I rediscovered this, something I had forgotten I'd written, tonight. And reading back through it was just a plethora of stuff that brought back strange memories and stranger times and some things that I hadn't known before became glaringly obvious to me when I look back at them with several years of distance. Notably was some of the interactions between my ex and I (we no longer speak) and how awful and miserable they really were for me, but I was used to it and probably ,by then, expected it. It was normal for me, although I was assured by several people close to me who knew at least part of my story that it wasn't in any way normal or acceptable. And it has taken me a long time to even begin to start finding myself in all of the mess I had been through. I read myself on one entry and could clearly now point out that I was in the midst of a manic fit, though at the time of the writing I hadn't yet been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. At this point I am working on stability with my partner and just trying to keep pushing forward through life. Maybe I'll write here some more, maybe I won't, but I like having at least something to look back on to what was a very tumultuous time in my life because even with all the bad that was happening, especially in my first entries, it lets me now appreciate the good that I have in my life. And I'm trying to find more good things all the time because I never want to be the person that I was when I started writing here. Growth is a good thing, right?
R
Monday, January 28, 2019
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Long overdue...
In the last year and a half I have solidified my relationship with the person that I was seeing in January of 2013 and we are going on two years in a couple of months. I have struggled with severe mental illness and I have stepped back from playing roller derby. I have also gained a significant amount of weight and have been trying to deal with how that has impacted me and my self esteem.
Finally, I feel like I am at a place where I am starting to like and maybe even love the person I am becoming. I have a regular course of meds that I take for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), and PTSD brought on by the decade long abusive relationship that I was in prior to my divorce. My current partner loves me despite my flaws 9that he doesn't even seem to see sometimes), frequently tells me that I am wonderful or beautiful, and we have continued to find peace with our very different sexual orientations. And now I am coaching roller derby instead of playing and it is something that I really enjoy. I would rather be playing (of course) and I have been getting back on my skates so that gives me some hope that eventually I will turn left and hit bitches once again. And I know that getting back in shape for derby and playing derby will help me lose weight so I am trying not to stress over my weight too much. I have not however been gymming it up because of 50 work weeks. That plus derby is a lot and while I am able to do it and have kept up with it for a bit now, I haven't added in the gym yet because I want to make sure that I can keep myself together and not get overwhelmed by everything in my life. I have learned that sometimes I need to and I have to choose to take care of myself first. And sometimes that means not going out (even to the gym) and I will miss out on things, but my mental health and being able to stay stable are far important than trying to experience everything and burning myself out.
So much has happened that I honestly do not think I can write it all down to chronicle things, but my life is getting better. I still struggle with my reactions towards things like loud exclamations of emotion coming from my SO even when they aren't directed at me It was pointed out to me recently that for out first 6 months together (we moved in together after roughly a month) he had to self censor quite a bit because any out of band reactions like frustrations at a video game or whatnot would cause me to shrink back and sometimes even panic because my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that I expected to be blamed for everything and I was terrified. Now I can generally perceive that those frustrations are not directed at me nor are they my fault. I still tend to jump if I am nearby; we were both in the kitchen recently and he burnt himself while holding a knife. The result was a cry of pain and his reaction to having the knife was to stab it point first very hard (and loudly) into the cutting board because that kept him from throwing it as a reaction to pain of having burnt himself. I was absolutely shaking in fear and the reaction was so automatic that I couldn't do anything else. But after a moment for me to realize that he wasn't upset at me, he wasn't hurt, I wasn't hurt, and that everything was OK thins were better. I got a hug and calmed down quickly. There was a time when that would have sent me crying in the other room for probably a half an hour. So progress. And not just in that area.
I have become more comfortable with my own sexuality and with talking to my SO about what I want and/or need to be satisfied and happy. We hit a rough patch not long ago and things got really weird one night and caused a definite disconnect. It left both of us feeling upset and made me feel very alone for a bit. But we talked about it several times over the course of probably a week and were able to work through the problem. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to have such serious conversations for more than a few minutes without crying and being unable to keep talking. We spent most of a Saturday talking not long ago. And we both feel that it has made us closer to have talked about it and we will keep talking because the disparities between us mean that we have to keep talking. It is getting easier too and that makes me happy.
