Losing

I have really good days. I also have mediocre days. And I have bad days. Today has been one of those days where I'm not sure where it will end up. Right now I am just overwhelmed and a bit lonely. OK. A lot lonely. I have so much to do and I'm not doing any of it and I have so many bills that I can't pay. Things are quickly becoming a struggle for me financially and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to everything.

I'm afraid of losing it all. But I'm also feeling fairly certain that that is exactly where I'm heading and in pretty short order. It scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to do terrible things so I can forget, for a while, where things are going. But I know that's not good idea for me. Not short term OR long term. Maybe, if I can hold on a little longer things will change, but I don't know if I can see it happening. All I see in my future is bleak disaster.

Moving on and out...

It has been a long weekend with lots of travel, a few bruises, some drinking, and generally a good time. Although, I am apparently turning into an attention whore without having realized it. Time to curb that shit. I still haven't called Mom and Dad (big shock there), but am going to eventually have to do it sooner than later since Romero found a place and will be moving out. I'm scared about it. I don't know how I will pay my bills and make ends meet. How I will handle mundane things like spider killing and fly by attacks from stinging insects that I am allergic to? What if I can't sleep alone? So much that is changing and I'm afraid of all of it.

I know that in the end this is the way things have to go, but I can't deny having fears and doubts about being able to survive on my own. I'm worried that I may have to give up a much loved hobby because of the high cost. And despite it all I've been functioning relatively well without my meds, although I really need to start taking them again and keep taking them instead of slacking off. I feel like hell today and go back to work tomorrow. Another day, another dollar, and who knows what the future holds...

R

I post lots of random shit so maybe all my posts should be titled "Randomata"

Things are mildly better today. I'm not stressing quite so badly. I'm still job hunting, but I need to really step that up. I'm also looking for car insurance that isn't five prices. After reworking my budget again today now I've got it looking as though maybe I can swing things, but I will really need to watch closely and not just buy things at random. Which basically means I will have no life outside of work and roller derby because I just won't be able to afford anything else. I can live with that. It's not as though I am in a big hurry to start dating again any how. Although, the CL Personals section is funny as hell. I need to remember that for when I need a good laugh.

I want to call my mom and talk to her, but I know she is on-call for her job and I don't want to dump this news on her if she has to go to work. But I gotta tell her sometime. I gotta quit stressing/obsessing over this.

I wish I had someone to really talk to about this. Someone who has been there done that in this situation I find myself in. Hell, maybe I just want someone to talk to that doesn't necessarily know me. I don't know. I'm just feeling very alone still and I don't really know why. I have friends and family and I know if I need them they will be there. Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't make the effort to reach out like I should. Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't. I like to pretend everything is fine because then I'm not burdening people. Anxiety ridden, gay, trapped in my own head, selfish, and a general mess about half of the time. Its a good thing I'm not interested in dating...I don't think I would be the best company at this point. I think I have a lot of self-improvements to make. One more thing that I'm going to worry about, even though I know I shouldn't.

R

Anxiety fit

I was going to suck it up today and call my mother. She had to work. So I got my reprieve there and have spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to figure out a budget, not freak out, not shave my head, and generally be OK. I'm really worried about being able to afford my rent and all my bills on what I make. Which means I'm looking at job postings too, but I haven't had much luck there. There are a few that I'm just going to apply for and go for broke. The worst that can happen is that I don't have a new job. At least I'm not losing the one I've got. And maybe something will surprise me by working out.

I feel very lonely again today. So many worries most of which I have little to no control over...or will simply have to work with what I've got to make them be less, but no one I feel like I can talk to. Or no one that I feel would want to listen. I know that's not true, but I try not to be a burden.

I sat down and tried to draft a budget basing it off of my last two paychecks. If I did it right and understand everything I am going to be very very tight and possibly without a cell phone. And also, I will definitely need to get as many hours at my job as they will allow me to have. Hence, the reason I am looking for another job. Or a cheaper apartment, but it will HAVE to allow cats and that can be hard to find.

I'm just really anxious and kind of freaking out about everything. I've started to hit the point where I want to start trying to sell excess belongings that I don't need (excluding heirloom items) so that I can try to make sure I can swing things by myself and have a bit of a cushion to rely on. I am capable enough to do this and handle shit, but right now I'm just having a bit of a freak out. I'm OK. I will be OK.