scars and life

Life has been up and down and backwards and sleepless and just generally all over it seems lately. But really it has simply been one crazy stunt that was actually planned that seems to have taken up so much. I worked Monday, got out of work, and prepared to enjoy some time off. The plan for Tuesday night was for me to undergo a procedure called scarification and a good friend stopped by to see how a job interview had gone and how I was holding up waiting for my appointment.. All was going pretty well until my ex unexpectedly showed up. We hung out and chatted and things were fine until he asked me to walk him out to his car. I did and that's where things got crazy. We got into this discussion about us and how he felt like I was avoiding him and how I've struggled to be friends with him and a lot of stuff. It wasn't pretty and out of respect for him I won't be including a ton of details, but it shook me a bit. And given that I was going to be doing some SERIOUS body modding later that night I needed to be much calmer. That's where my friend comes in (said friend will probably need a good name, but I haven't come up with one just yet...) and did what was needed for me to calm down, which included feeding me DELICIOUS pizza and being patient enough to wait while my dragonfly was done and then make sure I got home safely.

The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!

OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.

And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.

R

One of the things that I'm finding I miss the most is intimacy. Not sex or fucking or screwing around, but simple intimacy. I miss someone to hold me when I've had a bad day or being able to cuddle with them on a cold night or just sharing a touch as we pass in the hallway.

I'm also missing some of the kinkier aspects of my life that haven't been present in a long time and am wondering if that part is just a passing phase or if it will all come roaring back to me. *sigh* I can't even focus on trying to write about how I feel right now. I am so scattered and can't find a center point to hold fast to. I have no idea where my life is going to end up at this point and being alone is scary and getting harder instead of easier.

I constantly feel tense and jumpy and hyper aware and antsy and just altogether like a train wreck. I wanna be over it.