I don't know how often I will write here honestly, but I wanted to provide an update just because it feels good to realize and make note of the progress I have made. Here's to the future...
R
Finally, I feel like I am at a place where I am starting to like and maybe even love the person I am becoming. I have a regular course of meds that I take for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), and PTSD brought on by the decade long abusive relationship that I was in prior to my divorce. My current partner loves me despite my flaws 9that he doesn't even seem to see sometimes), frequently tells me that I am wonderful or beautiful, and we have continued to find peace with our very different sexual orientations. And now I am coaching roller derby instead of playing and it is something that I really enjoy. I would rather be playing (of course) and I have been getting back on my skates so that gives me some hope that eventually I will turn left and hit bitches once again. And I know that getting back in shape for derby and playing derby will help me lose weight so I am trying not to stress over my weight too much. I have not however been gymming it up because of 50 work weeks. That plus derby is a lot and while I am able to do it and have kept up with it for a bit now, I haven't added in the gym yet because I want to make sure that I can keep myself together and not get overwhelmed by everything in my life. I have learned that sometimes I need to and I have to choose to take care of myself first. And sometimes that means not going out (even to the gym) and I will miss out on things, but my mental health and being able to stay stable are far important than trying to experience everything and burning myself out.
So much has happened that I honestly do not think I can write it all down to chronicle things, but my life is getting better. I still struggle with my reactions towards things like loud exclamations of emotion coming from my SO even when they aren't directed at me It was pointed out to me recently that for out first 6 months together (we moved in together after roughly a month) he had to self censor quite a bit because any out of band reactions like frustrations at a video game or whatnot would cause me to shrink back and sometimes even panic because my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that I expected to be blamed for everything and I was terrified. Now I can generally perceive that those frustrations are not directed at me nor are they my fault. I still tend to jump if I am nearby; we were both in the kitchen recently and he burnt himself while holding a knife. The result was a cry of pain and his reaction to having the knife was to stab it point first very hard (and loudly) into the cutting board because that kept him from throwing it as a reaction to pain of having burnt himself. I was absolutely shaking in fear and the reaction was so automatic that I couldn't do anything else. But after a moment for me to realize that he wasn't upset at me, he wasn't hurt, I wasn't hurt, and that everything was OK thins were better. I got a hug and calmed down quickly. There was a time when that would have sent me crying in the other room for probably a half an hour. So progress. And not just in that area.
I have become more comfortable with my own sexuality and with talking to my SO about what I want and/or need to be satisfied and happy. We hit a rough patch not long ago and things got really weird one night and caused a definite disconnect. It left both of us feeling upset and made me feel very alone for a bit. But we talked about it several times over the course of probably a week and were able to work through the problem. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to have such serious conversations for more than a few minutes without crying and being unable to keep talking. We spent most of a Saturday talking not long ago. And we both feel that it has made us closer to have talked about it and we will keep talking because the disparities between us mean that we have to keep talking. It is getting easier too and that makes me happy.
I don't know how often I will write here honestly, but I wanted to provide an update just because it feels good to realize and make note of the progress I have made. Here's to the future...
R
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sexuality and Relationships
It is very common for two (or more) people in a relationship to have identical or similar sexual mores, ideas, tastes, and values. And sharing the same basic ideas of what sex is and should be can certainly make a relationship easier. But that's not the case for every couple out there. And it can be done and they can make it work. At one point last summer I was identifying as a lesbian, but found myself falling in love with someone who did NOT identify as a lesbian at all. It made for an unusual situation for me at the time, but as I allowed things to progress I realized that I was growing and changing and that the label of lesbian was not the best fit. Now I've decided that the labels just don't matter. But I will use them simply because it makes for clearer context in my writing.
