It is very common for two (or more) people in a relationship to have identical or similar sexual mores, ideas, tastes, and values. And sharing the same basic ideas of what sex is and should be can certainly make a relationship easier. But that's not the case for every couple out there. And it can be done and they can make it work. At one point last summer I was identifying as a lesbian, but found myself falling in love with someone who did NOT identify as a lesbian at all. It made for an unusual situation for me at the time, but as I allowed things to progress I realized that I was growing and changing and that the label of lesbian was not the best fit. Now I've decided that the labels just don't matter. But I will use them simply because it makes for clearer context in my writing.
See...here's the thing. I've come to terms with the idea that I'm not a lesbian. What I am...well..I'm me, but for the sake of having a label to describe my sexuality and make my ideas flow and make more sense I will go with the terms queer and pansexual. They seem to be the "best fit" I can come up with. And for added clarity, I will indicate that gender and sexuality aren't important in the terms of a relationship for me. I have no problem with men, women, transpeople, or anything else. A person is a person is a person.
That said, I have found myself involved in a relationship with a man whom I have known for many years and who shall remain nameless (unless he wants a nickname, but I try to respect the privacy of my friends/family/lovers) who doesn't meet the typically normal heterosexual male definition (which is what most people would expect him to be if he is involved with a woman). Wow...that's a really long sentence...whatever. If it doesn't make sense read it again and then shoot me an email to ask questions if you like! :-)
So, I'm not gay. I recognize and understand that for me my partner does not have to be of any one specific gender or sexual identity. And I'm perfectly fine with that. It does mean that there can be a stronger learning curve in a relationship, but it's nothing that I'm not smart enough to handle. I don't think I'm doing a bad job. Because in addition to not being gay, I have a seemingly high sex drive and am interested in BDSM and other bits of kink, and the person in my life doesn't share any of those things. But, he makes a concentrated effort to explore them with me anyway. Because he loves me and cares for me and I feel the same way about him. The sexual side of our relationship is unique because it focuses solely on me and my pleasure. And we are both OK with that. Granted, because I was unused to it I did have a hard time at first. Especially because I am very physical by nature and like to show affection not only with more publicly acceptable gestures like hugs and kisses, but also more intimate ones and that just isn't a thing in our relationship. At first I found it very strange and it was hard for me to relax and accept the pleasure I was being given. But with a bit of time and patience and open communication it's gotten to a point that I make snarky wisecracks from time to time and we joke about it. And he is aware that if there is anything that he ever decides he wants or needs from me that he needs to tell me. And I think he will. He worries that one of these days I will feel like what we have isn't enough, but it has taken such a unique perspective to really teach me that sex and intimacy are not the same thing and that you can have one without the other. And I knew that in my head, but the lesson has finally sunk in. I am more relaxed about sex than I might have ever been in my life (don't get me wrong I still have my hang ups) and I am more at peace with myself as whole because I can see past my flaws and imperfections. A relationship like ours isn't for everyone, but it works for me and mine. And I'm happy with where we are. The only things are I want to change are those things that naturally change as a relationship grows together with the people in it. I want us to grow and learn together, to keep talking, laughing, and loving.
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