I will be surprised one day...in the meantime...I'm going to attempt to sleep. And maybe have dreams about pretty girls.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Time and More Time
Its been a few days and I'm still not sleeping terribly well. My morning headaches aren't going away and I don't think I've slept through the night since Saturday. I'm grumpy and miserable about not sleeping well. I'm also finding that I am more lonely than I thought I would be. I think that some of my loneliness stems from the fact that I don't go out and do things and I don't always feel like I have people I can talk to. Even though I know that I do have options. I'm trying very hard to take some time for myself. I know that I need it. But I feel as though I have no one that understands a lot of what I'm going through and that I have no where to turn for help.
Between that and the financial struggles that I may be facing (some of which have more to do with things I want than things I need) I stress myself out. Although I don't think feeling like I need to see my family is unreasonable. The trick, however, is coming up with airfare. Anyone wanna donate? lol Yeah right. No one even reads this but me. I keep telling myself that I will eventually meet my financial goals and that it will all work out in the long run, but right now when I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like I have no support system whatsoever it's hard to remember that.
Between that and the financial struggles that I may be facing (some of which have more to do with things I want than things I need) I stress myself out. Although I don't think feeling like I need to see my family is unreasonable. The trick, however, is coming up with airfare. Anyone wanna donate? lol Yeah right. No one even reads this but me. I keep telling myself that I will eventually meet my financial goals and that it will all work out in the long run, but right now when I'm exhausted and lonely and feel like I have no support system whatsoever it's hard to remember that.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Sleepless
Last night was my first night alone. I was up until almost 3AM basically just puttering around and goofing off on the Internets. As tired as I was I knew sleep wasn't going to come easy. So I stayed up until I just wore myself out completely. I ate Chinese food at 1AM...something I typically am not all about. Anytime after midnight and before noon has a tendency to be breakfast food. I listened to the silence and to my neighbors surround sound that I can just hear echoes of sometimes. When I realized that sleep wasn't coming and that I had to be up for work in 3 hours I gave up and called in. Then puttered some more until I hit that point where my eyes were just barely open and the stupid video of someone's cat barking like a dog was blurring on the screen. When I laid down I still laid there for a long time before I did finally sleep. Alone. In a king size bed.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Being Alone
Unless something changes Saturday night will be the last time that Romero and I share a bed. He has asked me how I feel about all of this, but it is so hard to verbalize my feelings. Mostly I am feeling super alone. And scared because I can handle being alone with myself, but after 9 years or marriage the idea of being alone in that sense....well that terrifies me. But I know that I have to deal with it and move on. After all, its not as though I will have a ton of prospects for love or even sex living in the area I do. *sigh* Time to invest in some duracell stock....
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