See...here's the thing. I've come to terms with the idea that I'm not a lesbian. What I am...well..I'm me, but for the sake of having a label to describe my sexuality and make my ideas flow and make more sense I will go with the terms queer and pansexual. They seem to be the "best fit" I can come up with. And for added clarity, I will indicate that gender and sexuality aren't important in the terms of a relationship for me. I have no problem with men, women, transpeople, or anything else. A person is a person is a person.
That said, I have found myself involved in a relationship with a man whom I have known for many years and who shall remain nameless (unless he wants a nickname, but I try to respect the privacy of my friends/family/lovers) who doesn't meet the typically normal heterosexual male definition (which is what most people would expect him to be if he is involved with a woman). Wow...that's a really long sentence...whatever. If it doesn't make sense read it again and then shoot me an email to ask questions if you like! :-)
So, I'm not gay. I recognize and understand that for me my partner does not have to be of any one specific gender or sexual identity. And I'm perfectly fine with that. It does mean that there can be a stronger learning curve in a relationship, but it's nothing that I'm not smart enough to handle. I don't think I'm doing a bad job. Because in addition to not being gay, I have a seemingly high sex drive and am interested in BDSM and other bits of kink, and the person in my life doesn't share any of those things. But, he makes a concentrated effort to explore them with me anyway. Because he loves me and cares for me and I feel the same way about him. The sexual side of our relationship is unique because it focuses solely on me and my pleasure. And we are both OK with that. Granted, because I was unused to it I did have a hard time at first. Especially because I am very physical by nature and like to show affection not only with more publicly acceptable gestures like hugs and kisses, but also more intimate ones and that just isn't a thing in our relationship. At first I found it very strange and it was hard for me to relax and accept the pleasure I was being given. But with a bit of time and patience and open communication it's gotten to a point that I make snarky wisecracks from time to time and we joke about it. And he is aware that if there is anything that he ever decides he wants or needs from me that he needs to tell me. And I think he will. He worries that one of these days I will feel like what we have isn't enough, but it has taken such a unique perspective to really teach me that sex and intimacy are not the same thing and that you can have one without the other. And I knew that in my head, but the lesson has finally sunk in. I am more relaxed about sex than I might have ever been in my life (don't get me wrong I still have my hang ups) and I am more at peace with myself as whole because I can see past my flaws and imperfections. A relationship like ours isn't for everyone, but it works for me and mine. And I'm happy with where we are. The only things are I want to change are those things that naturally change as a relationship grows together with the people in it. I want us to grow and learn together, to keep talking, laughing, and loving.
See...here's the thing. I've come to terms with the idea that I'm not a lesbian. What I am...well..I'm me, but for the sake of having a label to describe my sexuality and make my ideas flow and make more sense I will go with the terms queer and pansexual. They seem to be the "best fit" I can come up with. And for added clarity, I will indicate that gender and sexuality aren't important in the terms of a relationship for me. I have no problem with men, women, transpeople, or anything else. A person is a person is a person.
That said, I have found myself involved in a relationship with a man whom I have known for many years and who shall remain nameless (unless he wants a nickname, but I try to respect the privacy of my friends/family/lovers) who doesn't meet the typically normal heterosexual male definition (which is what most people would expect him to be if he is involved with a woman). Wow...that's a really long sentence...whatever. If it doesn't make sense read it again and then shoot me an email to ask questions if you like! :-)
So, I'm not gay. I recognize and understand that for me my partner does not have to be of any one specific gender or sexual identity. And I'm perfectly fine with that. It does mean that there can be a stronger learning curve in a relationship, but it's nothing that I'm not smart enough to handle. I don't think I'm doing a bad job. Because in addition to not being gay, I have a seemingly high sex drive and am interested in BDSM and other bits of kink, and the person in my life doesn't share any of those things. But, he makes a concentrated effort to explore them with me anyway. Because he loves me and cares for me and I feel the same way about him. The sexual side of our relationship is unique because it focuses solely on me and my pleasure. And we are both OK with that. Granted, because I was unused to it I did have a hard time at first. Especially because I am very physical by nature and like to show affection not only with more publicly acceptable gestures like hugs and kisses, but also more intimate ones and that just isn't a thing in our relationship. At first I found it very strange and it was hard for me to relax and accept the pleasure I was being given. But with a bit of time and patience and open communication it's gotten to a point that I make snarky wisecracks from time to time and we joke about it. And he is aware that if there is anything that he ever decides he wants or needs from me that he needs to tell me. And I think he will. He worries that one of these days I will feel like what we have isn't enough, but it has taken such a unique perspective to really teach me that sex and intimacy are not the same thing and that you can have one without the other. And I knew that in my head, but the lesson has finally sunk in. I am more relaxed about sex than I might have ever been in my life (don't get me wrong I still have my hang ups) and I am more at peace with myself as whole because I can see past my flaws and imperfections. A relationship like ours isn't for everyone, but it works for me and mine. And I'm happy with where we are. The only things are I want to change are those things that naturally change as a relationship grows together with the people in it. I want us to grow and learn together, to keep talking, laughing, and loving.
Ready to be
It's been a while since I could hold my head up high...
I'm back bitches! Shit has changed in my life like mad and I don't even know if I can get it all updated in a timely manner. My divorce is final. My ex appears to be happy with his new girlfriend (and I hope he is). He and I talk, but there is some distance there and while I sometimes miss that we were, at one point in time, good friends, I just don't know if that will ever come back. We have a lot between us. I'm back on skates and playing roller derby so I'm losing that 40 pounds I had gained...omg I felt like a whale when I saw the number on the scale. And my identity feels as fluid as ever, but not as important. There will always be people who don't like me or don't agree with my choices. Not my problem.
After I spent last summer struggling to come to terms with my divorce and who I was again after being lost in my marriage I ended up in a rather unconventional relationship. I realize that who I love or sleep with doesn't need to be an issue and as long as I am happy and the person I'm with is happy and we as a couple are happy then it doesn't matter what anyone else in the damn world thinks. With that said, my focus has shifted from lesbianism to more of a queer pansexual point of view. Which suits me far better than any other label or definition I've come up with. But I won't let labels define me. Paralegal, derby skater, woman, Texan...whatever. These are part of me, but not all of me.
So it is a new year, new day and I'm moving on. I'm not anything or anyone but myself.
I'm back bitches! Shit has changed in my life like mad and I don't even know if I can get it all updated in a timely manner. My divorce is final. My ex appears to be happy with his new girlfriend (and I hope he is). He and I talk, but there is some distance there and while I sometimes miss that we were, at one point in time, good friends, I just don't know if that will ever come back. We have a lot between us. I'm back on skates and playing roller derby so I'm losing that 40 pounds I had gained...omg I felt like a whale when I saw the number on the scale. And my identity feels as fluid as ever, but not as important. There will always be people who don't like me or don't agree with my choices. Not my problem.
After I spent last summer struggling to come to terms with my divorce and who I was again after being lost in my marriage I ended up in a rather unconventional relationship. I realize that who I love or sleep with doesn't need to be an issue and as long as I am happy and the person I'm with is happy and we as a couple are happy then it doesn't matter what anyone else in the damn world thinks. With that said, my focus has shifted from lesbianism to more of a queer pansexual point of view. Which suits me far better than any other label or definition I've come up with. But I won't let labels define me. Paralegal, derby skater, woman, Texan...whatever. These are part of me, but not all of me.
So it is a new year, new day and I'm moving on. I'm not anything or anyone but myself.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
MIA
So I'm working on learning some life skills that I had not previously acquired. As strange it may sound I am terrible at relaxing and not worrying, asking for things that I want, and saying yes when someone asks me if I want something, no matter how badly I DO actually want it.
In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.
I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.
I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.
R
In the last four days I have managed all three of them...at least once. There have been some parts of this that were very hard, but in a way it was three days worth of intense therapy...in a REALLY weird format compared to "traditional" forms of therapy.
I am exhausted and probably shouldn't be trying to form concrete (I almost typed covet) sentences, but if I don't get some of this down and out of my head I'm scared I might forget it and the things I've learned. And there are parts that I do NOT want to forget. These are good lessons, learned the hard way.
I expect I may be going through more of these crazy kinds of therapy sessions (yes, that's what they are and fuck you if you don't think so) and I will drop off for a few days if these happen. I might even share more about them, but for now it's good to know that there are tiny, slow bits of progress.
R
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Acceptance
It's coming on midnight and I've worked all day. I was standing in the kitchen with my dragonfly bandaged and frying up some paneer for a snack (I didn't know how delicious this stuff was and I want to just make my own so I don't have to buy it anymore!!) when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that I can wander about in nothing or next to nothing for clothing and I indulge myself frequently...why not?
I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)
At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.
R
I stood there staring at myself for a long moment and for once I did not see the endless list of imperfections that I normally have. Certainly I saw that I am a bit overweight and not a size 6, but are these things imperfections? I am tall with blue eyes that frequently garner appreciation, fair skin, and short reddish dark hair...my hair color changes often. Broad shoulders, large breasts, and curvy hips. My legs are not as long as I might like, but long enough and muscular. My belly is not perfectly flat, but gently rounded and strong even if the muscles aren't visible. I am simply who I am. If the term Rubenesque is a bit generous it is certainly better than despair and comparisons to a linebacker (unless you like that sort of thing..I don't care for it really.)
At any rate, for once I have seen myself as someone else might see me perhaps and while I don't know how it might impact me long term, or even if it will since I may not remember this moment a month from now, it might also mark the beginnings of acceptance and the knowledge that comes with it.
R
scars and life
Life has been up and down and backwards and sleepless and just generally all over it seems lately. But really it has simply been one crazy stunt that was actually planned that seems to have taken up so much. I worked Monday, got out of work, and prepared to enjoy some time off. The plan for Tuesday night was for me to undergo a procedure called scarification and a good friend stopped by to see how a job interview had gone and how I was holding up waiting for my appointment.. All was going pretty well until my ex unexpectedly showed up. We hung out and chatted and things were fine until he asked me to walk him out to his car. I did and that's where things got crazy. We got into this discussion about us and how he felt like I was avoiding him and how I've struggled to be friends with him and a lot of stuff. It wasn't pretty and out of respect for him I won't be including a ton of details, but it shook me a bit. And given that I was going to be doing some SERIOUS body modding later that night I needed to be much calmer. That's where my friend comes in (said friend will probably need a good name, but I haven't come up with one just yet...) and did what was needed for me to calm down, which included feeding me DELICIOUS pizza and being patient enough to wait while my dragonfly was done and then make sure I got home safely.
The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!
OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.
And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.
R
The next night I was stupid enough to go play roller derby for a couple hours...but I survived. With a bad ass dragonfly on my chest that was put there during a several hour time period. All done with scalpels and dermal punches and for a while, absolutely nothing to numb the pain. I was floating...slightly euphoric and when it was all done, exhausted. I fell into bed when I got home and slept until almost 2pm the next day. Once it heals a bit better I may put pictures up, but if anyone is interested in hearing more about it don't hesitate to contact me!!
OK...this post is super disjointed and I'm probably about to make it worse..that's OK..just bear with me. It dawned on me just now that the date of a giant piece of body mod that means a lot to me and the date that I came out to my ex are very close to being exactly three months apart. That is random and unplanned, but given that dragonflies are a symbol of new beginnings perhaps it is appropriate.
And a random factoid about me...I like pain. A lot. A lot a lot. Like whimper and moan and orgasm a lot. That makes me grateful that I trust my artist and that the other friend who was watching my work get done that night is able to love me for me and not judge me for that.
R
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